Trepidation | H.S.

44 | Indiana - Time

Is anybody listening?
Does anybody really know?
If it's the end of our beginning

Eight days.

Eight days and counting. That's how long it's been since I fucked up my life for good. Since I ruined the last good thing in my life.

Even though I'm still here, it isn't the same. I don't know why I'm still here at this point anymore. Zayn made me promise to him that I'd wait it out, and that I need to do it for all of us but I just feel too weak. I feel like giving up on everything.

I have no reason to stay anymore, it's been torturous. I haven't even spoken to him directly, but it's been fucking hell. I just look at him and my heart wants to break. I want to shrivel up in a ball and cry.

I've never been like this before. I feel like a teenager you'd see in movies who just broke up with their high school sweetheart.

Every time I see him, it feels worse. Zayn told me each day would get better, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like he was the piece of my broken soul that met me, and now he is gone. Each day is horrible, and they feel never ending but I promised I would stay.

I'm not going to break a promise.

They said we needed to talk things out eventually because there was missing information. The only thing keeping me here is the hope that he will come back one day. I just don't know how much longer I am going to be able to stay though, it's so hard on me.

I'm so happy I have Zayn, he says he's fine but deep down I can see he's hurt. He's here for me more than anyone, because he's the person that knows about it. I was surprised when he didn't freak out and tell everyone, he was really respectful and said he'd keep it to himself until Harry or I felt ready and had made a decision on things.

I have a feeling he's been through this before. Obviously not this exact situation, but he's handling it better than I ever could if I was in his shoes. He's the one that's holding me together right now. He's been able to recognize multiple times when I was ready to give up and he's pulled me out of the hole.

Every day is different. Each day is equally as painful as the ones before, and I don't know what to do. They said we need to discuss important things as a group when things calm down, but I don't know how to explain to all of the boys.

Trying to navigate through each day was more confusing than anything in my life. I had to act fine when I was at one of the lowest points of my life. They could tell I was distraught, and day one showed it the most.

Day One:

"I'm not leaving you alone today." Zayn shrugged, stuffing some pieces of loose clothing into a suitcase.

He had so kindly offered to go with me to get my suitcases about twenty minutes ago, and somehow convinced me to come back to his room. Now I'm sitting on his bed, and missed my bus by ten minutes. The things Zayn can get me to do.