Fín {Third Book to Secret}

Eighteen

May POV

Harry I sit on the familiar couch Monday morning.

Our therapist sits across from us with her leg hanging over her knee. Her brown hair is pinned up in a bun and her eyes look warm.

"How have you guys been?" She asks. Her voice sounds kind.

"Good." I answer.

"How have the communication and everything been going?"

"Uh, okay. I think." I look to Harry who's glancing about.

"What's wrong with the communication?" Dr. Faron asks.

"Sometimes he feels down and I ask why and he kind of doesn't answer. He just says he's stressed but I don't know if that's the exact reason. I hope I'm making sense." Our therapist nods.

"I do." She pauses. "Harry what's been going on with you?" Her eyes look to him.

"Nothing much. I just feel sad some days and find the next."

"The medicine you were on before, how did that make you feel?"

"Not sad." He answers honestly. "I felt fine taking them. But I didn't notice anyone else's feelings."

"I'm going to write you a prescription script for a medicine I think is going to set your hormone levels back. The medicine you were on was very, very strong and I think since you're not taking it anymore it kinda messed something's up." I'm scared to see him be put on pills again. "I'll have you start them after the wedding you're both attending to tomorrow. You can't drink with them so I figure after you can start." Dr. Faron smiles warmly.

"Now," She starts. "I can't tell you both what to do. You have to take what I say and either listen or don't. I can only give my opinion and or recommendation. Weddings make couples feel close in a way because it's a wedding and all. Also, a lot of people have sex after or during the reception. I recommend now you both refrain from intercourse."

"We weren't planning on doing that." Harry says. His voice low and soft.

"Good." She smiles. "I think now where you guys are shows a lot of improvement from a few weeks ago. Now, you guys sit close and not feet apart. Sex, now I think wouldn't be good. I feel once you guys are fully good and there isn't anymore major problems it would be more intimate." We both nod. "How long has it been since you guys have had sex?"

"Four years." I say. My answer comes off as a mumble.

Our therapists eyes widen a bit and I bite my lip.

"I did not expect that." Dr. Faron pauses. "Was it because you don't feel connected like that anymore?" Harry waits for me to answer.

"I just," I pause. I let out a deep breath. "I just feel weird having sex again."

"Was it because you lost a baby?" I nod hesitantly.

"Have you also felt this way about sex?"

"Uncomfortable?" I ask. She nods. "Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't know." Her eyes look to Harry.

"Was Harry your first?" I nod.

"Harry, from the person with May. Can you explain to me how she is when talking about sex?"

"Uh, when we first started dating she wasn't very open about that stuff meaning she hated the word sex. But as she got more comfortable with me she wasn't tense about it. After April died I think now she's uncomfortable with it again." My fingers fidget.

"How does that make you feel?"

"Me?" Harry asks. Dr. Faron nods.

"I don't know. Now, I'm kinda used to it."

"May, is sex to you a personal thing?" I nod. "Harry, is sex to you a personal thing?"

"With someone I love, yes. But for a few years I just slept around and that didn't make it personal to me. But, with May it is." She nods and jots some stuff down.

"But, I assume the both of you for the most part are comfortable with each other having sex?"

Harry says yes.

"I am. I'm just not comfortable with myself now." I reply.

"Why?"

"I feel like I'm going to become pregnant again and right now I'm not ready to be through that. And I just feel like I can't enjoy it if I'm worrying about a baby that might or might grow inside of me." Dr. Faron nods.

"So, you're ready to have sex again. You're just worried about going through that pain you went through with April when she passed?" I nod. "That's understandable, and we'll work on that when I see you guys next."

***

We sit on our couch around 2:30. We're leaving tonight at 5 so we don't have to rush in the morning. We have a hotel room and all.

"Do you hate that we're not having sex?" I ask Harry.

"No, why?" His eyes look into mine.

"Because this is the longest time we haven't done it." My fingers fidget. "I know for the past couple of years we haven't been the best but I still feel bad for making you wait."

"I love you May. I'm fine, okay? When you're ready, you're ready." Harry smiles warmly.

"Okay." I murmur. He gently kisses my cheek.

"I'm going to take a short nap. Wake me at 4?" Harry nods.

Harry POV

May fell asleep 10 minutes ago.

I just finished packing and now I'm staring at the engagement ring I bought her years ago.

I feel like the diamond is too small. I might buy a bigger one for her then give this to her as like a Christmas gift.

I know she doesn't like tacky things so I won't get those massive diamonds. Just something that sticks out more.

By now I wanted us to be married. I had everything planned out. Even the day. I was going to ask her December 15.

December because she loves winter and the snow.

The 15th because her birthday is May 15.

I know she probably wouldn't understand the date, but I do.

I just feel like now she thinks I don't want to marry her. I do. Now, the timing is all fucked up and I want us to be on good terms and not be where we are now. We're good but it's still rocky.

It doesn't help that everyone we know is getting married and that makes me feel like shit that I haven't asked her to be my wife yet.

I fall back on the mattress and close the small black box.

A://N

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~lauren