Five
Day
I heard a scream. I blood curling wail and I bolted up right in my bed. My heart was racing my body and sheets were drenched with sweat. I’ve done something horrible. Correction my night-self has done it. I could hear the footsteps of the others in the house rushing towards the sound of the cry. I got out of bed and went to the mirror looking myself over making sure that I was washed clean of all blood. Not a drop was on me but I could still take it in my mouth. I wasn’t the side that was good with that kind of stuff. My night-self liked blood not me. Not the day-self. I could only hear them muttering. I knew they were coming here. They were coming towards me. If I hide in my room they are only going to blame me. First night here. That’s what my father will say. It’s their first night what have you done. What have I done? I can’t remember. I tried my best trying to look through my night-self eyes. Trying to see in his memories. They were dark and parted. He was so selfish never showing me anything. I never remember images when I view his memories. Only the feeling. The weight of the hammer in my hand. The quickening in my heart. Raising it up. Bring it down. The spray of blood that covered my face. Licking the hammer. Taking the metal of the hammer and the sweetness of the blood. Raising it again, and again, and again. His mind was blank. I couldn’t hear his thoughts. I couldn’t feel myself in the corner that I retreat to in the night.
He was lost in the bloodlust. He had giving himself away to it. Oh god what have I done. I could feel tears in my eyes and I looked in the mirror again. Tears were freely flowing. I always knew. I always knew no matter what I knew who he hurt and how he hurt them. What if it was someone I loved? I had to see. I rushed over to the door remembering that Uncle Joe told father not to lock it. I knew for a fact that they hadn’t touched the door today. I knew for a fact that I was always the first to wake and the last to sleep. The scream was what woke us all I knew that. My father was the only one with a key. I knew that as well. But it was locked. I tried the knob and it was locked. I was locked in my room.
“What have you done?!” I yelled out loud but he knew who I was talking to. My night-self knew that he was the only person I could use that tone of voice with. I waited for him to answer. I could feel him in his corner of the mind. His back to me as he played with his toys. “Answer me Night-Ian. Answer me now.” This I hissed into my mind. “Who was it?” my voice cracked in my head as I gave way to tears again. He didn’t reply. My night-self, Night-Ian as I sometimes call him could be a real bastard, a prick, an asshole if when he wanted to be. I slammed myself against the door pulling at it and banning on it trying to get out. It shouldn’t have been locked in the first place. I know that I was out last night. I know that my night-self roamed the halls. I know that I had to come back in this room I was in here after all. And I know that you can only lock the door with a key a key that neither of my selves had. A key that my father only had. That he wouldn’t even gave a copy to my mother to. And last I know that my father didn’t lock the door not at all not last night. So why is it lock? I kicked and pulled and knocked and slammed my shoulder into it again and again. “Let me out!” I yelled as loud as I could. “Let me out! Let me OUT!”
“Ian!” I heard the angry call of my father as the others were rushing up the stairs now. Someone tried the knob so I backed away from the door.
“It’s lock dad.” Billy told him and I heard the key in the door and then it opened.
“You fucking bastard.” Seamus yelled as he rushed in my room attacking me taking me down to the floor and punching me one good time in the face before I could even get a sense of what was going on. I felt my night-self move. Night-Ian pushed against me and I kicked Seamus off of me punching him back and sitting on his chest punching him again.
“Get off of him.” Billy yelled and father and Uncle Joe was pulling me off of Seamus as I grabbed the first of his shirt about to hit him again his nose already gushing blood. My lip was bleeding as well from where he hit me and I licked at it tasting my blood in my mouth and feeling my night-self push harder he wanted the blood. Billy grabbed Seamus pushing him away as Aunt May looked at her son trying to stop the bleeding.
“Enough!” father yelled and the others came in my room. My mother, my sisters both Kennedy and Nakita and they were well. My eyes searched the room for my brother where was Angel? But then I saw him crawling on the floor. Lilly as well was there tears in her eyes as she stood there with a hiccupping cry that only little kids had. So who was it? Why did they scream? Why screamed. I licked my lips again because I knew that I had killed last night I knew that my night-self had taken a life he’s only ever this happy after a kill so who was it.
“The dog of course Day-Ian.” My night-self whispered. “I hate all animals I couldn’t allow that disgusting thing to live in this home. Besides you didn’t want it here either.”
“Shut up.” I hissed at him and he laughed.
“I’m not going to kill them yet. Before this is over I want Seamus and his dear sweet annoying little sister to know true fear. I want them all to learn true fear because well to be honest we just don’t have enough fear in this world.”
“Leave them alone.” I said and he laughed as he went back to his corner as he turned his back on me again and went back to playing with his things. “I’m sorry.” I said looking at Lilly who was rubbing at her eyes. “I’m very sorry about London.”
“I hate you Ian. I hate you!” she yelled and ran out the room.
“Joe I’m taking him to the doctor’s I’m sure it broken.” Aunt May said and looked at me but then turned and guided Seamus out of the room.
