Critiques [CLOSED]

#95 Henry's Paradise

Henry's Paradise by @RebeccaSmith260

Great start - it was a brilliant description that was so vivid. The hook into the second chapter was great too.

Your paragraphs are quite long. I would consider splitting them.

Fantastic similes and linguistic devices.

I only found one comma splice but it was tiny.

Character development was en pointe. You really captured a sense of mystery with what Ronnie did and who he killed. Great playing with the reader's emotions.

Just look at my comments and fix up a few things. Really not a lot! Only some word suggestions (like the "shock out" thing I was explaining earlier).

Also, I would consider making the first chapter a prologue since Henry is only mentioned in that one and Ronnie is for the rest of them. It just makes sense to have it that way, but it's your choice.

Overall, a fantastic story full of intrigue and tension. I see full potential in it.

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