The next day I went to work and trev seemed better. At least I thought he was better. We had a normal morning. He was sleeping when I woke up and by the time I got out the shower he was up, which was normal. I just felt bad because I probably woke him up.
"Morning, sleepyhead." I said and he smiled weakly.
"Morning." He said. His voice was soft and raspy.
"You okay today?" I asked and he nodded.
"Better." He said.
"Good. I have to get to work today. I love you." I said and went over to him. I kissed him and he wrapped his arms around me.
"I love you so much." He said.
"Mmm. I don't want to go to work." I groaned into his chest and he rubbed my back.
"I don't want you to go either but I'm okay." He said.
"I know... I'll see you later, okay? Do you want me to bring you any food home?" I asked and he shook his head.
"I'm fine." He said and I sighed.
"I'll bring Chinese." I said as I got up. He just nodded and I grabbed my phone and wallet.
"Bailey?" He asked and I looked down at him as he laid on the bed.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"I really do love you so much. Don't forget that." He said.
"I would never forget that." I said and he smiled weakly.
"Have a good day." He said.
"Thanks. I'll be home before you know it." I said and he nodded.
"Can I kiss you again?" He asked.
"Why do you have to ask permission?" I asked as he got up and he cupped my cheeks. He locked his lips on mine and I put my hands on his arms.
"You sure you're okay?" I asked as I pulled away.
"I'm okay. Just wanted to kiss you one more time." He smiled and I smiled weakly up at him.
"Okay. See you." I said and he let go of me.
"See you, Bails." He said and laid back down. Something didn't seem right with him, but I knew he wouldn't let me stay home with him again and didn't want me to worry. I just wanted him to be okay.
* * *
While at work, I was so busy I didn't even have time to take a break. I had to put in so many grades from being behind and I had to organize my mess of a desk. I also had to tutor a few students and it was overall a hectic day. I just wanted to go home and be in trevs arms with Dak.
When I got home I walked into the house and looked everywhere downstairs and trev wasn't there. He must have just been sleeping upstairs.
I walked upstairs calling his name excitedly and there was no reply.
"Trev?" I asked and cooper ran out the bedroom to me.
"Where's daddy cooper?!" I asked excitedly and kissed him as he jumped up on me.
"Trev?" I repeated and I walked into the bedroom. He wasn't in the bed, but the bathroom door was shut.
"Trevor?" I asked and knocked on the door. There was no response.
"Trevor?!" I asked and I tried to open the door but it was locked.
"Trev!" I screamed and cooper whined and scratched at the door. It opened and trev was standing there with his briefs on and nothing else. He looked completely drained.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"What?" He asked.
"What are you doing? Why was the door locked? Why weren't you replying?" I asked and he shook his head and walked past me.
"Trev, don't ignore me." I said.
"I'm not ignoring you. Im going to pass out." He said.
"Why?" I asked.
"I took medicine." He said.
"You don't feel good?" I asked.
"No-I took medicine. I took the medicine in the pill bottles in the drawers." He slurred and I followed him and he collapsed to the floor.
"Trevor." I said softly and I knelt down next to him and pulled him up against the end of our bed.
"Trevor. Keep your eyes open. Look at me-" I paused and I glanced down at my phone as I called 911, but also kept looking to him and getting his eyes on mine. I didn't want him to close his eyes. I quickly explained to the dispatcher what was going on and they said they'd have someone out immediately.
"Bailey, I'm so sorry." He said.
"You're going to be fine. I knew I shouldn't have left you today. I knew I should have stayed with you." I said and he shook his head. He kept going in and out of consciousness.
"Bailey, this isn't your fault. Me not being happy isn't your fault. I don't want you to have guilt on yourself for me dying." He said and I had tears in my eyes as I cupped his cheeks and shook my head.
"You aren't dying-"
"I want to." He said.
"No-no-thats so selfish. You have Dak. You have me. You have our unborn baby. I can't go through that alone." I cried and he nodded.
"You can. I left you everything I have. I left you every cent to my name. I made a will-I left you a note." He slurred and he started drooling.
"What are you doing?" I asked and he leaned to the side and he froze as he held himself up with his arms and I put my hand on his side.
