Trepidation | H.S.

67 | Indiana - Give

Oh, I hope some day I'll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Happy Tuesday... or the opposite of that. Would that make it sad Tuesday? Either way it's not going to be a good day.

The past two have been total shit. They've consisted of me moping around and doing absolutely nothing. Well, I've cried but other than that there's nothing else I've done.

Unless eating and laying on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy counts. I in fact have done a lot of that. The sad thing was that I couldn't even bring myself to pay attention to it.

Not even my favorite lines or episodes brought a smile to my face like they always did. I felt so numb to everything around me but it was like my own heart was breaking over and over again.

Harry said he loved me. He loved me. A word I never thought I would hear being used about me. Someone loves me, but I've lost it.

What he said hurt me, but did I act wrong? Was walking away too much? I just needed space to breathe and take in what had happened but it was just so overwhelming that I shut down.

I shut down and haven't been able to process it since then. I'm like a robot who's battery died and hasn't been able to recharge, but honestly I don't think I want it to recharge. I'd rather just stay like this forever.

Away from everyone and anything. Some people may think I'm dead because halfway through yesterday I shut my phone off. My brain was hurting too much from the overwhelming messages so I haven't bothered to turn it back on since then either.

I was getting texts from every imaginable person, and I just wanted to be alone. I know I left pretty abruptly the other day, but I would have expected the news to spread a little bit faster than it did. I thought that by how loudly Harry and I were screaming they would have known what happened.

Hugo wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. He kept asking to meet up and said he was going to plan lunch or some shit so we could catch up. I warned him multiple times, but it wasn't enough for him. He kept asking so I threatened to shoot him in the foot if he didn't leave me alone, and he knew I was serious.

I knew I had to meet with him but I really wanted to think. Everything that happened the past three days has been too much for my liking. I don't want to think about a single thing connected to my work, but it's kind of hard not to.

My whole world is connected to it. Even River. I thought I at least had her out of this, but as of now it isn't looking too great on my behalf.

She's tried to talk to me too, but I couldn't bring myself to answer. The phone rang, the texts buzzed, but I didn't do anything. Maybe it's because I don't want to know if this is her doing it?

I hate to think that Harry could be right. I hate that he let this go this far. I hate that he had to scream the words at me while I was so mad. I think I just hate Harry right now.