Critiques [CLOSED]

#4 The Mind Reader

The Mind Reader by sherrylynn1999

The description for this book was good - there was a hook but also a few grammatical errors that could deter your readers from the book. I would consider going over the blurb to check for these mistakes.

Dialogue was wrongly formatted (see previous critiques for useful links on how to format dialogue properly. Hope that helps!)

I found the idea of a mind reader at a school to be very cliche. I know it's been done many times. The only way to overcome this is to have an extraordinary plot with amazing characters that the reader will never forget and, in general, an amazing story. Because I only read five chapters, I can't say whether this is the case, but I thought I'd point it out to you.

To be perfectly honest with you, I really didn't like the main character. I thought she was a complete bitch to Evan, and I didn't really find myself rooting for her. In fact, the complete opposite. She had key moments where she appeared to be all bad-ass, which is great up to an extent, but when it became borderline rude, I just stopped wanting to read about her. The main character should be likeable unless you're wanting to have the reader hate them for some desired effect. 

Adriana Collins just seemed to be made out of cardboard, in my honest opinion. I'm not saying this in any way to be offensive. Please take these points away and improve on them, as I think something much, much better could be produced.

Also, a slight plotting issue. At the end of chapter 2, the class bell rings to dismiss the lesson, but it seems the fight between Amanda and Adriana only could have lasted max ten minutes. Consider maybe having a bit of class time or specifically mention something about the time to clear up any mishaps. 

There were many, many tense jumps. The original tense for the story was meant to be in present tense, but in almost every paragraph you would jump to past tense and then back to present, and it all got very confusing.

One it's/its issue but I don't think it's much of a problem.

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