Moments || H.S

seventy two ; futile devices

(Only a short one since I've got huge things coming up in this book)

Harry sits opposite me, Matilda laying down at his feet as he softly plays guitar. The soothing sound is enough to make anyone tired. Delilah naps upstairs and I wonder if the music is helping her sleep because it's sure as hell calming me down from the stress of the day. 

"What's on your mind?" Harry asks, not looking up from his fingers playing gently. 

"As in now, or recently?" I ask, playing with the hem of my sweater and swaying slightly.  

"Hmm, recently" He answers, stopping his playing and looking up at me

"Well, ever since that night a few weeks ago I've thought a lot about when we were kids" I tell him truthfully and he thinks for a second and nods his head.

"Me too, but more specifically, what part of it?" 

I don't know what he's trying to do, write about it maybe? But I'm curious so I answer. 

"How we were so shy, well not shy, but weren't as open and comfortable. And how we thought this was as close as we could possibly get only to become closer and closer each year. We probably will continue until we die" I answer and he smiles at the memories. 

"Yeah, we were just kids thinking we had the world at our feet" He says, starting to play again "I mean, we had known each other for 3 years before saying 'I love you' and 2 before we slept in the same bed. You used to sleep on my couch all the time. I think we were scared of ruining the friendship by pushing the boundaries too hard" 

"I used to be scared of telling you how I felt" I remember "I thought words were futile devices, useless and wouldn't do the job I needed. I was more into to showing you how much I cared, rather than telling you"

"Yes!" He exclaims and I jump back a bit in surprise, causing him to chuckle a little "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you but that's perfect" 

"What is?" I furrow my brows and watch him change what he was playing. I like the way this sounds. 

"futile devices" he repeats, pulling out his phone and chucking it to me "Write a song about that" 

"Me?" I ask, looking down at his phone, the notes app is open "Harry I can't-"

"Shh, yes you can" He encourages with a smile "Just think about what you just told me, what we felt when we were kids"

He plays a little louder and says again "Don't think to hard.. just go with it"

I take a deep breathe and think. When we were young

Play 'Futile Devices' by Sufjan Stevens 

"It's been a long, long time since I've memorized your face" I sing out, thinking about when he was on tour I didn't see him for months "It's been 4 hours since I've wandered through your place" I remember I used to go to see Anne and Gemma nearly everyday, we all had one thing in common and that was that we missed him. 

"And when I sleep on your couch I feel very safe" I sing what he said, how we were too scared to push the limits of the relationship we had by sharing a bed "And when you bring the blankets I cover up my face" 

I look up to his face, a ghost of a smile as he concentrates playing and I quickly type out what I sung before I continue, taking his advice and trying not to overthink it. 

"I do love you" A tight smile appears on his face as I sing "I do love you" 

I write it down and look back up at his hands, playing so beautifully that's it's inspiring. 

"And when you play guitar I listen to the strings buzz" I sing out, watching his fingers decorated by rings and pink polish play "The metal vibrates underneath your fingers"

I type them out and when I look back at Harry, he's looking at me. A proud smile on his face and I look think hard about what we did when were young. I remember my mother teaching him how to crochet so I sing that out loud. 

"And when you crochet I feel memorized and proud" 

Back then I knew I loved him, but I thought those words were reserved for couples, which we definitely weren't. He one was the one to say it in the end and it only took 3 years. It was on the beach in the afternoon sun. I remember that day so clearly. Saying it was hard, so hard. I tried to find other ways to say it but it always came back to 'I love you' but I knew words meant nothing, unless they could be proven. I don't think that way anymore, words are everything to us now, even more so in song writing. 

"And I would say I love you but saying it out loud is hard" I sing honestly and he nods is head, not sure if he's agreeing or enjoying my singing, maybe both "So I won't say it all and I won't stay very long"

I write the lyrics down and think of what we are currently. So open and honest and in love. We aren't afraid to admit that anymore. Once we realized what was happening, we embraced it. 

"But you were the light, I needed all along" I sing to him, watching his eyes as he smiles "I think of you as my brother, although that sounds dumb"

"And words are futile devices"  I stop singing and type out the last part quickly. 

Harry stops playing guitar and smiles widely "Knew you had it in you" He says "That was beautiful, seriously well done"

"Thanks" I blush and look down at my feet

"Mum?" A small voice says and I look back up to Delilah standing there. Hard to believe she's going to be 4 this year.. She rubs her head and looks between me and Harry. 

"I can't sleep" She pouts and before I can say anything Harry swoops in. 

"Come on, I'll sing to you" He beckons for her to sit next to him and she does, resting her head on his shoulder. I shake my head knowing she'll do what I do and fall sleep there, leaving Harry to sit there and wait for us to wake up. Not my fault is shoulder fits my head perfectly. 

I lean forward and smile. I put my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees as I watch them fondly. 

"What song?" He asks and adjust his guitar on his lap, ready to play and sing quietly. 

"Uncle Louis" She mumbles, yawning and Harry doesn't hesitate to start playing to her my favorite Louis song. He's not just singing to her as he locks eyes with me and smiles softly. 

"This one is We Made It"