Trepidation | H.S.

67 | Indiana - Give

Not hate. That's too strong of a word. I'm just so confused and tired of it. He gets mad but then he says he loves me. What even is love?

Do I love Harry? Fuck, I can't think about this when I won't even answer his phone calls.

I feel like such a bitch but I think it would be worse if I answered in this state. That's why I'm ignoring everyone. I don't want to do or say anything that would make it worse than it is now, so I'm staying silent.

I know it isn't the greatest way to react, but I'm well known for my reactions. I'm just trying to do what's best for everyone, and maybe I'm even trying to better myself through this.

Everything is a mess. From Harry to River, to even Zayn. I feel like everything fell apart and I can't stop myself from thinking it's my fault.

Zayn's mad at me I'm pretty sure and it makes me feel like shit. I wouldn't really know what he feels right now, because I can't see what he's saying.

He texted. They all texted me. Asking what happened, where did I go, and if everything was alright. No, nothing is alright, but I have to pretend that it is.

So I said I was fine and was going home for a few days. Home, whatever the fuck that means. Nothing ever feels like home, it always feels like a cold place in a lost cause.

I don't know what Harry said to them, but I frankly don't really care. What I care about is what he has said to me.

He said a lot of things, that's for sure. I don't know how we went from tending to each other, to screaming at one another, to end with him saying he loves me. If there was one glitch in the system, it was that.

I can't let myself accept that, at least not yet. Who knows if I ever will to be honest? Was he even being honest when he said it?

His texts the following days seemed like it, but then it went radio silent on both of our ends. Once I left he didn't bother me till later that night.

I was honestly starting to get a bit worried by how quiet he was, but then Louis had texted me freaking out saying Harry had destroyed Niall's entire apartment before storming out.

That made me feel bad, I blamed it on myself for a little bit before I realized I couldn't take the blame for everything. He chose to do that, so it was on him. He also chose to text me over and over, and then call me.

My phone was buzzing nonstop that night as I cried in my bed. I ended up texting him back, caving in and just saying I was fine and to stop calling and texting. I felt bad about it and like I was being harsh, but if I wanted to make this better I would need some space for myself.

He hasn't texted since then. So all of yesterday I just sat there waiting for some word from him but there was nothing there. I didn't expect anything, I knew I had told him to leave me alone, it was like some part of me wished that he would text.

I just wanted to know he still cared about me.

My phone did go off... just not from him. Full of messages from other people. River, Hugo, Niall, and all the other boys trying to figure out what the fuck happened. All I wanted was peace and quiet.

"Indiana," I heard the distant voice and banging on the door startling me suddenly. "Open the fucking door. I know you're in there."

Fuck. River.

I can tell just from the high pitched whiny voice coming from the other side of my apartment door. This is not the fucking time, and apparently she can't take a goddamn hint.

She's not my mortal enemy or some shit now, I just really didn't want to see her until I worked this out. One, I didn't need her pestering me about Harry and everything that happened the other night. And two, if she is involved in this somehow, I need to have my cards together before I deal with them.