Trepidation | H.S.

73 | Indiana - Danger

The mental torture I felt while sitting at that dinner and hearing his comments made me feel so sick. I didn't want to make a big deal, but I should've known that wasn't possible with me.

I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped. The person I had become the past couple months went completely out the window and I was back to my old self. My old self is still here to play, and it doesn't seem like it's going anywhere.

I've done this drive one too many times to River's apartment, but this time feels different. Part of me knows it's because a different outcome could come out of this then the real me would hope.

The itching thought in my brain to hurt her just because she is involved with this is overwhelming. She hurt me. I'll admit it.

She was someone I thought I could trust. Someone I let grow close to me, but she's hiding something. Whatever she's hiding is about to get discovered because I've been set off tonight.

My nerves start to grow as I approach River's apartment. The sad thing is my nerves are more thrilling than I actually am worried. All I can think about is the pleasure I'd get out of finding answers.

I know that in a matter of ten minutes or less my life could be going in a very different direction, but all I can focus on as I pull into the parking lot of her apartment building is what I'm going to do.

The honest answer to that is that I have no idea. My mind is blurry, the memories fading in and out but the important ones stay clear. The ones of my past and the ones of every time I've been heart replay on a loop. I can't control them anymore, they've taken over me.

Just like my actions.

"Here goes nothing..." I mumbled to myself as I flipped the visor down to look at myself in the mirror.

Blood is splattered all over me, the dark red color like wine stains as it tinted my skin. The crimson color across my face, but that wasn't what stood out. It was the sick smirk on my face.

I whipped some of the blood up from my cheek, some of it smearing in the process but completely whipping it away for the most part. Even in this mindset I'm not that stupid, I know I can't just walk about like this and think people with assume it's normal.

The music that was playing in the background turned off when I stopped the car, a thrill coming over my body as I heard the last lines before it stopped.

Why did you have to act so mean?

Don't you know you're a human being?

It made me stop for a second, and I felt like a part of me came back to reality. I realized where I was and what I was about to do, but for only that split second did it happen.

The second the music stopped, it all disappeared once again. My thoughts went back to exactly where they were. The little flicker that went through my heart got taken back over by the coldness.

Numb. The same way I felt for years upon years of my life. What I had felt just only months ago came back to me, and it felt worse than it ever had. It felt worse because now I know what the good stuff is worth.

There's a mountain that I worked to climb to the top, and I only got a moment to peek over the edge. I got to see the shining light, the bright stars on the other side that Harry showed me. He healed the ice that pierced my heart.

But just in a flick of a switch it all came back to me again. The water froze.

I open the car door, and quickly make sure I have everything I need. The gun I may or may not have stolen from Harry when he wasn't paying attention was the main item I double checked to see if I had.