Critiques [CLOSED]

#111 The Demon In Disguise

The Demon in Disguise by @JudgyPrincess

Keep the story in the past tense. There were loads of times when you jumped into the present. I would go through the whole thing and change it whenever you see something in the present tense.

You didn't capitalise your i's. This was a consistent mistake and can be easily fixed. Just pointing it out!

Great tension at the beginning. That really did keep me on edge.

The bold parts in the prologue aren't the standard format but I think they suit the style. Keep them if you want - it's your choice.

Ellipses only need 3 dots.

You had many unnecessary additions to words and sentences (like 'run my way' and saying 'ever since' instead of just 'since'). I get you're trying to make the writing puff out more and seem more complex but that is the last thing to do since it ruins the meaning.

New speaker=new line

Colloquialism - if there's a smart business man I doubt he'll be saying 'anyways'.

Your/you're

Commas before names

Paragraphs were too long. Consider splitting them.

You need asterisks or another indicator of a change in time.

Its/it's

Dialogue was off. I would recommend that you pick up any old book and see what the dialogue is like and then replicate that in your own writing.

Overall, a great attempt. Apart from the grammatical and syntax errors, the rest was fine.

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