Ineffable ~ Good Omens One Shots

Naked And Afraid (NaA AU) -no main ship except mentions at the end-

A/N: I question myself.

Anthony Crowley was not the ideal survivalist. He was skinny and agile, yes, but he's only been camping once in his life. He also loves nature. He is a herpetologist and rescues ducks as a hobby. No camping though.

This was worse than camping. This was naked camping.

"Naked camping Beezy, naked camping."

His partner, Beelze, was more experienced. She eats bugs as a normal part of her diet. She is a professional bow hunter. She goes camping with her husband, Gabriel, once a month year round. Gabriel does more glamping in his RV though. Beelze stays in the wilderness.

"Don't think about the nakedness, Crowley."

Crowley nodded and said, "It's better than thinking about these bugs."

Beelze sighed, "You should try to sleep."

"Oh well so should you," Crowley said. He rolled over and started to doze off.

"I'm trying... I'm trying."

Beelze didn't sleep much that night. At some point she got up and went hunting for fruits. She came back with coconuts and papayas.

The next day Crowley and Beelze worked on further building their shelter. It was raised off the ground to protect from boars.

Nothing much happened after that besides from Crowley jumping in a river to relieve himself from the bug bites. He did that same thing for three days until a fish bit him. He caught that fish bare handed.

On days six and seven Beelze and Crowley made a fish trap.

"So, Beelze, who do you have cheering you on at home?"

Beelze responded, "My husband Gabriel. What about you?"

"My boyfriend Azira. Poor him is so nervous about me being out here. He thinks I'm going to be ate by a crocodile."

Beelze said, "Well you could. You never know."

Crowley nodded. He didn't want to think about being ate by a crocodile.

The fish traps were finished on day eight. They went and put them in the water. For the next six days no fish were caught.

On day fourteen Beelze found a snake. She tried to kill it but Crowley wouldn't let her.

On day fifteen Crowley killed a boar.

Beelze and Crowley celebrated. They ate like it was a meal cooked at the Ritz.

"Damn this is good!" Beelze shouted. Crowley nodded in agreement.

On day sixteen Crowley fell sick. He was throwing up and had severe diarrhea. He also passed out in the middle of the woods. Medics were called in.

"He's got a bacterial infection. It's his choice to pass it through his system or call out."

Crowley stayed. He was miserable. He napped when he could. Two days later he looked like he was on the edge of dying.

"You should call out."

Crowley yawned, "No. I have to stay strong."

Beelze didn't say anything further. She got up and took a walk.

Crowley further threw up. At some point he started dry heaving. Nothing was left in his stomach to throw up.

Beelze cut her foot while out on the walk. Medics had to come and bandage it up.

She went back to the shelter.

"We're fucked, Crowley."

"I know. I should tap out."

"You can if you want to."

"I have to be strong though. Plus, Azira wants me to make it through."

Beelze laid down next to him and said, "Gabriel doesn't care what I do."

"Oh."

"We don't get along. I'm like a devil and he's an angel."

Crowley said, "That's like me and Azira sometimes... He's an angel."

Beelze sighed, "We're not here to talk, about relationship problems."

On day nineteen Crowley felt a bit better. He went out and gathered wood. Beelze helped where she could. It was hard to walk on her foot.

On day twenty they did a final check of the fish traps. There was a huge fish.

It was a fitting meal.

On day twenty one they continued working on the raft. Crowley was feeling completely better now. Beelze's foot was becoming infected, but she knew she could make it. They were in the home stretch.

On day twenty two they finished the raft and planned on how they'd get out of there. Beelze also made Crowley eat bugs.

On day twenty three they left. They floated out to sea. There was a boat waiting for them.

"Over here! Over here!" Beelze shouted. She dove into the water and swam. Crowley waited for the boat to pick him up. Once they got on the boat they received blankets and water bottles.

Two days later they were home. Azira was waiting at the door for Crowley. The moment he opened the door Azira pulled him close and wouldn't let go.

Gabriel was also just excited to have Beelze home. They watched movies together and Beelze was well fed. She didn't prefer Gabriel's vegan pizza, but it was better than nothing.

It was always best to be home instead of in the jungle.