Kwentong Kolehiyo

Nine Mornings Part 1

December 16, 2014

I walked through the church gates. As per Philippine Catholic tradition, we wake up for nine mornings every year before Christmas day for a special novena. It’s been a while since I last entered this church, or any church for that matter. After everything that’s happened in my life this year, I lost faith; I questioned my belief in God. But now I realized that I should have held on to God during my trials instead of letting go. So, in an attempt to make amends for my lost faith (in this last season of the year, I might add), I have pledged to complete the dawn masses.

As I entered, I saw him. He was wearing a white, long-sleeved barong. He was fixing his barong, buttoning up his sleeves. So he was the new lay minister now; that I have not expected. I have actually braced myself for this meeting, but I was surprised to see him that way. He looked up towards me as I walked. I pretended not to notice him so as to avoid any awkward moments.

This year was full of downs more than ups. Although there were good times, the bad times overshadowed the happy memories. One problem after the other came to me and my family, and, to put the cherry on top of this shitty year, he did what I never imagined he would do. Everything went downhill since then. Naturally, we broke up; I was bitter, I was angry, I wallowed in remorse. I cried all the tears that needed to be cried; after that, I put myself together and started to make peace with myself. I forgave him wholeheartedly for what happened, and I moved on (at least I thought I have).

This December was the culmination of an awful year; I was ready to move on to better things this coming 2015.

I walked inside the church to join my family, already seated and waiting for me. My mom’s not going to like this, I thought. We were seated at the center pews of the church, and, as if it were a joke made by God, I was seated near the center aisle, where the priests, altar servers, and LAY MINISTERS (caps lock for intensity) will make their way for the entrance. Great. While waiting for the mass to begin, I was nervous and fidgety in my seat. It was like I wanted the mass to begin and end both at the same time. I did what I can do to pass the time: Pray. Say sorry to the Lord for not believing in Him during the times when I needed to; for doubting His existence, for questioning His plans. And I asked Him to calm my nerves because after all, I came here for Him, not for the other him.

Just the sight of him made me cringe. My system was a cocktail of different emotions. Why am I still affected by just the mere presence of him? All the emotions I used to feel toward him, the good ones when everything was okay between us and the bad ones when everything went down, were coming back to me at that moment.

The commentator finally announced the beginning of the Eucharistic celebration. The church bells rang. We stood up. As if an automatic response, everybody looked back in anticipation of the entourage. I didn’t; I knew what I would see. Says a lot about me huh? That I am a person who never looks back on the past. My mom and the rest of my family looked back. I watched my mom’s reaction turn from that of a happy face, to a somewhat irritated, straight face look. She already saw him. I fought the urge to look back.

But, the stupid, naïve girl that I am, I couldn’t help it. I looked back. I looked back just in time to see the priest, the altar servers, and the lay ministers walk by. I looked back just in time to see him, and for one brief intense second, our eyes met. If they could speak, they could have said a lot of things.

Mine said: There he is, my biggest mistake. 
His said: There she is, my biggest regret.

CLARIFICATION: He is a LAY MINISTER, not a PRIEST, and no plans whatsoever on being one. At least I hope he doesn’t. It’s too late for him anyway. Wala naman po akong balak ma-excommunicate sa simbahan :)

All Too Well - Taylor Swift 
2016 
Graduate School