Ineffable ~ Good Omens One Shots

In The Beginning

A/N: yes, mother, I am reading my Bible. Lemme know if you want this to continue. This is such a sin, but eating ketchup on rice is a bigger one. Also I'm agnostic(?) I dunno it's confusing.

In the beginning at 9:13AM God created the heavens and the earth and a little bastard called Aziraphale. Now the earth was formless and empty, just like Aziraphale's stomach. Darkness covered the surface of the watery depths, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. Then God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and God separated the light from the darkness, or at least tried to. She had a nice suggestion from a little angel that sunsets would look very nice. God called the light day and She called the darkness light. Evening came and then the morning. The first day had been productive.

Then God said, "Let there expanse," so God made the expanse between the waters, separating the water from more water. And it was so
God called called the expanse "sky." Tea time came, then evening and then morning. The second day had been even better.

Then God said, "Gabriel and Raphael darlings I need you to give me your stylistic help."

So for the rest of the day Gabriel and Raphael did some yeeting and land appeared. God though this was great but under unfortunate circumstances Raphael had disappeared that night.

The Earth had plenty of scrumptious foods for Aziraphale to much on. Pears were pretty good. God saw how happy so many angels were and decided wow this place is going to be lit fam. Day three was so good.

On day four Raphael was messing around with stars. God would take credit for this because it was Her idea after all. Raphael just happened to be really good at it. To this day he's still bitter about it and screams at God from his flat in Soho, London about it.

On day five God said, "Hey do you know what people will find funny in 6000 years Gabe? Birds, except they'll say birbs because that's just better."

Gabriel titled his head, and almost asked what a bird/birb and people were, but he knew better than to question God.

He had Raphael to do that.

Raphael disappeared for good after that. Nobody said anything until the seventh day.

But back to day six. This day was good. Animals ran around. This new demon named Crawley was bit on the leg by a dog. Also God went ahead and made people. Then she decided to go take a nap.

Well Crawley decided to tempt a lady in the garden. He was quite cunning, because well he's Crawley. In his human form he's hot too.

Well after Crawley asked a bunch of questions and got actual answers. He didn't exactly think what he was doing wrong he was just giving into his cursed nature when he said that it would be great to eat from the apple tree. Apples tasted fine to him anyways. He also didn't see the difference between understanding the whys and hows of good and evil.

Well guess what God's back checking around. She found that her humans screwed up and it was all Crawley's fault. Silly demon. She yelled at him, "You little bitch because you've done this little act you're super cursed, more than any animal. You'll move on your stomach all day. Have fun eating dirt you little twat. I will make your whole thing with Eve bitter. Know what actually you only like dudes now. Have fun with that. Adam is your only shot at anything."

Crawley already had other things in mind. God's little principality also had the same thing in mind. God did not object. She shipped it. Unfortunately Crawley thought God was being mean to him when She said, "One of my principalities named Aziraphale, will someday attack you with a firey passion in his eyes and heart."

It was on the eighth day that God leaned back and smiled. She decided that the Ineffable Husbands were good, and smiled. She obviously picked her OTP. She also concluded that thy angel Aziraphale was kind of a dumb ass but so was Crawley. They just went together like ketchup on rice, the way that She intended it.

Oh yes God intended for there to be ketchup on rice but the humans just forgot about that.