❦𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐫𝐯𝐚 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐫❦【 DreamSMP // Technoblade 】

❦One Hundred Thirteen❦

[TW! nsfw. Not extremely detailed but its there.]

[Also! When this was originally posted there was a copy error with quotation marks! This error is now resolved, but if you see format errors don't hesitate to point them out ! (:]

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"As we stand here now, hand in hand, so once was this and so once were we."
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I was holding hope in my hands.

I used to think hope was a useless and flightless thing. It would never go anywhere and it would be nothing if not a hinderance. 'Hope would bring me down' I could remember thinking. It would tie to my ankle like an anchor, heartless and heavy. Hope would give me something to latch onto akin to a weight, wingless and without strength.

I now know hope is warm.

It sat in my palms like a small flame, wings on fire yet calm. Drowning yet smiling all the same. It was bent and broken beyond repair, just like hope implies it will always be.

Because hope means you give your everything to nothing. You wait for something you know may never arrive, and if it does it will already be dead and shot out of the sky.

Yet you cling onto that chance. The chance that your hope will be fulfilling. That instead of leaving you grounded it will take your hand and show you everything you wished to become and will ever be.

I swore off hope so long ago. I saw its flames and I saw its weight. I wrote it off as something Id never need nor want. I knew the last thing I ever wanted was to be burned. I learned that lesson one too many times before with things like comfort and love. That if you let yourself slip away too far you'll find yourself grounded and lost.

Yet with hope in my hands, I realized I had been holding it close to my chest all along.

And never once had it burned.

I had been hoping all this time. For what exactly? I couldn't quite say. But whatever it was I knew it had arrived. It had arrived in the form of calloused hands cupping my face and warm lips against mine. Hushed words of explanation that made warm tears slide down my face in the best and worst ways possible.

It was like pieces of me I didnt even know were missing suddenly had been returned in perfect conditions.

"Sometimes I feel dead." I admitted it like it was a sin, something that would burn to hold and hurt to hear. Words shaking and barely slurred after they left my lips to join the tension between Technoblade and I. It wasnt a bad tension, but it wasnt something to scoff at.

" I think I died a long time ago." He admitted it just the same, and the quiet words somehow struck a chord I didnt know I contained just like those missing now found pieces. Pieces of me were being revealed second by second with each word that managed to leave him. So I was silent, I had nothing I could feasibly put together to speak.

"Each time you died I think part of me died with you."

That made it worse, to hear the God I had been destined to love utter those words and know somehow I had something to do with it. I realized what we were, two halves of something shattered, glued back together with shaking hands. Something broken he never knew he'd have to burden himself with the responsibility of. He'd have no idea how to put them back together time and time again, it was trial and error over centuries of confusion and heartbreak I didn't think I could handle.

So how he's carrying it on his own I don't know and I don't think I could understand. "Im sorry." What else could I say? There isnt an apology I could conjure up. Something I could think of to make it better.