[COMPLETED]
trep·i·da·tion
a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen.
***
"You'll see the truth one day." I whispered against his harsh lips knowing this was wrong. The sensation was driving me insane, his warm breath panning...
Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before Hurt myself again today And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
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Disappointed and embarrassed.
Those are the two words to describe how I feel right now. How I feel as I puke my insides out into a toilet as the one person that brings me comfort holds my hair back.
Those two words are the only ones that come anywhere near close to the sheer amount of shame I feel. Here I am once again, at the bottom of the long hole, I tried my best to fight my way up but as usual I couldn't do it.
I always ruin everything, I always have and always will. I can't even be mad anymore because I know this will happen. No matter how hard I try to stay strong I will always collapse and give in to the urge.
That is what I did last night. The trauma came back to haunt me like it always did, but it was worse than ever. I couldn't stay strong anymore, it was too much for me.
I didn't just disappoint myself, I disappointed my dad, and I disappointed Harry. I'm upset with myself for failing everyone again, I try so hard.
I tried to be a role model for Harry, and show him he can get through this, but the thing is I can't even do it myself. He says that I can't think about him during this situation and how it affects him, but I can see he's upset. I'm very good at reading people.
As upset he is with me or whatever happened, I'm so thankful for him. Even though I am beyond embarrassed, god knows what would have happened if I didn't come to him and he didn't help me.
I wasn't thinking straight last, for multiple reasons, but I still found my way to him. I couldn't even remember where I was, but I still found him.
He wanted to help me as much as I needed him to help me.
I needed him, and he was there for me. I wasn't even in the right mind and couldn't recognize myself but I made it to him.
He saved me from the wrath of myself.
I can't blame anyone else for this than me. I am the reason I am in this position again. I am the reason that I chose to take drugs again.
As down as I feel now, I am going to keep fighting. Harry and I are going to fight through addiction together. Harry and I, that's what everything seems to be about lately.
My night was fucking horrible, but I was going to try and do better today. It is a show day after all, so hopefully that can distract me from everything that went on. I know distractions aren't good, but that's what I need after last night.
I relapsed, it's as simple as that. I want to do it again, but I am not going to allow myself to do it again.. I didn't want to do it originally. No one ever wants to do that to themself, it's just a fucking curse I have seem to been blessed with. I will navigate my way through this.
