Kwentong Kolehiyo

1:49AM

Umaga na naman. Kakauwi lang ni *jowa*, nanuod kami ng movie. So eto, unstable na naman ang puso ko kung anong dapat maramdaman. I want to be genuinely happy for having him by my side. Pero I can feel the distance getting farther. So magdadrama na naman ako nito? I don't want to but I can't help it. The smallest changes sa pakikitungo niya sakin napapansin ko. Mula sa pagkawala ng mga 'smiley' sa texts niya hanggang sa pagiging distant niya sakin kahit magkatabi na kami. Maybe I'm exaggerating things pero I'm easily being hurt kapag hindi ko na narereceive yung mga little gestures niya before. Yung pag nanunuod kami ng movie, halos wala kaming ma-gets pareha kasi busy kami maglambingan. When there's a chance he'll sneak a kiss at yakap. But ngayon even when we're all alone, hindi man lang maka-akbay sakin. I'm leaning to him pero parang I'm floating. Wala akong rock na masandalan. Why does it feel this way? We're face to face but he seem so far away. I want to ask him if he still loves me but I'm scared that he'll get annoyed at me for asking a stupid question. Or maybe I'm scared if naghesitate siyang sumagot. I'm having this feeling na unti-unti na siyang umaayaw sakin. I don't want to entertain the thought, but it keep slipping in my mind. I almost cried kanina habang nanunuod kami dahil parang wala na talagang spark. After ng movie he kissed me, I responded but it's not the same anymore. There's something missing.

I don't want to focus on the things that makes me feel incomplete, I want to focus on the things that we have. It's just that I kept remembering the way he used to be, the way we used to be. It's so different now. I want to get back to those memories when we cherish every moment together. I want us to be the couple we're once before but I don't know how to do it. I don't want to give up on us cause I really love him. I thought before that I can be without him when I'm feeling unimportant but it's not that simple. I don't want him to left me, I want him to hold on to me even if I'm very moody. I want him to reassure me that I'm the one he wants to be with in the future. I want him to call me 'asawa ko' like he used to because even if it's 'korni' I felt that somehow I can really be that one. I don't know if it's okay for me to read his old messages or it's just making me feel even worst. Because his words before send butterflies in my stomach. It made me feel that we can make it through. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic  How can I make him treat me like before? I want to feel important, cared for, and loved. I want the old him, the one who would drop by early in the morning just to see me. The one who asks why I'm so serious when I don't have 'smileys' on my messages. The one who would text me back again and tell me to send him a message with a kissing emoticon when he's about to sleep when I did not put one. The one who would tell me that he misses me even if we're together earlier that day. The one that would randomly and out of nowhere tell me that he loves me. The one who will text me several times even tried to call me when I'm not texting him back. The one who would send me funny videos for me to also laugh. The one who told me that he can wait for me, until I become a doctor so he can marry me because he don't want anybody else. The one who told me that he'll cry if I ever told him that I want a break up. The one who had given me a letter for the first time even if he's frightened of doing so. The one who told me that he'll be away for a year and a half but will come back to me as soon as he can.The one that kisses me a million times when I'm asleep just to wake me up. The one who would want to kiss my underarm even if I don't allow it. The one who would brush the hair out of my face. The one who feeds me when I'm being lazy. The one who would scold me when I'm skipping meals and get mad when I did not bring my umbrella when it rains. The one who held my hand, hugged and kissed me whenever there's a chance.

All the happy memories, all the heart melting moments are coming back to me and I'm missing it badly. I want to tell him all of these so that he'll know I'm missing the old him. I've tried and I think he didn't take it well. I'm really scared of what's happening to us now. I feel like any moment he would tell me that he doesn't love me anymore. I don't want to keep bugging him that we're changing because I'm scared he'll get tired of me for always complaining. What's happening to me? I'm really being paranoid these past few days. Please Lord, calm my heart. I can't make him reassure me that he will love me until the day that we can be truly be together, please be the One to do that for him. Please erase these heartaches and feeling of sadness in my heart. Filled it with joy and contentment. And let me trust him, trust him that he'll keep his words, his promises that we can have our forever. I think I'll be shattered once he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. All along I kept thinking that if ever we'll broke up, I'm the one who had given up and he'll be the one who would want to keep going. But it's scaring the hell out of me that I might be wrong. That I might be the girl who's left alone If the time comes that it's not really working anymore and the couple where once got separated, I know You will be the there to comfort and hold me. I know it will not be easy. I know I'll experience excruciating pain inside. I know my heart will be shattered and will never be the same anymore. I know I've changed and I can't go back to the girl I was before. But I know also that everything happens for a reason. I know You have plans for me. I know that everything will be fine again. I now believe that we need to experience pain and be broken for us to be stronger and be whole again. I'm hoping for the best. Still wishing and praying that we'll work this out and we'll be the 'PARTNERS' we're once before. I believe.

BlahBlahBlah
2016
College of Science