“I’m sorry.” I said looking down at my feet. I was ashamed of what I had done. I was ashamed of myself for not having control. It was always like this. He does the crime and yet the guilt is felt only by me.
“It’s okay Ian.” Nakita said about to walk closer to me but mother grabbed her arm stopping her from coming near me. I looked at my sister and she was standing there with a sober look on her face. She didn’t want mother holding on to her but she didn’t pull away from her either.
“When is it going to stop huh dad? He killed her dog. We hide the knives so he uses a hammer. Who’s safe? Who can stop him if even lock doors don’t stand in his way? This bullshit!” Billy yelled and stormed off. Mother bent down and picked up Angel and then took Nakita’s hand as they turned and left as well leaving me in the room alone with Uncle Joe and my father. I felt like I was just a child again. Small and weak as the two of them looked down on me. I was silent as I awaited my judgment.
“Did you think that we still wouldn’t think it was you?” father started and I raised my glaze so that our eyes meant. I didn’t know what he was taking about. It was me. It was always me and if it wasn’t me then who else could it have been. In this house Ian was always guilty until proven guiltier. “Give it to me now.” He said holding out his hand. I waited not moving not trusting that hand that was held out. What was I giving to him? “Give me the got damn key Ian!” he yelled and I blinked as I kept looking at him.
“I don’t have a key.” I said in a small voice.
“You don’t have the key.” Father said and looked over at Uncle Joe. “He doesn’t have a key.” He mocked me and turned around again his eyes hard and cold. As he rose his hand and back slapped me across the face. His heavy hand stung as my head went to the side my blond hair flying into my eyes as I stumbled back from the sheer force of it.
“Jim!” Uncle Joe yelled and grabbed his arm when he went to hit me again. “It’s just a key Jim.”
“It isn’t just a key. It’s his way out of this room. Into the house with the rest of us. You’ve only been here for one night and he killed your daughter’s dog. I’ve lived with him with it for ten nearly eleven years now.” Father said and I could feel my night-self listening with my ears and looking with my eyes. “You’re showing yourself.” Father said. “You fucking monster get out of him! Get out of my son. Give him back to me. Give me back my Ian.”
“I am Ian.” I said but it was my night-self words. I felt sick. I felt crowded. He was with me, beside me. I could feel him in the body with me. I could feel him using the body with me. The weight of him was crushing me. It felt as if something the same height as me the same weight as me had just laid on top of me. Covering every inch of me. Hiding me from in this case me. He was so heavy. He was so strong. He was suffocating me.
“You…” father started but stopped and grabbed my arm pulling me out of my room and dragging me downstairs. I was so heavy. With both of us in control of the body my limps felt as if I just put on another hundred eighty pounds. My breathing was labored but my father didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“You have to leave.” I said speaking to my night-self. “I can’t breathe.”
“Then release control to me.” He answered.
“It’s day. This is my time leave.” I demanded and father pushed me down to the floor at the entrance way. I saw London there. Lilly’s dog was lying in a pool of its own blood. It’s white fur matted and stained with dried blood. It’s head so badly beaten in that it looked as if it was just a dog’s torso with no head at all. I smiled no he smiled Night-Ian looked at his handy work and he enjoyed it. Of course he enjoyed it. My stomach gave a turn though. Gore was my night-self thing it wasn’t mines.
“So pathetic.” Night-Ian told me and then I couldn’t feel him. It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest. As if the pillow had been removed from my face and I could breathe again. I tasted the salty drool in my mouth and then my stomach gave a heave and my mouth filled with bile. I vomited it all up and my uncle rubbed my back as if I was a sick person who just threw up the soup he tried to keep down.
“Clean it up.” My father told me the softness slowly returning to his voice because he knew that my night-self was gone. He knew that only Day-Ian would vomit at the sight of this bloody mess. “All of it.” He said and I nodded because I didn’t want to fight with my father.
It was late noon when all of the cleaning was done and the body of London had been buried in the backyard with all the other pets that Night-Ian had killed over the years. I sat on the back steps looking out at the fresh plot when Nakita came and sat beside me giving me a bottle of water.
“It’s starting to look like a grave cite out here.” She said. “I feel like any moment now we’re going to have some Pet Cemetery action out here.” she said and I laughed a bit because Nakita was frightened of that movie and yet she referenced it. “It would be really bad if that happened huh.”
“I killed them once I’ll do it again.” I told her.
“No your night-self killed them once.” She said and I sighed.
“Night-Ian loves you as much as Day-Ian. For you I will slaughter the world my dear sister no matter what Ian I had to be. To keep you safe I would kill god himself.”
