❦𝐒𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐓𝐨𝐫𝐯𝐚 𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐨𝐫❦【 DreamSMP // Technoblade 】

❦Sixty❦

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"It's time to leave again. Time to forget you ever existed. And time to forget you ever loved me. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything is alright, I swear everything is alright.

It's alright that I'm getting constant praise, it's alright that I'm okay with Eret hugging me, it's alright that I'm suddenly okay with talking about my emotions to him.

It's alright that he sleeps in bed with me every night, it's alright that his room is basically mine too now, it's alright that I don't feel comfortable without knowing where he is, and it's definitely alright that he makes my face flush.

It's alright.

"Tor, I was thinking about adopting Fundy."

I was leaning against him on our couch, somewhat watching the fire as I read. My legs resting over his, and his arm wrapped around my waist tugging me close. It was a comfortable silence, Eret looking over my shoulder and occasionally reading along with me; pointing at a sentence and asking for more explanation. Jokingly scolding me for flipping the pages too fast for him to read all the words. The castle was nice, having all of these things back.

And then he shattered it.

And I despised the way I liked the idea, I despised the way he was touching me, I despised the way I was happy, I despised the way that I was so comfortable with this.

Nothing is alright.

I hate that I've let him get this close.

I hate that I've allowed myself to feel this way.

The Grim Reaper cannot feel this way towards someone.

And so I closed my book with vigor, not bothering to keep the page.

Eret's concerned voice was shrouded in fuzz as my thoughts began collapsing on themselves. Confusion riddled with emotions clashing, feelings I hadn't experienced in over a decade; and things I never wanted to feel again. Warning lights flashing- no, screaming that I'm stupid, Ive let myself be carefree for far too long.

You've let yourself be happy again.

You've let yourself laugh again.

You've let someone have power over you again.

You've given part of yourself to someone again.

I went to stand up and Eret grabbed my wrist.
The touch burned, and it somehow felt warm and inviting; and at the same time pins and needles stabbing into my wrist.

Absolutely nothing was okay.

I snapped my wrist away from his hold; it almost felt like a sin to do so.

But- but that's fine. My existence must be a sin at this point; what's another to the list?

"Torva talk to me!" Eret managed to scream above the ringing in my ears, the fuzz clogging my brain and the emotions creating a harsh wind I couldn't quite pick up on.

It was when he snapped me back I realized I was hyperventilating.

I do not hyperventilate, that means I feel upset.

The Grim Reaper does not feel upset.

I'm the Grim Reaper.

"I don't see how it's a bad idea." Eret said, placing a hand on my shoulder.

He took a step back when I flinched from the touch.

What the fuck is happening to me? Why am I feeling this way? Why do I like him. Why do I feel safe with someone? I don't have roots, I don't have somewhere I've ever actually considered home before this. Everything else has just been a 'base'.