"Trevor, stop. You're scaring me. Help is on the way please just talk to me." I said and foam started to come out of his mouth. He collapsed to the ground and he started to have a seizure. My eyes softened and I held his head and body as close as I could. I held him on his side and I was screaming for help.
"Shit." I heard my dad say behind me and he ran beside me.
"What happened?" He asked as he helped me and I was literally bawling my eyes out and screaming his name.
"Bailey, what did he take?" He asked.
"I-I-I-dont know." I sobbed. His body started to relax and he laid on the floor. He threw up and laid lifelessly. He was still breathing, but he looked so lifeless.
"Trevor." I cried and I wiped under my eyes.
"Did you call the police?" My dad asked and I nodded and gasped for air to breathe from how hard I was sobbing.
"I can't lose him." I cried.
"You won't." My dad said and I heard sirens from a distance on my street. My dad got up and left me with him and he got the police inside. I was on the floor with him and when the paramedics came in to get him on his way to the hospital, the police had to pull me up and hold me away from him. I was screaming at the top of my lungs for him to wake up and he wouldn't. The paramedics kept saying he didn't have a pulse and I couldn't stop crying.
"Trevor!" I screamed as the police held me back and I realized chase was one of the officers holding me.
"Chase. Let me go." I cried and he shook his head. He had tears in his eyes too.
"I'll make sure you get to the hospital with him. You can't go in the ambulance with him. He's not alright. I don't want you in there." He said.
"I need to be there for him!" I screamed and I hit him. I hit multiple officers and broke away from them and they ran after me as I ran out the house. I ran to the ambulance and climbed into the back. The paramedics and EMTs told me to get out as they were working on him and I was begging them to make sure he was okay.
"Ma'am, you need to get out." A paramedic said to me.
"That's my husband!" I screamed and cried and chase grabbed me out of the ambulance and he pulled me up and over his shoulder.
"They can't properly work on him if you're in their way. Listen to them god dammit. I'll drive with them to the hospital and give you an escort." He said.
"I need to be there." I cried and he shook his head.
"I need to be there!" I repeated as he put me in the back of his cop car and cuffed me.
"Get me out of here!" I yelled with all the windows up in the car and it echoed throughout the car.
"Get me the hell out!" I screamed again and I was having a panic attack. I couldn't breathe from how hard I was crying from it and I kept gasping for air. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt and I wanted to just hold him. That's all I wanted.
* * *
I was in the hospital waiting room after chase escorted me to it and he was sitting with me in the waiting room. Along with every. Single. Officer. In our city. It was completely full, and somehow my dad managed to find someone to watch Dak so he could be with me. That was the worst part. Dak was there when my dad got there. He had probably heard me screaming and had no clue what was going on. I felt horrible.
Nurses kept coming out every hour or so giving us little updates like he was stable, then he wasn't, then he wasn't and it continued. He apparently overdosed on pain meds and anxiety medicine, along with having a high amount of cocaine in his system. Every officer was still there for him. Even if he fucked up, everyone made sure they weren't leaving until they got the final answer. I was terrified the final answer wasn't going to be good.
"Can I have the immediate family please?" I heard a nurse say and I looked up at her. I slowly got up and I felt weak. My entire body felt week. I didn't have a good feeling.
"Are you Bailey?" She asked as she brought me away from everyone and into a private room.
"Yeah." I said.
"Okay." She nodded and she showed me charts of his.
"Trevor is stable. He will be stable from now on. We managed to use a medication we have here to keep the drugs in his stomach and we managed to flush out most of the drugs in his system. He still may be effected by the drugs he had taken, his liver may be definitely damaged as well down the line, but he is okay. He's very weak. We lost him 4 times and had to bring him back. It might be best to let him rest for the night. We don't want to bring anyone in there right now with him, and he probably won't even wake up until tomorrow sometime. He's in a temporary coma. It's impossible for us to know right now if he will know a lot of what happened, but hopefully he does. He's got one hell of a team behind him." She said to me and motioned to the officers all sitting in the waiting room through the window.
"We have another one joining that support system soon. I am so happy you worked as hard as you could on him." I said and motioned to my belly.
"No problem sweetheart. You deserve rest." She said.
"Is he going to be able to come home?" I asked.
"He will have to go to a rehab for a little. Probably weeks. He's been having problems with his thoughts a lot hasn't he? I know this isn't the first time... we're going to make sure he gets the help that he needs." She said.
