Kwentong Kolehiyo

All Too Well

I walked through the door with you, the air was cold, but something 'bout it felt like home somehow.

July 9, 2010, it's been exactly 5 years when I finally gave my yes to you. First love kita at first mo rin ako. Months after, you decided to break up with me. Incompatibility? Misundestanding? I never knew the reason why. Hindi mo naman kasi sinabi, bigla ka nalang nawala. Bigla mo nalang akong hindi pinansin for weeks, binago mo rin RS mo sa FB at blinock ako, it was an immature move, yes. Wala tayong official breakup at hindi na rin ako humingi ng closure. Believe it or not, hindi kita inayakan even if you're my first heartbreak. Hinayaan nalang kitang umalis. Gusto mo yan eh. Instead na habulin ka, nagmove on nalang ako.

And I know it's long gone, and that magic's not here no more. And I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all.

A year after our breakup, bigla ka nalang sumulpot. Sabi mo you just wanted to be friends. Pumayag ako dahil confident naman akong wala na akong nararamdaman para sa'yo at dahil din may bf na ko that time. Ikaw naman, may nililigawan. Pero one time, nag-away kami ng bf ko, and you were the reason. I kept comparing him to you. Later that night, hiniling ko na sana tayo nalang ulit, na siguro kung hindi kita hinayaang umalis noon, tayo pa rin hanggang ngayon. Bumalik sakin lahat ng memories natin at kumawala na rin yung sakit na tinago at kinulong ko ever since you left me. And that was the first time I cried over a boy. I broke up with my bf the next day and naintindihan naman niya yung rason ko. Ikaw pa din pala. At back to square one na naman ako sa pagmomove on sa'yo.

I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do. And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to.

We became good friends, best friends pa nga eh. I was always there for you when you needed someone to talk to. We were midnight buddies, before 10 pm ichachat mo na ko and we'll talk about our dreams and other nonsense things hanggang sa makatulog tayo. Lagi mong tinatanong kung may nanliligaw ba sakin. Kahit meron, sasabihin ko sa'yo wala. Hindi na ko nagpaligaw sa iba simula nung naging mas close tayo. Umamin ka sakin na mahal mo pa rin ako pero hindi na katulad ng dati. Sabi mo I'll always have a special place in your heart. I said I feel the same way. Weeks after, nanghihingi ka ng advice kasi may liligawan kang iba.

Well, maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.

JS Prom, you asked me to be your date, pumayag ako but somehow things didn't go well as planned. Masyado ka kasing nalate non. We kind of dated but separately. You with your set of friends and I with mine. You asked me to save my first dance for you. Naalala mo pa ba yung mga sinabi mo sakin while we were dancing? You said we'll travel the world after we graduate college and you wanted me to meet your parents soon. Ang dami mong sinabi that night pero ang tumatak sa isip ko was when you said ""Malay mo, tayo pa rin pala sa huli."" Days after, may iba ka nang nililigawan.

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest.

You often ask me out on a date pero laging hindi natutuloy. Laging cancelled. Medyo nadidisappoint ako everytime na maka-cancel kasi umaasa talaga ako na we can spend time with each other outside the social media and our school. Pero the last time you asked me was the most painful. Naguluhan talaga ko sayo non. You asked me out sa mismong monthsary natin. You never asked me out on ""our day"". Sabi ko sa sarili ko hindi na ko aasa dahil baka macancel na naman. Night before that day I asked you kung tuloy ba you said yes. So eto na talaga yon tuloy na tuloy na sa wakas. Pero syempre like all other cliche movies, you cancelled it at the last minute. I wasn't angry like you asked me, I was hurt. Umasa pa rin kasi ako kaya ako nasaktan. The following day, I found out nililigawan mo na naman siya.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.

Ayoko na, that's it. I'm tired of playing your game. Nakakapagod din palang mag-antay sa wala. One day, you're telling me you still want me, the next day, you'll be off with someone else. Hindi ako spare tire na pwede mong ipalit kapag nasira ang isa mong gulong. Wag mo kong gamitin para lang tumakbo yang letcheng buhay mo. Hindi ako back up plan o second option na pipiliin mo lang pag wala ka nang choice. Hindi ako restaurant na pwede kang magpareserve para siguradong may pwesto ka. I don't settle for temporary, I want something permanent. Choose me or lose me. I can't be your second option, when you were my first. Gusto ko nang magmove on pero everytime na lang na okay na ko, tsaka ka naman susulpot. So, I'm begging you to let me go. I have tried and tried to move on pero hindi mo ko hinahayaan. Bumitaw na ako noon, pero sinundan mo pa rin ako. Bakit? Why do you have to be so selfish? I want to be happy too. Wag kang kupal please.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known. It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well.

Luna
20**
Faculty of Arts and Letters