Kaneki x Touka [Touken] One Shots

Pistanthrophobia II

Kaneki always wore long sleeves. At the hospital, he had to, as his doctor coat will cover from his arms to his wrists. But even at home, in his private and casual time, he's wearing long sleeved shirts. It was something Touka noticed after going over to his apartment for dinner sometimes. She casually asked him one day but he touched his chin, again.

It was only when he fell asleep on his desk doing his reports, that she decided to creep up on him and gently pull his sleeves up. Her eyes widened at the cut scar marks on both of his wrists and she couldn't help but let out a gasp when she saw that one of it seemed quite recent, the scar still red. Was he cutting himself?!

To her dismay, he grumbled in his sleep and slowly opened his eyes. He saw that his wrists were exposed and quickly pulled his sleeves down. Sighing in relief, he stood up and turned, only to be shocked that Touka was there. His voice came out more panicky than he wanted it to. "D-did you see anything?"

"I'm sorry. I saw the cut marks on your wrists... Would you tell me about them?"

He bit his lower lip and offered for her to have a seat on his bed. "It was a long time ago. My father died before I could remember and it was only my mother and I. When I was a child, my aunt often came to my mother asking for money even when she was much better off than us. My mother had to work few part-time jobs at the same time and she often—" he hesitated as he tried to find a nicer word to phrase it, but there wasn't one. "Abused me. Out of stress and anger."

Touka remained quiet and allowed him to continue.

"I loved her. I really did. I thought that she was so hardworking and caring to be able to support me and her sister at the same thing. But as she abused me, I started to develop depression symptoms. Whenever she was out, I'd find ways to end my life so I wouldn't suffer any of her beatings anymore. But when my plan of hanging myself failed, I resorted to cutting myself. It started with small scissors. After my mother passed away and my aunt mistreated me at their house, my depression worsened and it turned into using knives. She kicked me out when she saw me trying to cut myself and I went to stay with Hide."

Kaneki took in a huge breath and exhaled. A smile then graced his lips. "Hide helped me in keeping the demons from haunting my mind and he was the one who convinced me to become a doctor to help other people. He said that I might find solace in being able to make a difference in people's lives and he was right. I really did and I still feel that way."

Touka smiled. "He must be a great friend."

"Mm." He then frowned. "But once in a while, the fact I was the one who drove my mother to her death would come back to haunt me and I..would cut myself whenever that happened. This red marking you see here, it happened a few weeks ago."

A few weeks ago... They were still dating. She cursed, she should have pressed on the issue even when he didn't want to talk about it. Maybe then she could have lightened his burden, even if it was a little. It was so upsetting to see him, who is able to help others but is unable to help himself. Looking at him reminded her a lot about herself. She wanted to love, but she couldn't because of her bad past experience with men. They were so, so similar.

The poor guy looked like he was about to cry but she knew he wouldn't do that, because he was in front of her, a woman. Guys rarely ever cry in a woman's presence because they didn't want to show their vulnerable side, their weaknesses.

Kaneki turned in his seat and had his back to her. She could hear his sniffles and his attempts in hiding the break in his voice. "I'm sorry, could I be left alone?"

She wouldn't. Grabbing the top of his chair, she made use of the fact that it was the roller kind and turned him around to face her. Her arms wrapped around his neck, one hand on the back of his head, pushing his face to her chest. "I won't."