"Thank you." I said and she nodded. She asked if she could hug me, and I let her. It felt good to have her care so much genuinely. A lot of hospital workers would have treated him like any other patient, but she made me feel like he was the only patient in the hospital.
"Thank you so much." I said softly.
"It's my job to keep people healthy." She said.
We slowly pulled away from each other. I turned and went back out to the waiting room where my dad was waiting for me and I just started crying and wrapped my arms around him.
"What happened?" He asked,
"He's okay." I cried and he rubbed my back.
"He's okay?" I heard one of the officers ask and I nodded. My dad confirmed to everyone that he was and chase went to me and hugged me. I held him tightly and he held the back on my head against his chest.
"He's okay." He said.
"I know." I cried and he rested his chin on the top of my head. He was my entire world and everytime something happened to me if felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest. He didn't realize how much I loved him and needed him and it was so selfish. I was pregnant with his baby and he still wanted to not be with me.
* * *
After a lot of the guys left once they saw Trevor and knew he was okay, I was the last one left in the waiting room. The entire force visited him and talked to him, and I didn't. I didn't want to see him at first. I knew I'd break down, but as I sat there I started to get mad at him and I didn't want to be mad at him when going in to see him because I loved him. I didn't want to make him even more upset.
My dad came out after seeing him and he sat down next to me and put his hand on my arm.
"He wants to apologize." He said and I looked down at my lap and shook my head.
"He can't apologize for this-this is why I don't want to see him. I'm so angry at him but I don't want to make him even more upset than he already was." I said and my dad nodded.
"I told him how it was when I went in there." He said.
"What?" I asked.
"I told him how it was. He pissed me off." He said.
"Dad-he just got hospitalized for trying to commit suicide because he's unhappy and-"
"He's unhappy because he can't do his career. He shouldn't be killing himself because he can't be a cop. Not because of you being mad at him. He's just a selfish dickhead that needs to see what he has and accept it." He said and I wiped underneath my eyes with a tissue and he shook his head.
"I know you're upset. Trevor is just an idiot but he'll be fine. He's going to get help and hopefully all of this bullshit will be done. I'm tired of his games, Bailey. I don't understand how you're still with him. If you feel trapped because you don't want to hurt him-"
"Dad, I married Trevor for a reason. No matter what he's going through or what I'm going through-I love him. I love him with literally everything in me. I don't feel trapped with him at all. I'm still here because I know who I fell in love with and I'm waiting for him to get back to who he was. He was close to it for a while. Time will make things better." I said.
"Okay." He said.
"I'm going to see him." I said and got up. He sighed and I walked down the hall to his room that I watched everyone else walk into. A nurse stopped me before I could go in.
"Ma'am, visiting hours are over and he had a lot of visitors today. He needs rest." She said.
"That's my husband. I'm seeing him if I want to fucking see him." I mumbled and I walked in. I shut the door behind me quietly and I turned around to see Trev looking up at me with a soft look.
"Bails." He said softly. I went to him and sat down on the edge of his bed and he put his hand on my side.
"I'm sorry." He said and I took his hand away from me.
"Don't touch me. Not right now." I said.
"No-Bailey I'm sorry. Please." He said and he put his hand on me again and I tried to push it off of me but he grabbed me and he pulled me down next to him. I couldn't even fight it. I just started crying. He held me against his chest and I held him tightly.
"Why do you keep doing this to me?!" I cried and he didn't say anything and just held me.
"Trevor. Please. Please. Please. Stop. Just stop with the quietness and not telling me how you feel!" I cried and he nodded and kissed my temple.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I put you through hell constantly. I just wanted it to work so I could fucking relieve you of some type of stress and so I could stop thinking. I don't want to think about shit anymore. If I could only care about you, Dak, and our baby I would. I just have so much other in my head that doesn't turn off." He said.
"Like What Trevor?" I asked as I cried.
"I broke me being sober weeks ago. Maybe a month now. That didn't make me feel any better. Along with me literally getting injured everyday at work. You don't understand how bad I just wanted to be a cop my entire childhood and throughout high school and I'm finally here and I can't do it." He said.
"Trevor, shit happens. You don't try and kill yourself because of a job. Sometimes you really don't think. I have a baby on the way. We have Dak. We have so much together. How fucking bad is it? Do you really want to end it because of something so stupid? Something you could easily redo?" I asked.
