Strong. Smart. [Beautiful]. Rich.
All those traits...don't they make up a 'perfect' person? Being so perfect...it must be a dream, right?
Let me tell you-- it's not.
I was always the strongest girl in my class. I was always the smartest in my grade. I was always told that I was really beautiful. I come from a rich[er] family.
I was always the cream of the crop.
I enjoyed all the praise for a while, but it felt wrong. The spotlight was always on me. Everyone was watching and talking about everything I'd do.
I hated that. I still hate it.
They talked about everything.
Once you have a high reputation, it sticks in people's minds. They expect the very best from you, and if you don't, you're a failure. A disappointment.
If you get an A instead of an A+, you're suddenly an idiot.
The pressure just builds and builds, until you live your life trying to please everyone. You become super obedient.
Trying not to break any rules can shatter your mind. Any sort of situation which breaks the rules makes you panic.
The worst part? Their expectations only get higher. Not only do you have to have perfect grades, but now you have to obey their every word, and have a stunning body.
You must be physically and mentally perfect, constantly changing to fit their idea of perfect.
You thought there was a limit to the word 'perfect'---there isn't.
Although I was the strongest, smartest, and the most [beautiful], everyone still dared to pick a fight with me.
They knew the pressure was shattering my mental stability, even amongst all the praise I got.
They began small. A little shove here, a little push there. Eventually it made it to the point where an actual wrestling fight would break out during recess.
I don't call this physical bullying because...well...they couldn't beat me anyway. But that's not the point.
I would never retaliate unless things got serious. I would fight them if I had to, but I pulled my hits so they wouldn't have any bruises to prove themselves.
I was Little Miss Perfect--never fighting back, never breaking rules.
Even after the fight was long over, I'd mull over the consequences my mom and teachers would bring upon me if they found out.
It was too much for me. To top it off, I was mentally bullied in that very sneaky-girl way.
I was envious of everyone. My classmates, my cousins, even the naughty kids bothering their parents off the street. They had one thing I didn't have.
Freedom. Freedom to do as I wanted, freedom to live for myself and live as myself.
My cousins were always the class clowns. Yet I envied them, because they didn't care if they broke the rules and caused a stir.
My classmates. They were so normal, so average. I just wanted to fit in the crowd, instead of standing on the podium.
For years I hated myself for being so stupid. I was so stupid to pass all those tests. I was so stupid to constantly get perfect marks. I was so, so stupid to let them think highly of me.
I hated being rich. I hated being beautiful. I hated being strong. I hated being athletic.
I hated that nobody could take me down and beat the crap out of me without regrets.
I hated everything.
Why did God have to make me so damn perfect?
(Answer: because he wants to show us that being materially 'perfect' is not all there is to be)
I knew many of my classmates were jealous of my perfection. Everything was too easy for me.
Yet they had something more important. They were accepted by those around them, welcomed into their 'mediocre' group.
I hate when people ask if they can switch brains with me. I hate when people ask if they can take my muscle. I hated it all.
In the 2017-2018 school year, I decided to let go of it all. I didn't want to do any exercise. I didn't want to have good grades. I wanted to be at the very bottom for a change.
But I couldn't! I couldn't fail!
Yes, my grades dropped because I wasn't trying to learn anymore. But they were still above average. My mom and dad kept asking why my grades suddenly plummeted. I could always answer with an 'I don't know' because I knew they wouldn't accept the truth.
I know this will be off topic (as I usually am) but I always hated my parents for being hypocritical. They always talk about finding and accepting the truth, yet I knew they wouldn't accept the truth that I didn't want to be a dentist, but an animator or draw manga.
Back to the point.
I didn't complete my extra-curricular duties. I stopped practicing my piano and violin, didn't complete my music theory homework, didn't complete my abacus math homework.
I wanted to cry because of scoldings every once in a while (still do) but I reminded myself I wouldn't cry over petty things.
But let's be honest here. What has a greater impact: The acceptance of the generations before yours, or the acceptance of your generation, which grew up with you, and speaks in the same style?
I'm pretty sure most of you will answer the latter.
Baacckkk to the point (again).
The real question is ''Why did God make me so perfect?" And for you guys....''When will I start living for myself?"
I believe that God gifted me with my problem-solving skills to figure out why we suffer like this.
We.
I know I'm not the only one who suffers from trying to please everyone all at once.
When will you live for yourself?
I know, I know. ''It's not all about me.'' That's what I'm always told as well. However, we're also told ''It's about we.''
What is 'we'? It consists of you AND me. Not just you. There's a balance between living for others (aka complete slavery to other's ideals) and living for yourself (aka complete selfishness). I still haven't found that balance, but I hope I will.
At least I understand now.
So, again, when will you start living for yourself?
💖Terralyn💖