𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕚𝕣𝕝𝕤 ℂ𝕝𝕦𝕓 ☁︎☀

Put yourself first <3 - Annie

What does it mean to put yourself first? How do you even do it?

I've asked myself that question so many times over the past year, and I'm sure you might have as well.

It's hard to do what's best for you sometimes. But you deserve to feel amazing.

Over the past few months, I've been struggling. Being in quarantine made me feel worthless, like nothing had a point. I had been stuck in an identity crisis for almost a year, but being stuck at home made everything more real for me. I was lost.

My depression made me fall into a deep pit of sadness, while my anxiety slowly faded away. I felt more down than usual, and showed. I stopped talking to my family, and sought solitude in my room. Then I got some sad news, and that made everything so much worse. I began to care more about other people, and making sure they were okay, when I myself wasn't okay at all. I was drowning. I listened to sad music all day, writing down the depressing thoughts in my head.

Therapy was useless for me. Since everything was moved online, my therapist and I met through facetime. It was hard for me to talk. She would ask me these pointless questions, and I didn't know what to say. The way she looked at me felt like there was something she wanted me to say. I didn't know what that was. I would think for minutes on end, and eventually forgot the question she initially asked me. I would tell her I got distracted, and she believed it.

There was more going on inside that ever before. I dropped to my lowest point, hadn't talked for days, and made the mistake I never thought I would. I never thought I would ever get that low. I felt like I was on the verge of dying. I wanted to give up. I wanted to die, instead of live. Nothing mattered to me. I couldn't write, I couldn't draw, I couldn't talk. I could only barely survive and hold on.

I held on to the sad music I listened to, that made me feel worse. I held onto the tears that escaped my eyes every night, as I saw my life fall apart before my eyes. I held onto the pain I felt inside, bottling it up, instead of letting it out.

And finally, I decided I was going to end it. It seems so stupid now that I wanted to kill myself, and I'm not proud of it at all. In fact, nobody knows that I was going to go that far to make the pain end. It wouldn't have been worth it at all. Nothing is worth that.

The day after I was going to die, I woke up. And I said, "I'm not gonna die. I won't give up that easily. People want me to be alive."

And for the next month, I held on. I still sat around all day, but I wasn't as sad. I was more numb, unsure of how I should have been feeling. I was trying a little, but nothing was changing. I started talking a little, and that felt good. But it still wasn't enough.

So, in April, I decided I needed a break. During April, I was on and off Wattpad constantly. I would be offline for a week, catch up on everything in a day, and go offline again. Because it wasn't healthy for me to try to help everyone. You shouldn't help someone who's going through something if it affects you negatively mentally. And it took me so long for me to realize that, to realize that it's okay to do what's best for yourself.

Now, after a month, I'm better. I'm so much better. I can genuinely say that I'm doing good, instead of lying and saying I'm fine. I've changed. I found myself. And I did it. Because there's no one who can save you but yourself. It's up to you to do what's best for yourself.

So, how did I do it?

I journaled a lot. I came up with a vision for who I was going to be. I set goals for myself, to get rid of my bad habits, like always apologizing for no reason and saying I'm an idiot when I make a mistake. Those things aren't true at all. Don't give into those negative thoughts in your head. They want you to feel bad, but I want you to feel amazing.

After I made my goals, I made a vision board, using inspirational quotes, like "with brave wings she flies", and adding photos of things I love, like flowers and butterflies. My vision board helped me say to myself, "You can do this. You are strong and beautiful."

So, I tried my best to get better. I started listening to happy music, which is technically pop music, but that doesn't matter. The music I listen to makes me smile and feel happy, so it doesn't matter what anybody thinks. As long as the music you listen to makes you feel good, what anybody says isn't important. It's important for you to be true to yourself and love what you love, even if people don't approve.

Some things that really helped me were writing myself positive notes, like "You look beautiful today", and I stuck those notes on the inside of my closet. It helped me feel good and confident about myself. It isn't your appearance that matters, but your personality in heart. And I know you have an amazing personality, so you are truly beautiful.

I also wrote down little things that I did every day, and it made me feel like I did something. Because I did do something. I was happy.

Another thing that helped me relax was putting on my favorite songs and coloring in a coloring book. It helped me clear my mind and think about my day, and other things I wanted to accomplish.

So, I did it. I was brave and took a chance on myself. And now, I'm better than ever. I even started going on runs! Exercise really can help your mind while making your body feel amazing! Sure, it hurts at the beginning, but it gets better.

It's okay to let go of the past and focus on your future. I finally forgave someone, and I'm working on myself so that maybe we can be friends. While it's good to look ahead at your future, enjoying every moment is important to your happiness. I know I feel better looking on the positive side of every situation, instead of being negative.

It's really important to block out the negative thoughts in your head. If you ignore them, eventually they'll go away and they won't bother you anymore. That happened to me, and I honestly feel like a weight has been lifted off my heart.

I used to cry every day, wondering why my life was so horrible. I did this for months on end, wallowing in self pity. That's not healthy. If anything, it's toxic because you're holding on to all the negatives instead of just letting go.

So, I found myself again. I have more personality than ever, and I'm happy. I can't wait for quarantine to be over so that I can interact with my friends again!

Oh, and after everything I've been through I realized that talking about my problems makes me feel worse because I think about them more. Last week, I finally told my therapist this. And after a call with my doctor, we all agreed that it's best for me to stop. Therapy isn't for everyone. It's not for me, when I only ever received pity.

I'm putting myself first now, and getting rid of everything that makes me feel bad. This is a new chapter of my life, one I look forward to!

I promise that everything will work out the way it's meant too. You are an amazing, fierce, incredible, beautiful, intelligent, sweet, kind, strong warrior who deserves to put herself first, so that she feels the love she gives others.

I hope that this helped you as much as it helped me realize how important it is to do what's best for you! I hope you have an amazing day! I love you and stay strong ❤️❤️❤️

❤️ Annie