I push through the doors of the hotel and walk into the lobby. I hadn't expected Chris to reply to the next message I sent him, stating that I apologised for sending him a message after too much wine. It picked up from there, and now here I am a week later - in a New York hotel where he's staying while he 's been doing some interviews and promotion for his latest film. He invited me to come meet with him again, so that we could talk face to face.
I couldn't be shitting my pants any more than I am now.
I shouldn't be nervous. This is Chris. I know him - at least, I still think that I do.
Getting the room number, I head up to the floor his room is on and eventually come to a stop outside of the door, hesitating as I go to knock.
Should I be doing this?
Is this even a good idea?
I'm here now, so I may as well bite the bullet and finally face him.
Knocking on the door, I hear some movement from inside before it opens and he's right there in front of me. I can't breathe for the moment that I take him in. He's more gorgeous than I remember him to be.
"Hi Lola..." He smiles as he now embraces me tightly.
And I don't want to let go.
It feels like we've never been apart, that we've only been gone for a day or so. The familarity of him is still here. Now I find myself sobbing into him.
"Hey, c'mon - have I really disappointed you that much?" He chuckles as he strokes my hair and then pulls away so he can look at me.
I wipe my eyes, feeling rather stupid that the first thing I've done is cry in front of him. "Sorry, I just...I can't believe I'm actually seeing you again". I say as he shows me inside and closes the door. "It's been a while".
"Ten years right?"He asks and I nod. "You don't look like you've actually aged a day".
I smirk. "Thirty three is still kinda young I suppose".
He gestures for me to sit down and he takes the chair opposite mine. "Thanks for coming to meet with me".
"I didn't think you'd want to after the stuff that happened. I didn't think you'd actually reply to my drunk message I sent, which, once again I'm sorry about".
He shrugs it off "Hey, you said yourself you were on a spiral. We've all drunk messaged someone". Now he looks at me. "Did you reply to the email?"
I shake my head. "Not yet, kinda being a chicken about it".
"I still think you should do it, you loved being on stage".
"I loved you more..." I glance down at my lap and toy with my fingers. "I'm sorry for everything I said...I blamed you when it wasn't you that was the problem. It was me and not knowing what I wanted...and in the end I chose wrong anyway".
He smiles lightly. "You chose the safe option. You didn't know if we'd work out, and with our schedules? It looked uncertain anyway".
"Still doesn't make up for everything though. I listened to the wrong people when really I should've listened to myself".
"Lola, I wouldn't have wanted you to give up your career for me. If you had and we hadn't have worked out then what would you have done? Ok, we were both busy and it was clear that cracks were starting to show, but what did we expect when agreeing to try long distance? I'm just sorry that I couldn't come and see you as much as I'd have wanted to. You were always the one back and forth from here to the UK".
I nod but still don't look at him. "Would've been nice to think that we could have worked out though..."
He's had his fair share of relationships, I've had a couple - my last ending just a couple of years ago, right after I'd had my daughter. I thought that relationship would last, but then the bastard left when Bella was just two weeks old and I've wanted nothing to do with him since.
Chris's voice brings me back round to reality again. "What's to say that we can't?"
I look up at him, "I now come with baggage".
He smirks. "Don't we all. Look, have dinner with me tonight - we can talk more, unless you have other plans, in which case we can always arrange another day".
"I have a daughter..." the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. "Just so that you know...she's two - I'm not married or anything though. Just been us since she was two weeks old..."
"What's her name?"
"Bella"
He nods in thought before he replies. "Can I meet her?"
This could go either way, good or bad. But there's only one way to find out...
"Ok".