Critiques [CLOSED]

#77 One Summer

FULL BOOK REVIEW
One Summer by @freedomgirl007
CHAPTERS 1-3

The beginning wasn't very intriguing for me. Since this is an action book I really think you should start in media res (in the middle of the action). So like when she's breaking into the school. And then you can have background information afterwards.

You don't need a capital after a semi colon. A semi colon is only used when you want to separate two sentences that are closely linked in topic.

Tense jumps were a HUGE problem. You started your story in the past tense and would jump to present all the time. Go through and make sure everything sticks to one tense.

With dialogue, you need a comma before the dialogue tag, and the tag itself needs to be in a lower case.

More description would have been nice instead of pictures. I think describing the car could have enhanced the writing a lot more.

Thoughts in italics and no speech marks.

Commas before names.

There was a lot of colloquial language used. I get that you want to engage with the reader but most of the time it just made the writing clunky.

Numbers spelled look more formal.

You need asterisks to mark changes in time.

The plot was relatively cliché, to be perfectly honest.

You need commas to separate clauses.

There was a good sense of realism between Dakota and her siblings. I liked the rivalry. I do think she was a bit too truthful with her parents. It didn't seem real because it didn't fit with her bad-ass personality. I'd expect her to at least lie a little. If this isn't what you intended then I would recommend looking at the main character from a new angle and re establishing her.

Prepositions were sometimes not right (like 'get up Facebook.' I would say load up Facebook).

Likewise with the character situation with Dakota, her parents were being too dramatic with that whole bible and public school speech. If you want to keep it this way then you at least need Dakota to acknowledge that they're being too over dramatic.

Overall, an okay attempt. Please don't be disheartened by any of my comments. Since I'm doing a full book review for you I want to be as brutally honest as possible. This was quite a brutal review but I promise it's nothing personal. I just want to really delve into this so you get the most out of it.

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CHAPTERS 4-7

Basically the same as before. For dialogue you NEED commas and YOU NEED LOWER CASES.

Not that many tense jumps this time!

Please please please please go through and proof read. I know you're going to edit but make sure you go through absolutely everything since you had many consistent mistakes.

Anything to do with flashbacks should be in italics.

The whole plot change about them moving was too sudden and unrealistic. In real life, parents wouldn't have done that and even if they did, Dakota would be terribly suspicious.

More description please!