Confessions

132 "To my Engineer"

Post taken from//Fb page: Student Secret Files

To my Engineer,

Hi.
Hindi ako nandito para manggulo or what. I don't even know kung babasahin mo ito. It's your choice. We're friends, right? Kung tinuturing mo pa akong kaibigan o kakilala man lang.

I've talked to a friend close to us and he was the one that convinced me to say this to you. He told me:

"May nabasa ako. Dati syang nurse ng mga matatanda na malapit ng mamatay. Tapos ininterview sya kase ang tanda na din nya and she was asked kung ano ang biggest regret ng mga old people na mamamatay na and ang sabi nya:
" People don't regret the things they did, People most regret the things they didn't do. "
If you wanna talk to him, go talk to him. at the end, you'll regret if you did nothing"

Isa yan sa dahilan why I'm saying all these to you, and I just can't let these feelings pass without me venting it out. It's been almost 2 weeks. I don't want to make this hard for you. Although I know I am. Sorry.

I know you've been through a lot. A lot. And I know you found peace and satisfaction without me. I'm really hoping you're doing well.

Pero it's been weeks. At di ko na alam gagawin ko. Di ako makatulog. Di ako makatulog ng maayos, di ako makaligo ng maayos. Tuwing mag isa ako, I cry. I don't know why.

There seems to be a void in me. May nawawala. And I've been dreaming of our happy memories together. Then magigising nalang ako crying. I don't know why. Is it you? Di ko talaga alam. I'm really sorry for saying this all to you.

Then I saw your twitter account. Why of all the times na pwede ko yun makita, at this time pa? It really strucked me. It moved me. I was really crying hard nung nakita ko mga posts mo. I felt pain. So much pain, di ko alam pano ko nalampasan yung araw na yun. I know this means nothing to you now. Why of all the times ngayon pa? Why?

Alam ko din na nananahimik ka na living your life far away from me. But please don't disregard that you've been a part of me. Kaya sana please give me this little chance to say these things to you. I'm not expecting any reply mula sayo. I just can't let another day pass without me saying these all.

Akala ko okay na ako. Akala ko magiging okay na ako. Akala ko wala na. Akala ko I'd be happier. Akala ko I'll be better. Akala ko I'll never cry for you again. But I'm wrong. I don't feel any fulfillment now. Or happiness. Or courage. I'm just too sad. I don't know. I'm really sorry. I'm not hoping for us to be okay or what. Ayoko na guluhin ka, please. Hayaan mo lang sana ako to say things that I didn't get to say to you. If there would be a chance to meet you like what you asked for me before I'd really love to do it. I can't sleep.

I really, really, really love you. So much. Very much. But I didn't expect you to be the same person to hurt me. That much. But now. Now.... I miss you. Sobra sobra. Sobra na it makes me cry by just thinking about it. I miss you and I really don't know how will I cope with this. Pano ko malalagpasan to if every day ikaw pa rin naiisip ko.

Pano ko mafifill itong void na to sa puso ko if I know I can't have you anymore? It just feels like only your hug will make me better. Lahat ng memories natin. I thought wala na lahat yun. But now I still linger to it. I'm longing for it. I also cried when I saw na you deleted our photos. Grabe. Why did I cried like that.

Alam mo ba ngayon, di ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Para akong nawawala. I don't know if I'm in the right path. Cause if yes, bakit di ako masaya? It seems, a part of me was lost when I lost you.

But now alam ko wala na. I know you're happy and better off without me. I just want you to know na sobra sobrang mahal kita. But I know it will not make any difference. I miss you so much. I miss the old me. I miss us.

I'm really sorry for saying this all to you now.
But you will always have a part of me. And now, I don't know how can someone fill it. Di ko talaga alam. Lalo kung yung nawawalang part is hawak mo lang, and it's the only piece that fits perfectly.

I'm sorry. I miss you so much. But I know, you're in a good state now. I hope all the best for you now.

babo
Eng'g 2010