Critiques [CLOSED]

#142 The Girl From Biringan - Arc 1: Intertwined Stars

The Girl From Biringan by @agilasigma

Numbers spelled out in full look more formal.

Great style - it made every scene vivid.

When the princess has that unexpected outburst, it seems a little sudden and out of place. I would add a little more about her stress beforehand so the shouting fits in better.

Comma splices - fix these with a semi colon.

Tense jumps were quite big. Keep the whole story in the past tense.

In the second chapter, you need more description of the explosion and the panic. This will make the reader feel more immersed in the story and make them feel the same panic the characters are feeling.

You used too many ellipsises. I would avoid using that many. I would also put thoughts in italics and put the voice that the girl and boy speak in italics too.

Overall, a good, warm story.

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