Those Angry Blonde Curls by @itslolare
Brilliant start - there was character development within the first paragraph!!
I think you should end that first bit as a prologue like where I suggested.
Comma splices were a big problem. I don't think I commented on all of them but be mindful as two sentences joined with a comma is not a good idea.
Commas before names.
Dialogue was sometimes wrongly formatted. You need a comma and then the dialogue tag needs to be in lower case.
Brackets about the names of the characters don't need to be there.
Keep the story in past tense since that is what it's in.
Apostrophes of possession were sometimes not there.
You need commas to split clauses.
Sentences need full stops at the end of them and capitals at the start. Even. One. Word. Sentences. :)
Some spelling errors such as:
Payed - paid
Layed - laid
Basic grammar was sometimes off (you still need a full stop after a bracket.)
Drew was so nice it hurt.
Fragments and run-ons were very prominent. Use commas instead.
Colloquial language is OK but if you use too much then it can spoil the mood.
Blonde=girl
Blond=boy
Thoughts should be in italics.
Overall, a great story with high tension and great characters and realistic chat. Great!
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