Critiques [CLOSED]

#116 Enemies Forever

Enemies Forever by @dazzlingmeteors

Tense jumps were a big problem. The story started off in the past tense and then there were loads of times when you went into the present. I would go through and check this.

The plot was very cliché. The characters, I found, were underdeveloped. I think we need more insight into Hailey.

Some repititions of words (e.g. 'locker' that I commented on).

Some grammatical mistakes where you used the past tense twice (like 'didn't flinched'.) I tried to correct these for you but I'm not sure if I got all of them. Also, some sentences could have been phrased better too.

The dialogue tag should be in lower case. Like this:

"I'm going outside," said George. He turned on his heel, flouncing. "And you ain't stopping me."

"Fine!" roared Andrew, gripping the table counter until his knuckles turned white. "Hope it starts pissing down while you're out there!"

Use that as an example^^

More description would have really enhanced the quality of the writing. (Describing the club and Hailey's fear would be a great place to start.)

Thought should be in italics (only saw like one place where I thought this would be necessary so don't worry about it too much).

Overall, an okay attempt. Keep working on it!!

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