[COMPLETED]
trep·i·da·tion
a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen.
***
"You'll see the truth one day." I whispered against his harsh lips knowing this was wrong. The sensation was driving me insane, his warm breath panning...
You were alone, left out in the cold Clinging to the ruin of your broken home Too lost and hurting to carry your load We all need someone to hold
Warning: This chapter will mention relapse and suicidal thoughts
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"We need to talk." I said anxiously as she stared at me in disbelief.
The one person that I feel the most comfort with looks the most confused and worried to talk to me. I'm lost and confused too, that's why we need to talk.
It's been eight days. Eight long days of hell that I've put myself through. I thought I would be able to just give myself time to think about it, but nothing can ever be simple with me.
I subjected myself to the wrath I caused. I chose to give up on the fight I was battling. I know Indiana knows, I know she's disappointed but she was at the point where she felt like she couldn't talk to me.
I didn't want to wait this long, or let things get this bad, I just had so much to think about. So many different things going on in my brain that I just wanted to work out. But instead of taking a day or two to keep to myself and calm down, I got high as a kite to the point I couldn't remember my own name.
I thought it would shut out the pain, but it just made me hurt more. I just want to understand why everything is like this, and I think I get it. I just made things worse for me.
When I realized I couldn't take it anymore I fell back and relapsed. I told myself just one time to distract myself, but it never is just one time is it?
It isn't, it really isn't. I tried, I really did but I should have known better than that. It's never enough. You just want to feel one more moment of peace without that feeling gnawing at you.
But it never goes away. No matter how high you get, it won't take away the pain or the memories. It's always underlying at the bottom of the dark hole, and one day you just have to take the fall and meet the bottom.
I am meeting the bottom today.
I am sober today. I decided that enough was enough, and that I wanted to actually talk about it. I don't want to be like this anymore.
I didn't want to be like this to begin with. I tried to stay calm and think about it the night she told me, but the pure panic I felt when I thought about how I was going to handle this with my father took over me. I wasn't mad at her for who she was, she is exactly who I thought she was but with a major detail hiding out.
I was upset, I'm not going to lie, and I still am but it isn't worth it. I thought I was scared that I had been used again, but I hadn't, she truly wanted me for me. It wasn't the fact she lied to me, it was the pure trepidation that something would happen to her.
