Secrets, Deals and Lies

Chapter 15 - Promises are Made To Be Broken, and Lies are made to be unraveled

‘You know what? I’m sick of your sorry’s and promises! I’m sick of everything you say because it’s all just a lie! I’m sick of you! To be honest you are a nice person – there I said it! But you know what? Maybe your whole nice part of you is all a lie too; you do and say nice things just to use people! I hate it! I hate you!’ I screamed my face hot and wet from tears.

Why am I crying? Why am I crying after all that I’ve said? Do I really hate him that much? Do I want to hate him this much?

I go to move around him and try to push past him but he stops me by grabbing both my shoulders and pushing me against the wall gently beside the door. For a moment I stopped breathing but my heart was thumping so fast. It was all going to happen again, I thought wanting to throw up at the previous memories.

I cried even more and looked away at the blurry open door beside me. ‘Remy… Remy stop crying I’m not going to hurt you. I just… please Remy just don’t cry. I… I know you hate me and want me to go away but just don’t cry okay? Please.’ He begs sounding even more tired and miserable than I felt altogether. I look back at him and saw his eyes were teary but no tears came out, or maybe it was just my tears that made everything look like that?

I finally stopped sobbing and tried to shrug Billy’s hands off my shoulders but even though they were gentle and soft he had a firm hold and wouldn’t let go. Before I knew it Billy had his head on my shoulder and his body turned all limp and exhausted all of a sudden. My heart raced fast again but for some reason I didn't move, I felt frozen to the spot and just couldn’t move. I didn't even try to push or shove him off and instead I just stood there.

His body wasn’t close to mine at all and it was only his head and hands that were in contact with me. His hands slid down a little and he was now holding my elbows and I didn’t even notice him move a little closer.

He takes his head off my shoulder and holds my gaze softly still holding onto the back of my elbows, ‘Remy, I’m… I’m sorry… For everything.’ He says softly his voice true and sincere and for a long moment I actually forgave and felt sorry for him.

I sigh exhaustedly as if finally giving in and accepting his apology. But even if I accepted it, it still didn't mean I didn’t hate him. ‘Just… whatever,’ I say looking away and at the door again. I look back and find Billy smiling at me lopsidedly, he moves toward me and before I knew it he embraced me in a gentle hug, I could barely feel him because he was barely even holding me. It was as if I was a piece of glass about to break and shatter into pieces in his arms, but it was weird because that’s exactly how I felt. I tried to even out my breathing a little but it came out all wobbly, everything went all blurry and I soon realised I was crying again.

Billy tightened his grip around me a little but not too much until finally I wrapped my arms around him too and cried into his chest, his body keeping me partly warm as I felt the coldness seeping into my pyjamas.

Once again I was somewhere I didn’t want to be. How could I be hugging someone and crying into their arms after I just told them how much I hated them? How did I forgive him all of a sudden? Why was I okay with Billy’s arms around me?

‘I’m sorry,’ he says once again. But I didn't care about sorry’s anymore cos I no longer found comfort or truth in them; I no longer cared about anything anyone says.

I pull away from Billy no longer crying before looking at him for a long moment. ‘You’re still upset with me aren’t you?’ he asks running a hand through his hair and holding my gaze as usual again, I nod without a word before turning to the door. ‘Wait,’ he says stopping me before I could take a step, ‘there was something else I had to tell you.’  He sounded serious and looked at me for a long time before I finally chose to listen.

We sit on my bed facing the door before Billy at last took a deep breath and started talking. ‘My Dad… he kicked me out, so I’m leaving and never coming back.’ I give him a questioning look not knowing why he wanted to tell me this so badly and all of a sudden. ‘I’m going across the country and starting over from there. He’s giving me some money and said I’m never allowed to return no matter what. Not even you can do anything about it.’

I look away as if saying “why would I want to stop him?”

He sighs hesitantly, ‘there's other things I wanted to tell you too; about why you’re here, what Nick’s doing and where he is.’ This got my attention immediately and I looked at him waiting.

‘You know things? And… and you’re going to tell me?’ I ask feeling myself practically glowing. ‘Yeah; I figured I’ve put you through enough and since I'm leaving and never going to see you or anyone else again I might as well tell you everything I know. Just promise me you won't tell anyone I told you any of this okay? And I’m serious; I could get killed for spilling anything, even to you.’ He says looking more serious than I’ve ever seen him, it made my hairs stand and my heart beat faster. ‘I promise,’ I say quietly searching his face.

Then just like that. He told me everything.