Critiques [CLOSED]

#11 Heart Sound

Heart Sound by Startouched

Dialogue was quite a bit problem in this book. Here I have a few examples of how it should be done.

"Hello," I said, holding my cup of coffee. "I'd like to order something."

If you want to have the person do an action right after they say something, you don't need the comma. So it's:

"Hello." I placed the coffee down on the table. "I'd like to order something."

Also, the full stop at the end comes before the closing speech mark, a lot of which I didn't see.

Some contraction errors.

it's=it is

its=belonging to it.

e.g. It's a lovely day outside.

The dog shook its fur.

There is no such thing as its'. Hope the examples above helped clear up a few things.

You also need commas to separate clauses. (For example: 'she looked at the glass, bending down to get a better view').

There were also many comma splits. Like:

I like chips, they're yummy. WRONG!

I like chips; they're yummy. RIGHT!

There should be commas before names and there were quite a few spelling errors (like 'whaled' instead of 'wailed').

All of your grammar mistakes are a very easy fix. I would seriously consider revising your document and chapters before you post them though, as these little mistake soon build up until you have a very badly-edited document.

I think the storyline is very good. I particularly love your endings to all three parts (including the sneak peek one at the end of chapter two - I think that ending is my favourite). The plot is outstanding, although I would consider thinking through about Evie and the team cleaning up the mess a bit more before they leave the crime scene.

Overall, good plotting, but the grammar detracted from it. But, as I said, the grammar is an easy fix.

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