Smoke and Bones (Smoke #4)

[ 17 ]

The ruffles dropped along the floor as the off white fabric covered my body. I moved my hand along my stomach nervously, receiving an odd look from the blonde haired mother behind me, who somehow managed to drag her attention away from Taylor Swift's instagram page.

This was the second dress I tried on today, yet for some reason it felt I had been at the boutique all day.

My eyes trailed over to the mirror before dropping down to my stomach.

Was it strange that I was soon going to become a wife and was yet to have to any bump over there? Or no kids born already?

Or was it strange that I was thinking about this before I had settled down officially with Andrew?

Despite the miscarriage, I did want children. I always wanted to have my own or adopt if that wasn't an option.

But neither of us had mentioned about having kids since we found out about the loss of our child. In all honesty, it was difficult to tell who was more hurt by the miscarriage. Sometimes I had to force myself to not mention anything more about children and other times Andrew would seem hesitant went the topic was bought up or when we tried for kids.

"Scarlett?" Andrew asked as I recalled myself bursting into tears.

"I - I can't can't do this." I muttered to myself as I leaned my forehead against Andrew's shoulder. It was strange. So much had happened, and yet almost a month after miscarriage I couldn't help but to feel guilty about trying anything with Andrew. The Canadian footballer moved closer towards me and wrapped his arm around me.

"What can't you do? Is this too much for you? We don't have to continue if you don't-"

"What if it happens again Andrew? I mean if I fall pregnant again and then somehow just lose it? What if it just happens when I'm taking as much caution as I can and I lose my child again?"

"You don't possibly know that's going to happen." He softly added as I let out a sob.

"How can you be so sure Andrew? Last time everyone told me the excuse of the stairs or the argument. What if this time I'm just sitting and after the contractions the doctor tells me there's nothing that can be done? I don't want to go through something like that again only to disappoint you because my body isn't working." I cried as Andrew sighed. His eyes looked down on the bedsheets nervously.

"You could never disappoint me Scarlett. You know that, right? Just - I - I'll always love you no matter what." He eventually got out, almost as if he wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't blame him. I wouldn't even be sure what to say.

"I just don't want you to hate me if something goes wrong again."

"Look, it's." He paused, his voice stern but uncertain. "It's just - maybe we shouldn't have kids right now. It's not the right time and you're still grieving over what happened. I don't want that pressure on you. We shouldn't need to make a big fuss if there's no need to."

That was what bothered me about Andrew. The way he spoke about that night confused me if he actually wanted children or not. His reaction to finding out about the pregnancy still plagued my mind. His excuses of being a teenager and that he was focused on his career.

It still hurt when I thought about his exact words, telling me that I should of had a baby with one of his teammates because they were more mature.

But a part of me was greatful he pushed aside those childish comments and agreed to raise the child before it passed away.

However, it was under the pretence of us getting together.

Was it wrong for me to have given that ultimatum when I was still in love with Marcus at the time or, that it was clear he wasn't ready for a child at the time?