Critiques [CLOSED]

#54 While Her Lips Are Still Red

While Her Lips Are Still Red by @Fayesther

There was a good use of layout in the prologue with the poem. It looked very nice on the page and it had a clear and polished look to it.

You had lots of exclamation marks in that poem. I know you wanted it to sound like a warning but to me it sounded more like excitement. I'm not sure what you could do to change it but I'd just keep that in mind.

Some sentences needed rewriting (like the first sentence of the first chapter that I commented on). There were some parts where it didn't make much sense or where the meaning could have been made a lot clearer.

Comma splits was a big problem. This was where you had two sentences that made perfect sense on their own but you joined them together with a comma. What you should do instead is join them with a semi colon. I commented on most of these for you but it would be a good idea to go through the rest of it and also future chapters too.

Numbers spelled out look more formal.

You had some very occasional tense jumps.

There was a good sense of intrigue throughout the whole of the three chapters that I read. You have a particular style that I like and it reminds me of a fusion between modern day and olden, folky writing (if that makes sense!)

However, I did find that sometimes you used too many unnecessary words such 'that' and 'all' and 'quite'. These are perfectly good words but not when used excessively.

A few it's/its issues but I think that is mainly down to not pressing the right key or autocorrect.

There were so many commas that I sometimes lost track of the sentence!!

Overall, a well-thought out story with an original plot line. I think the plot really needs to get going after this, though. Also, I REALLY recommend you proofread.

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