"I never wanted to end us. I-"
"Well you killing yourself would have ended us, wouldn't it have?" I asked.
"I know but I love you. Did you read the note I left on the bed? I explained everything-I don't want you to read it now that I'm alive." He said and I narrowed my eyes.
"What?" I asked and he sighed.
"I wanted to undo taking the pills and everything else as soon as I did it. It took me an hour just to take the medicine out of the cabinet and put in on the bathroom sink. I didn't just try and kill myself because of an injury-yeah I've been upset over it because I know I'm done with my career-but I relapsed again. I've been using a lot lately and it's getting worse and I didn't want to go back to rehab. I didn't want to leave you with the baby and I got overwhelmed because I know how I get when I'm high and I was scared I would hurt you. I thought you'd notice and we'd argue and I didn't want to argue-a lot has been going on in my mind Bailey. So much. I don't even know how to explain to you my reasoning. I'm sorry. It was selfish and dumb." He said.
"Trevor, I don't want to fight with you either, I don't want you doing stupid things-but I would have helped you. I'm tired of fighting and you were scared to leave me with the baby if you went to rehab, but you dying would have been leaving me forever with the baby. It just doesn't make sense." I said.
"I don't know. I really don't know. I was planning on doing this yesterday but you stayed home with me." He said and I ran my fingers through my hair.
"Sorry for interrupting you and saving your life for an extra day." I mumbled and he nodded.
"Thanks. Apology accepted." He said and I rolled my eyes.
"I'll never understand you, Trevor." I said.
"I'll never understand myself. I don't know what else you want me to explain. I'm just not happy. I'm happy with you and our kids-I'm just not happy myself." He said.
"I don't know how you haven't died yet. I never want you to. I want you alive forever, but you have died so many times and have been brought back yet you're still the same idiot I married." I said.
"Of course I am. I haven't changed one bit." He said and I kissed him.
"Please. Please do this rehab and never go back. I need you here. Our kids need you here. I can't do this by myself." I said as I cupped his cheek and he nodded with tears in his eyes.
"I don't deserve what I have." He said.
"You deserve everything. Please don't say that." I said.
"I'm not happy, Bailey." He said.
"And you're going to get help for what you're not happy about-"
"It won't work. Nothing does." He said.
"So what now? You're alive. You're here with me. Are you going to try and end it again?" I asked and he shrugged.
"I don't know." He said.
"Yes you do." I said.
"I don't." He said.
"You knew the first time you tried you'd try again. Just like you did this time, you know you'll try again-"
"I don't fucking know. I don't just plan when I want to die." He said and I sat up.
"Sometimes I really cant talk to you." I said.
"I was dead three hours ago. You might not want to take talking to me for granted. I'll be gone one day and I won't be here to talk to." He said and I smacked him. He clenched his jaw and his heart monitor started to get faster and louder and I looked up at it. I felt bad as soon as I did it, and he even got nervous with his heart rate going up.
"Just lay here with me. I'm sorry." He said.
"You need help, Trevor. You need serious help. I love you so fucking much and I'm trying to understand and help you, but you hide this and you need to stop. I really, really, really need you to open up and get help. Not just for how you feel but how your moods change so easily. It's not normal. I've come to get used to it a lot more recently, but I still know it's a problem." I said and he nodded.
"I know." He said.
"I shouldn't get used to my husband wanting to not live." I said and he drug his hands down his face.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"I'm sure." I said and he grabbed my hand.
"I am sorry." He said.
"No you're not." I said.
"Bailey-"
"Trevor I'm just upset. I'm disappointed. I'm angry. I'm confused. I knew you were acting different but you don't tell me things at all. You don't explain things to me. You don't communicate with me on how you feel, so how am I supposed to know?" I asked.
"I don't really want to tell my pregnant wife that I don't want to live." He said.
"But you want to try and attempt to kill yourself while I'm pregnant?" I asked.
"I can't explain it to you." He said.
"Okay." I mumbled and he sighed.
"I am sorry. I just don't know how to explain my thought process to you without you getting irritated." He said.
"Don't blame me." I said.
"I'm done talking about this, Bailey." He said.
"That's the problem." I said.
"Then let it be the problem. I'm done."