Critiques [CLOSED]

#7 Blissfully Ever After

Blissfully Ever After by naalboye

The first few sentences of this were good - it almost read like poetry with the flowing, lyrical lines. However, this stopped dead as soon as I saw the dialogue.

For every new person there needs to be a new paragraph. Look at this:

"Hello," said Linda.

"Want some tea?" replied Thomas.

Each person is on a new line and there are commas at the end of sentences BEFORE a dialogue tag (which is the 'said Linda' part). This doesn't happen when there's an action; instead there's a full stop. For example:

"Hello." Linda raked her fingers through her hair, lips splitting into a huge yawn.

"Want some tea?" replied Thomas.

You need commas to split clauses, many of which I didn't see. Numbers spelt out look more formal. Thoughts should be put in italics.

Also A/N's in the middle of writing don't always work. I know you want to be involved in the plot and explain things to your readers, but most of the time it just makes the writing look clunky and messy. It's your choice whether you want to keep it, though. I'm just pointing out suggestions.

At the end of chapter 4, there was a tense jump all of a sudden. Your whole story was in the past tense and then - BAM - the last paragraph you switch to present.

Also, the beginning of the book seems quite slow. Nothing much happens in the first few chapters. I don't know if that is intentional or not, but I think after 5 chapters you need to start to get the plot moving.

Overall, this was a good try. Please use these comments to adjust your writing and improve on it. I wish you all the best!

Remember that this is a critique, NOT a criticism. Please spread the word!

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