𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕊𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕘 𝔾𝕚𝕣𝕝𝕤 ℂ𝕝𝕦𝕓 ☁︎☀

Why I Love my Body ~Athena

Trigger warning: mentions disordered eating- starving, weight loss, counting calories

It was always there, for years; furtively stepping into scales, studying my body through the mirror, comparing it to bodies in magazines.

To me, it seemed as if there were two options for beauty; curvy or skinny. I was neither, and I hated myself for it. Well, really, I just thought I was ugly.

Just GROWING curves is impossible- my body isn't like that. I would have had to surgically alter it, which was so far out of question that I never even considered that option. But starving myself until I was skinny? That was much more plausible.

However, I never took action until late April 2019, when all of my body-image issues sort of collided. Like most to all eating disorders, it started small; I narrowed my lunch to just one apple. I cut down on my after-school snacking. I began weighing myself more often.

It was never more than that, though; I was suspended in that slightly unhealthy phase for a few weeks, occasionally taking a day to binge out and forgiving myself by skipping breakfast the next day.

However, the situation suddenly escalated in late May. I wasn't happy with my body; all of this borderline disordered eating had made me feel even worse about myself than before. I spent one night lying awake, hating myself, wishing for the strength to go further and lose more weight.

A few workout and calorie-tracking apps later, I had begun exercising daily and keeping track of every single food I consumed. This phase didn't last long; working out was time-wasting and tiring, and the calorie-trackers stressed me out as much as they assured me. The apps soon fell into disuse.

June rolled around. I kept cutting down on my eating habits, slowly and meticulously, until all I ate each day was a family dinner (and occasionally an apple as well).

Around this time I also started looking up pro-anorexia websites to fuel my eating disorder; I wasn't going to mention this, but I think someone needs to put a stop to it. I found several Twitter accounts that posted thinspiration and eating disorder tips, which I kept track of for a while. I checked these accounts a few days ago, and sadly they are still running. Twitter needs to delete these people's accounts right away- me and many other young girls have been pushed further down the hole of disordered eating because of these accounts.

My school year ended, and suddenly my eating habits shifted dramatically. Now I was completely starving myself every other day, and eating as little as I could get away with on the next. My weight dropped tremendously, and I believe my lowest was 94 pounds. I was getting thinner than ever before- you could see my ribs, my collarbone, my spine. My legs were like twigs. My stomach was practically nonexistent. Somehow, I thought this was good. I was PROUD of myself. Proud of myself for cutting away each ounce of fat that dared grow.

Then everything changed.

My older sister came to visit. She knew right away, just by looking at me- I was so much skinnier, so much quieter than before. I ate very little and refused food constantly, claiming I didn't need it.

Everything began to collapse from there. She talked to me about it, and I pretended as if I had already started recovering- in truth, I had considered recovery, but had never had the courage to begin. My parents found out, and they were shocked and horrified. I talked about it with my twin sister, who gave all of the details to my father. My mother had an awfully awkward conversation with me about my eating habits.

They abruptly forced me onto a regular diet and got me a therapist. I was shifted back onto three meals a day, plus whatever snacks they could force down my throat. Around that time, I also started going to an academic summer program, which helped because it had rigid mealtimes with many options of food. My twin sister made sure I was eating at that program (she went with me), and I began to gain weight again.

I think it was my therapist who really pulled me out of that rut, though. I was slowly working through my mental issues, with the help of Internet friends and my older sister- the first big step for me was accepting that food was a good thing- but when I opened up to her about it in early July, my mental recovery took a whole new turn.

She told me to imagine my body as a fluid, label-defying concept that did not fit into the norms that society presents it. My body is what it is- I feed it food, and this is the result. It is not what society's beauty standards expect of women- thin and perfect, or luscious and curvy. It is just another incredible body.

I have thick legs, a skinny waist, and a small chest. I look in the mirror and I feel very disproportionate. Why are my shoulders so wide? Why is my chest so square? It's not the ideal body that's been shaped in my mind over years of being exposed to..well, to the world.

But it's MY body, and it's beautiful.

Society has definitely, and rather strangely (what even is beauty? how does this stuff become attractive?) painted images and set expectations for our bodies; you are either thin or curvy. What about those of us in-between? We don't all have these specific body shapes. Represent ALL bodies, not just the most 'attractive' ones!

You do not have to have large breasts to balance out your large legs. You do not need slim hips to match your slim abdomen. You are beautiful.

Your body is amazing- it carries out so many different functions, pumping your blood and digesting your food and healing your wounds and a million other jobs. And yes, it takes on a specific shape that may not be what you see in the media, but it's still beautiful. You do not need to alter it- it's as close to perfect as you could get.

Respect your body. Be kind to your body. Love your body.

Just like I now love mine.

Love, Athena ❤️

@athena363636