Critiques [CLOSED]

#13 Goin' Through The Motions

Goin' Through the Motions by YuhAuntieCrystal

Quite a few mistakes were prominent in this book. Like there were barley any commas before names and commas separating clauses.

I found this example a lot:

I said, chuckling. You need the comma here and before names too.

Contractions for slang should have an apostrophe. Like runnin' and gettin'. I get you're trying to mimick everyday speech as much as possible but doing this will clear up the writing and make it easier to read.

Numbers spelled out make things seem more formal.

You need question marks at the end of questions!! (This happened a lot in dialogue especially).

In the first few chapters, you repeated the entire scene you wrote in Loyalty's POV all in John's one, which was a bit unnecessary. I would refer to the points in a summary but not write out the exact wording of the dialogue again since it was just a bit tedious and clunky.

Using images is good but I think you could have used more description, particularly when they break into the zoo. More detail on the pool and the place would have made it seem more magical and probably made me like John more.

In chapter 6, you changed Loyalty's POV to third person, which was not like it used to be. Keep her POV in first person throughout to avoid confusion.

Overall, a good attempt. I don't mean in any way for these comments to be offensive. I think if you took them on board, you could make your story look better to the eye through grammar and presentation.

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