Demonic by -Skittish
This started brilliantly - you introduced the world immediately which was great.
When writing stuttering, a lot of people write repeating letters. But in real life this isn't really the case. It sounds better to have repeating words instead. For example.
"I'm s-so s-s-sorryy," stuttered Linda.
This is okay. But I would do it like this:
"I'm... I'm. I'm so sorry," stuttered Linda.
Having apostrophes of possession was a big problem. For example you had things like 'fathers' when you meant 'father's.' I commented on most of these for you but I would certainly go back and check the entire document.
Their=belonging to them
There=not here
They're=they are
Thoughts should be in italics.
I thought the plot was excellent - it was certainly a very original idea.
You had very small spelling errors (such as 'flys' instead of 'flies'.)
When writing dialogue and there's an action and not a dialogue tag, you need a full stop not a comma.
Commas before names.
In some places (especially description) you needed a comma to split a clause but you put a full stop in instead.
Overall, an intriguing story with great plot and good character development.
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