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Pen Your Pride

(DAY) 25

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Twenty-Five

Day

  I was in my safe place. I was in my safe place but I didn’t feel safe at all. I felt trapped. I felt fearful I felt as if there was a me that wasn’t me in my head. I wanted to be whole. I wanted to be strong. Like Nian. Like Evian. But every time I tried I failed. The harder I tried the more I failed.

            Here I was again in the mind with the voices that was in my head. With their consent voices in my head whispering for me to do things. Using langue that you would never say in front of your mother. I rocked back and forward my hands over my ears but it wasn’t like that meant anything. They were inside of me. Even if I covered my ears I could still hear them.

            It wasn’t that I heard the words that they were saying. I couldn’t make out any of the words but it was this feeling that I got. It was a feeling of lost and loneness. It was a feeling of utter madness inside of me. I knew there words because I could feel them inside of me. Filling me up there words were the only thing that made me move. And yet their words froze me in place. Most of the times I just wanted to scream. To cry out. To ask someone anyone for help. But I had the feeling that they wanted me to do that. They wanted me to beg Nian to help me. They wanted me to fail and break and never be whole again. To cry and whim and just all together suffer.

            I felt like fool because I knew that if I was stronger none of this would have been happening to me. I knew that if I was like Nian or like Evian I would have been fine right now. I would have been me right now.

            “You idiot.” I heard Nian’s voice outside of my door. I knew that he wasn’t talking to me because at the moment there was no need for him to call me names.

            “It wasn’t just me.” Evian said and I wondered what he had done. What had Evian done this time to make Nian so angry? Nian hated Evian so it wouldn’t have to be much.

            “And let me guess.” He mocked Evian. “The big bad wolf is the one that did it. Did he huff and puff and stab the girl in the chest.”

            “I messed up I know.”

            “No!” Nian said. “Messing up was playing that dumb game of yours in the first place. This is something beyond messing up. We are fuck now.”

            “All we have to do is speak with father. He will make it go away. He always makes it go away.” Evian said and I heard a sigh from Nian. Much like me I knew that he didn’t want to go to father. I knew that asking him for help was the last thing that he wanted to do. I thought for a moment that he was going to come in here. I thought for a moment that he was going to make me take the body and ask father for this. After all you catch more bees with honey.

            The body. I shivered just from thinking about it. I didn’t want the body ever again. It was drenched in blood and I knew that meant that so was I. I wanted to clean my hands and my soul so that I could make it into the afterlife. If there was an afterlife. If people like me got to go there when they died. I wanted to go there clean. I wanted to go there free of all he sin that tied me to this body. And yet the more I rejected the body the stronger the voices became.

            “Fix it Evian.” Nian told him in that tone that he used when people had angered him and he was at last laying down the law.

            “I said I would.” Evian yelled back and I could hear him walking away. I heard Nian swear and then a loud banging suggesting that he punched the wall or something like that. I opened up my door to my safe place peeking outside of it to see that it was Nian still in the hall sitting on the floor with his head in his hand. I came out and sat beside him.

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