“Maybe if you were a bit nicer to god he would cure you.” Nakita said and my eyes widen at her choice of words. God would cure me. I was sick. I knew that. I know that I’m sick but Nakita never mention it before. I never thought that she viewed my two selves as me having an illness. I never knew that even Nakita wanted me to be cured. I felt hurt my heart felt as if there was a sharp pain shooting through it. Billy or Kennedy telling me to be cured would have been brushed off. Nakita telling me only made me want to cry. Made me want to fall to my knees and weep because in this house. No in this world Nakita was the only person that accepted me for me. She was the only one that never looked down on me. No she never looked down on us. She never judged us or hated us. Day or night Nakita has been the only person to ever love me no matter what. She wasn’t like the rest of them that just wanted me to be pure and healthy and Day-Ian. And yet she said I needed a cure and you only cure what is ill. You only fits that which is broken. So I needed to be fits. I needed to be cured. I was sick to her. I was broken. The pain seemed to intensify as I thought about her words as I dwelled on their meaning. On their message. She spoke of a cure. They all speak of cures as if this is something that I have done. As if my mind being parted was something that I wanted. They said these things as if it was my fault. I closed my eyes for a moment and I was there again. Standing in front of the door. The red door. Only this time I didn’t see myself as a kid but as I am now.
I heard footsteps behind me and I turned quickly to see my night-self standing as far as he could from the door with a frown on his face. I turned to look at the door again. It was shut tight now. There was no darkness leaking out of it. There was no creaked for me to peek in and wonder about. I looked back at Night-Ian again and he was sitting on the floor sharpening a knife that he had on his person.
“Why are you here?” I asked him and he looked up at me briefly from his work.
“And I guess you will guard it?” he mocked me and I frowned and looked at the door again.
“What is behind there? Why do I feel such fear and dread when I’m near this door? What is this place?” I asked and he stood up walking over to me and resting his hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t stand so close Day-Ian if it’s knows we are here it will open. We can’t ever allow it to open again.”
“It’s why we are parted. Because of what’s behind this door?”
“I envy your innocence at times honestly I do Day-Ian.” He said and laughed and pushed me back some before walking back to where he had been and sat down again and went back to his work.
“Why don’t you fear it?” I whispered.
“Are you an idiot? I’m petrified.” he said and my eyes widen because I was sure that Night-Ian feared nothing. I was sure that he was the thing that made you fear him. And yet whatever was behind that door scared even him. He knew, he knew and that was why he feared it. It worried me even more. I didn’t know and I was afraid of the door. Afraid of what was behind it. Afraid of what it meant what it was what it would do. And Night-Ian knew the answer to all of these things and he was scared as well.
“Tell me Night-Ian tell me what is in there.”
“It would be pointless you can’t do anything.”
“How do you know?” I snapped and he stood up again looking at the door putting his knife away.
“Because I can’t do anything. It’s closed now I needed that kill so that we could close it off. But it was just some stupid dog. The door will open again if we don’t kill something bigger better.”
“Like a person?” I asked.
“Like anything that will keep it happy. Feed it Day-Ian. It was the first words that I knew. Even though I know that we were four when this happened. Four or five I think. Feed it are the first true words ever uttered to me.” He said and started to walk away going back to his corner of the mind and leaving me there standing in front of the door. Words whispered in my mind as if I was trying to remember something as well. But they were unclear. I tried harder to hear them but it seem the harder I tried the more jumble they became.
“Day-Ian.” Nakita voice called and I looked at her and sighed.
“Maybe I’m not crazy.” I said and Nakita looked over at me. “Maybe I just need a good priest.”
“So you can go all Exorcism of Emily Rose on us.” She said and I laughed.
“What with the movies today?”
“I’m an actress I am watching them so that I will know how to act in horror movies as well. Beside you aren’t possessed Ian you’re just sick.” Nakita said and I sighed.
“Nakita are you afraid of Night-Ian?” I asked and she shook her head.
“I know that he won’t hurt me.” She told me. “I’m afraid for him sometimes. I’m afraid for you all the times.”
“Why?”
“I don’t get to see you at night a lot. Dad makes me stay away from you but the few times that I talked to Night-Ian I know that it’s just him talking to me. Sometimes though when I talk to you. When Day-Ian is out I can see Night-Ian in your eyes. He shines through you and I wonder if that means that he’s stronger then you. I don’t want to lose you Ian. And with that said I mean just Ian.”
“What does that mean? What does just Ian mean?”
“Day or night the one thing that never change is that you’re Ian. I can’t remember you before there were two of you so I don’t know what it would be like to have just one Ian. I’m not like mom or dad either. I’m not going to pick one over the other. I can say that I always want you to be Day-Ian but then you wouldn’t be Ian. You would be Day-Ian. Or I could say that I want you to be Night-Ian but then you would only be Night-Ian and most likely in jail or a crazy hospital. I guess what I’m saying is there’s two side to ever coin. As people we all have two sides to us. Yours are just more in your face then most people.”
“Nakita do you really want me to be cured.”
“I don’t want you to hurt Ian.” She said and stood up and kissed my forehead before walking back in the house. Ian she keeps saying Ian as if it means something. I only know who I am. I only know who Night-Ian is. So then who is Ian? Plain and simple Ian. No this side or that side. No daytime or nighttime self. Just me or rather him. Just Ian. It’s been so long I wondered the question. Somewhere inside of me I longed for the answer. Who is Ian Robertson?