Audrey Hepburn once said,
Happy girls are the prettiest.
That phrase has always rubbed me the wrong way for quite a few reasons.
While I understand that Audrey is trying to encourage women to be positive and happy, I think the way she phrased it can be very damaging to young women.
Because first of all inner beauty, and outer beauty have nothing to do with whether or not you are happy.
I'll give you a harsh example,
A homeless child in a third world country is not ugly, or not as pretty because they aren't happy with their situation.
A girl with depression is not less beautiful because of how she feels inside.
And even if the word happy were removed from the phrase and replaced with the word kind, strong, smart, or any "positive"word it still doesn't seem right to me.
Because phrasing anything with "This is what is prettiest" elevates some girls while putting others down.
It is putting girls in competition with one another and comparing us to each other.
Sorry, Audrey I usually love quotes by you, but this one is pretty toxic.
Albeit, she was living in the time period where women were expected to be perfect little angels, putting on a smile no matter what happened, and just letting things be regardless of how they actually felt inside, like expressed in the video above.
I absolutely adore the message of the video, and am so grateful Cimorelli uses their influence to address problems that girls battle with.
After all, back when the Strong Girls club was called the Sad Girls club, it was inspired by their album "Sad Girls Club" and the message of it.
The message telling us its okay to not be okay.
I find it upsetting that we always talk about toxic negativity in the world, and in the mental health community, but alot of people don't realize is that toxic positivity is just as bad.
Toxic positivity?
What is that?
Here is a little excerpt on toxic positivity from the Mighty.com to give you a little background on what toxic positivity is,
"There's no denying that positivity can be powerful. I know when I'm struggling with and negative thoughts, if I can hold onto an ounce of hope — that I'll make it through, that I'm not defined by my thoughts, that I'm not as bad as my brain is making me out to be — I can cope a little better. "
" The positivity we hold within ourselves, when we can manage it, makes it a little easier to get by.*
"That being said, perhaps counter intuitively, positivity isn't always the best way to help others. You can't make someone be positive. You can't sprinkle positivity dust on them and make their problems go away."
"And honestly, when people are seeking help and support, they're usually not looking for straight-up, inspirational poster positivity. More often, they're looking for validation that their negative feelings are OK."
Amen to that.
Toxic positivity or forced positivity is all over the place.
And when people say stuff like,
"Happiness is a choice." "Just think positive." NO bad vibes ." "Good thoughts only."
it is creating an atmosphere where no negativity is allowed.
Let me be the first to say, as contradictory as may it sound, negativity isn't always a bad thing.
I understand the reasoning behind encouraging people to just be positive.
Of course, we all just want everyone to be happy.
But it isn't that simple.
Life isn't that simple.
Sadness.
Hopelessness.
Numbness.
Fear.
Doubt.
Anger.
Frustration.
Confusion.
Guilt.
Jealousy.
Shame.
Hostility.
Grief.
All those negative emotions are a part of life.
You're going to have them, and many other negative emotions no matter what.
You can't just put good thoughts into your mind, listen to happy songs, chant positive affirmations and, make these feelings go away.
You're not fixing the problem.
You're shoving it down.
As you wear your fake smile, say you're fine when you really aren't, tell yourself not to cry, you're shoving the problem further and further down, until like in the video it all just spills out, and you break down from holding all that pain in for so long.
Trust me, I get it.
You don't want to bring the mood down, you don't want to burden anyone or upset them, and you don't want to be the "depressing" friend.
I relate.
Very much.
Toxic positivity can do that your mindset.
One psychologist said,
When people place a great deal on themselves, or feel pressure from others to feel happy, they are likely to see their negative emotions and experiences as signals of failure.
Yup.
I've had countless friends that overwhelmed me with toxic positivity when I was open with them; and it made me feel ungrateful, and like I'm just such a negative human being.
Most of these friends, may I add have never struggled with mental issues, which would explain why they didn't understand that telling a person with depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, or any other mental health issue to,
"Just do things that make you happy."
"Focus on the good."
"You can be positive no matter what." isn't going to make the anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts go away!
While their intentions are probably good, the forced positivity is bad.
