Blood Moon [a Twilight Saga FanFiction]

Remembering a Dark History

I GUIDED IGOR TO AN OLD FAVOURITE GROUND OF MINE IN EXCITEMENT, he wanted to try my diet.
I took a sniff when we got there, to try and smell if any animals had been around. I couldn't smell any, but I did get Igor's past...
I tore my hand out of his, trying probably horribly to be subtle about it. His mental images of holding me against the walls of his asylum played in my head... dancing with me... him, imagining what my body would feel like...
I made my body move to a different hunting spot. At the same time, my mind forced itself to playback a conversation he'd had with his old Cavian friend, Marius, since my last visit...
'Well, how does this woman make you feel, Igor? Easy question, it usually gives your answer,' He had said.
'Every touch sends static... every time she speaks, it's like natures song. She walks, with the most beautiful confidence, and her hair shines like the sun on a winters day! She has a kind, compassionate heart that I have never seen in another, with a smile that could brighten any storm. She's understanding, she... Marius, she makes me feel like my heart could beat again!' Igor had responded with the biggest grin on his bearded face in honesty. Even speaking about me had his chest and stomach squeezing with anticipation and hope, to see me again.
He... Igor...
He loved me... but because of my gift, he thought I couldn't... did I?
Could I?
Thankfully there was enough space in my head to be able to think it through while I found us some food. Compare these mental scenes to the ones he had when we first met... these were a lot more... Passionate.
'Miss Elizabeth?' he said from behind me. Had his voice ever made my stomach flutter like that before? 'Is everything alright?'
'Fine,' I answered, probably too quickly. I turned back to him and finally noticed the sounds of the pack nearby. 'This is perfect, can you hear them?'
Their thick padded paws as they found suitable places to rest for the coming night, the alpha circling in his spot, ready to guard.
'Then it's just like you know it to be, sneak up, your instincts tell you where are the best places to bite and...' I shrugged, the rest would have been obvious anyway.
He raised a brow to me, I knew it was more in curiosity than interest about my diet, he had picked up that I tore my hand out of his, my subtly hadn't worked. I tried to ignore it, tried to ignore what his half-smirk was now doing to my dead heart.
What was this?!
I ran ahead of him, eager to be able to focus on something else. I made my whole mind focus on the kill, nothing more.
Even if I could feel Igor close beside me. Creeping with the hunt.
I knew that once one of us had made the first pounce, the other coyotes would react. Whether they would try to fight us off or run, I wasn't sure. Usually, I didn't care but for a strange, unknown reason, this dusk, I sincerely hoped they'd try to fight.
'Go on, beginners first,' I pushed.
Igor rolled his dark eyes before looking ahead for the kill.
He lunged. His jaw closed around the neck of the alpha. The others heard its final cry, woke, and ran. Pity. I didn't feel up for the run.
I watched for Igor's reaction. Would he hate it? He had been genuinely curious about it... but would he hate it? Could he continue to follow it?
He dropped the coyote, and a visible shiver went through him.
'You'll get used to it.' I laughed at him, and he turned to face me.
The wind was exceedingly horrible and had strengthened since our fight with James and Victoria. It swirled around us, pushing blood, dirt, and his scent towards me, regularly updating me with his most recent past.
Igor had thought that he did want to try my diet... for me... but he wasn't sure how good he'd be at it. He couldn't see himself being able to resist... he really did want to, but wasn't sure if he was strong enough.
'It's okay,' I told him, trying to smile. It was easier than being subtle about the hands. 'You don't have to stick with it. You said you'd try, and you did. Don't make yourself do something you don't want to do, because of...' I couldn't say it... because of me. 'It's not for everyone. Go hunt, Igor.'
'Miss Elizabeth-'
'There's a camping area the humans are fond of, further north. It's not necessarily the right time of year, but you could give it a try. If not there, there's a town to the west. Go hunt, Igor, it's okay. Really.'
'Miss Elizab-'
'I'll meet you back at the asylum.'
