Okay y'all here we go
My friends, they wanna take me to the movies
I tell 'em to fuck off, I'm holding hands with my depression
"Y/N!" Peter shouted from outside your tent.
"What?" You groaned from your pillow.
"Come play, you haven't been out much in a couple weeks now."
"I'm fine Peter, go play without me!" You yelled, hoping it didn't sound too pushy yet gave off the "don't push me" vibe.
You could tell he didn't wanna leave you, but he knew you'd talk about it if you wanted to so he left.
Oh how you wish he had stayed.
And right when I think I've overcome it
Anxiety starts kicking in to teach that shit a lesson
It's not like you particularly enjoyed staying away, some days were better than others, sometimes, you felt like you were healed. But you knew you weren't. Mental illness doesn't go away, it drowns you. But you eventually float back up, then sink, then float again, and the cycle repeats itself.
Oh, I try my best just to be social
I make all these plans with friends and hope they call and cancel
Then I overthink about the things I'm missing
Now I'm wishing I was with 'em
Whenever you cancelled plans with the boys, you always came to regret it. You'd hear how much fun it was or how someone pissed off the mermaids or got pushed into the water in their clothes. You wanted to be apart of those memories but yet, you couldn't force yourself to get out of your shell.
Feel like I'm always apologizing for feeling
Like I'm out of my mind when I'm doing just fine
And my exes all say that I'm hard to deal with
And I admit it, yeah
Of course, with anxiety and depression and everything else in your mind, there were some occasional outbursts. You'd get so irritated you'd actually think about leaving the island. About never talking to Peter again.
In the end you apologize for days on end, because your mind won't let you rest, you'll feel as if there is someone constantly screaming at you and all you want is to shut the damn voice off.
But all my friends, they don't know what it's like, what it's like
They don't understand why I can't sleep through the night
"Night 12 of not being able to sleep the whole night in a row." You said to yourself as you walked through the forest. It was always more peaceful at night than during the day.
Everyone was quiet, you wouldn't get bugged by all the loud noises and could actually be alone. You were grateful for your patient friends and boyfriend but healing took time. And so far, there was no healing process. Maybe because you didn't talk about it.
You felt as if it was a burden, that nobody would care or people would resent you for it.
But you knew in the end, you couldn't control it.
I've been told that I could take something to fix it
Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple, ah
All my friends they don't know what it's like, what it's like
When you talked to Peter for the first time about it, he insisted on going to a mortal doctor. You were prescribed some anti-depression and anxiety meds.
They didn't take it all away, sure they dulled the intrusive words that bounced in your head. But it wasn't gone. You knew it never would leave, but you still hoped.
Always wanted to be one of those people in the room
That says something and everyone puts their hand up
Like, "If you're sad put your hand up
If you hate someone, put your hand up
If you're scared, put your hand up"
Peter could hold attention of others, he'd call a meeting and everyone would listen. You wish you had that power let alone the ability to be able to be in front of others and not completely crumble into bits.
I got all these thoughts, running through my mind
All the damn time and I can't seem to shut it off
I think I'm doing fine most of the time
I think that I'm alright, but I can't seem to shut it off
After the tenth time that week of you asking Peter if he was mad at you, instead of losing his temper, he sat you down and calmly asked, "what makes you think i'm mad at you? I just want to know so I can explain."
You sniffed, you were expecting him to break up with you when he asked you to talk. You had already started tearing up, your heart was pounding so hard that you thought it was gonna explode.
"It's not even anything I just can't help-" Your voice choked as your hands shook.
"Hey baby," He said kneeling down and grasping your hands. "I know you can't help it."
"I just wish that I could shut it all off. Every single emotion that makes me this way. All of this shit I deal with messes with all my relationships. I've ruined past relationships, friendships, everything. And I can't...." You hiccuped and he cupped your cheek. "I can't lose you too and I'm so scared of fucking it all up."
"Oh my sweetheart." He leaned up to cradled you to his chest. "I will never leave you, please believe me." He kissed your head
Damn, I wish it, I wish it was that simple, ah
Wow I actually put out a quality non-crack chapter? holy shit!
ngl this is hard for me to put out cause it's vulnerable as hell. I deal with this shit every single day as I know many of you do based on my last mental health chapter.
Just know that you're never alone and my dms are always open ❤️
love you guys! ❤️