If you have friends like that, friends you can't share your genuine negative feelings with, without them coming back at you with toxic positivity, I encourage you to try and be open honest with them about how they make you feel.
In some cases, you might just need to find new friends.
Here are some examples of validation and hope versus toxic positivity.
Note, on the sixth one where never give up is listed under toxic positivity, I agree and disagree depending on the situation.
I actually really like the phrase never give up, but in some cases giving up is best.
For example, if someone is in a friendship or relationship that is harmful to them in any way, and it isn't changing for the better at all,
they should definitely give up on it.
When it comes to situations like following your dreams, and staying alive, of course, I strongly encourage never giving up.
Do you see what I'm trying to get across?
Do you understand that positivity and negativity are both necessary in life?
Like with all things, you have to find balance.
Being open and honest with yourself and with others is key.
Let yourself cry, allow yourself to feel.
Healing is a process, recovery is a journey.
It isn't full speed ahead to happiness.
It's sunny days AND rainy days.
Its good AND bad.
Its ups AND downs.
When we run from our emotions, they still eventually catch up to us.
When we accept our emotions, they lose the power over us.
I really like this take on it,
"Swimmers who are caught in an undertow and feel themselves being dragged out to sea often panic and begin to swim against the current with all their might. Often, they fatigue, cramp and drown.
To survive, such a swimmer should do the opposite—let go. Let the current take him out to sea. Within a few hundred yards the current will weaken and the swimmer can swim around and back to shore.
The same with powerful: pushing against it is futile and possibly dangerous; but if you accept the emotion, it will run its course while allowing you to run yours."
I love it.
Let yourself flow with the currant.
Am I saying you should reside in negative emotions forever?
Absolutely not.
I'm saying that no one is happy all of the time, no one is positive all the time, and that's perfectly fine.
You shouldn't feel like you have to be.
And
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO BE POSITIVE ALL THE TIME.
YOU'RE ALLOWED to be down.
Social media can make it seem like everyone has the perfect life except for you, everyone is doing great except for you, everyone is being positive except for you.
No, not not at all.
Social media highlights the successes, and greatness going on people's lives; that's why it makes us feel so inadequate.
But behind those Instagram photos and, hilarious tweets the people you're following post; they are also facing their own battles.
No matter how happy they may seem.
And no matter how perfect their life may appear to be.
"Just recognizing that being unhappy is part of life can help us feel a little more at peace." one person tweeted.
"Chasing happiness can cause us to obsess over any not happy feelings bringing us more unhappiness overall," said another.
That couldn't be more true.
After you've come through a dark night, the morning is so much more beautiful.
Dark nights are going to happen, bad things are going to happen.
So, when you're sad remind yourself of this part of the Sad girls club song to reassure you,
But we all know it's OK to cry sometimes
Because the sad girls are the ones
Who feel alive
It's telling us that those that allow themselves to experience sadness will feel truly alive.
Its telling us that experiencing the dark nights AND, the sunrises is the key to living a truly fulfilling life.
How could we appreciate happiness, if we were never ever sad?
Last Saturday, Cimorelli posted that Sad girls club official music video, and declared April 20th Sad Girls club day.
So, happy belated Sad Girls club day everyone.
I hope this post made someone feel less alone and, realize their negative emotions are totally valid and okay.
You can smell the flowers when you reach the others side, but until you get there its okay to fall down, and its okay to cry.
Sorry Audrey, I have to disagree with you strongly.
Happy girls aren't the prettiest.
All girls are beautiful.
We all are happy and sad girls.
If you're sad, please know you're just as beautiful inside, and out as when you're happy.
And as Cimorelli always says,
"Even if you feel like you don't belong anywhere else,
Know that you belong here with us."
You belong here in the Strong Girls Club.
You don't have to wear a fake smile here, or say you're fine when you're not.
You can be open here, you can be honest here, you can be sad here at the Strong Girls Club.
You aren't worth more when you're happy.
And you don't lose any of your value, any of your beauty, or any of your validity, just because you're sad.
Please, never let anyone make you feel like your emotions are invalid, or that your emotions make you less than.
Please remember that you're beautiful, wonderful, and you have infinite value no matter what your mood, or mental state.
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