What was wrong with me? Why was my mind now visualising his visuals, but the other way around? Me holding him to a tree, tearing his shirt... getting to his body not caring what I broke in the process...
A shock sent through my spine, forcing me to turn and begin heading back, when a human memory I once thought long forgotten, pushed itself into my mind. A human memory that was rattling in its cage since meeting Igor, but I had never noticed before now.
Men... pushing themselves onto me while human. Holding themselves to me, doing things they were not allowed to do, but they did anyway. Hurting me. Using me.
The shock made my wrists burn with the memories of the roughness of the belts they'd use to tie my hands above my head, or the burning in my mouth when they used them to gag me so I couldn't scream. Or the pain in my jaw from dislocation, pushing themselves too far for my young mouth to stretch.
I could all in one moment, remember the pain, the alcohol and fear.
Why did that cage break now? How were those human memories strong enough, to survive my change, unlike the peaceful days of my human past, only to make themselves remembered now?
Because your afraid... of?... Men.
But Igor has not acted from his desires, I realised, freezing my feet in their place. I could still feel Igor watching me in his silent worry for my behaviour. No, he hadn't acted on his feelings at all, in fact, he had restrained himself sometimes even causing himself pain. The closest he had been to acting on his desire was kissing my cheek, and I hadn't minded then at all.
He was waiting for me, something no man had ever done...
But he is a man. He is Igor, and he had and was, being kind.
'Thank you,' I managed to force out, knowing I was still close enough for him to hear me.
Did it matter? My fear... why was I afraid if I wanted the same thing? Did I? Or what my mind just reacting to his past? His feelings? If these new scenes playing through my head was really me, was really from my own dead heart, couldn't I follow them?
Why couldn't I?
Because I didn't want to be a monster like them.
'For what?' Igor asked from behind me while my mind raced.
But am I a monster, if he is not being forced as I had been?
Behind my eyes flashed what my head thought it wanted—him against me, my holding him to a tree, skin against skin. Then a flash from his desires—him holding me to the asylum wall, lifting my thighs, holding me at just the right height. Then a human memory. An unfaced man holding me against my will as I screamed into an article of his soiled clothing as he forced me into something I didn't want to do.
Because I was on the streets. Because I was free food.
'For not acting off your desires,' I finally answered him.
Before he could react before we could talk about it or anything. I ran off.
I was afraid.
I heard him running after me, chasing me. He was faster.
He grabbed my hand.
A flash behind my eyes, I had tried to run once before, a new man, someone I had once trusted... He grabbed my hand to stop me.
'No!' I heard myself scream, my knees buckling under me in my new, weakening, fear.
He didn't approach me, didn't move.
What in heaven's name are you doing, Elizabeth! I yelled at myself. Igor is not that man! Whoever that was, that was not Igor! He has spent all these years restraining himself, putting himself in pain, making himself not touch you... Igor. Is. Not. That. Man!
My fingers had dug into the dirt and grass beneath me. Digging the mulch under my nails.
Fear of men hadn't made me turn to fight like the natural instincts of vampires did. This fear had made me weak. Vulnerable. If James and Victoria came back now, I would be an easy target. I had to pull myself together, to be strong.
I was a vampire now, better, stronger than a human. Human men were afraid of me now. The last vampire male I had met with similar histories to those who had wronged me, I had torn his head clear off carried it to the next state and monstrously chuckled as I left their head there. I knew it would take days, perhaps months, for their body to crawl to their head to heal.
Igor wasn't like that.
Igor took a step back as I was finally able to look up at him. His hands were in the air, palms towards me. His eyes were wide, but his face blank.
I hadn't taken a breath since my scream. Watching him now, I wasn't sure if I... no... I should... I shouldn't be afraid of Igor, there was nothing to be afraid of.
I let myself breathe again in the blowing wind, having to tuck my hair behind my ear, and failing.
The last few moments between us from Igor's perspective filled my mind like it always did as if I had just read it from a book.