Authors note: Sorry for the long wait once again! But guys!!! I did it! I finally graduated high school! I'm finally free but then college is here which means I'm official an adult which fucking sucks because nobody wants to be an adult. I want to be 9 years old forever, but sadly, we can't because life is a piece of shitty butthole but we have to love it, we have no choice. wow see. college is already turning me into a deep ass bitch. That's also another reason for my MIA. I just became a very sad person who looks at every negative thing in life when i should focus on the positive but, i have difficult time doing so. I'm thinking of creating a short book where i put my sad thoughts into? If you think you're interested then leave a comment and tell me, if not, then that's fine it's not even official. I just want to be able to share my thoughts and interact with people who feel the same so I know that i am not alone because it totally feels like i am so yeah.
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IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE VERY END OF THIS CHAPTER, PLEASE READ THE AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END WHERE I WILL BE EXPLAINING IT.
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Wednesday, March 15, 2017-
I inserted my spare of the key to the house into the keyhole. As soon as I walked in, I was greeted by Burnie and Charlie happily and patiently waiting for me by the door. They were both seated on their bottoms at the from on the door, both of their tails happily wagging side to side, hitting each other but they both were distracted by me walking inside.
"Hey, buddies!" I pushed the front door close with my foot, falling down to my knees opening my arms to welcome them to attack me with their loving kisses. I began giggling uncontrollably when they were both licking every inch of my face non-stop. My giggles were echoing the house, I couldn't stop giggling causing my chest to start aching again. Then I automatically stopped giggling, pushing the two dogs away from me and ran to the kitchen while coughing. I felt like I was choking, like someone was forcing their weight on top of my chest making me have a very hard time to breathe. Burnie and Charlie followed me towards the kitchen with concerned in their eyes. They sat on their bottoms behind me, tilting their head to the side and watched me jumped up to reach for my inhaler at the very top of the cabinet. I couldn't reach it. The harder and higher I tried to jump to reach it, the harder for me to breathe and louder I cough.
"Baby! Baby!" Matthew ran out of the bathroom with nothing but his towel around his waist and his hair still wet. He gently moved me aside and reached up for my inhaler, he gave it to me and watched me take two puffs of it. Seconds later, my coughing calmed down and I was able to breathe again. "Fuck, you scared me!" He exhaled, running his fingers through his wet hair making droplets of water fall onto his skin and the floor.
"Me.. too.." I panted. He looked at me worriedly before pulling me into a hug. The fact that he was dripping wet and he just pulled me to hug him doesn't bother me at all. I was just glad that he was there to save me. i couldn't imagine how it would have been if he wasn't here. Not to sound over-dramatic, but would I still be alive if he wasn't here?
"Are you sure your doctor hasn't contacted you yet? Tell you your results?" I closed my eyes and shook my head, completely lying to him. "Don't we need to try to contact him then? Ask him in person?" I shook my head again.
"No, it's okay. We'll just wait. I'm sure he has a lot of patients to take care of. We'll just be patient, okay? don't worry." I pulled away, cupping his chubby cheeks that I love very much. I stared into his hazel eyes, that I'll love. His eyes always finds a way to comfort me and calm me down.
"But, shortie! We've been waiting for a month now! I'm pretty sure doctors are suppose to give their patients their results in like a week, not a fucking month!" He groaned.
"I know, Matty. I know, but please, I'm waiting too." I went to walk away from the kitchen to our bedroom to find some clean clothes to change into after taking a shower, but his words stopped me.
"Do you know how scary it is?" He paused. "I'm scared shitless almost every fucking day of my life ever since this has been happening. You're scaring me, Jannalyn. I want to be able to help and make you feel better, but it's like you don't want me to. What we need to do is go down there and demand to tell us your results!" My breath hitched. "I'm scared." He blinked his tears away.
"Why are you scared? There's nothing to be scared of, Matt. I'm going to be fine, I promise." Even I knew I wasn't going to be fine.
"I'm scared of losing you..." I gulped. "Aren't you scared too? You should be scared, for god's sake!" I flinched when his voice raised. "What's going to happen if I wasn't here to reach for you inhaler, Jannalyn? Would you still be breathing right now?" A teardrop fell on the apples of my cheeks. "No, baby. No, baby you wouldn't and that fucking scares me." I turned around to the scared helpless boy who loved me as much as I loved him.
"Don't act like I'm going to end up leaving you, Matthew." I told him. He glanced down at the floor blinking before glancing back up at me letting a few teardrops escape the corner of his eyes and roll down his cheeks.
"Then please explain to me why it feels like it?" He crossed his arms, sniffing.
"But I'm not, I promise." I walked over to him, cupping both of his cheeks wiping his tears away. "I love you and I promise that I'll never ever leave you." He sniffed, slowly nodding. He pulled me close to his chest again and just held me while silently crying.
"I want you to go to the doctors tomorrow and ask them for your results." I heartbeat fastened. "And I'm going to be by your side the whole time." He took both of my hands and intertwined them together with his. "okay?" i just nodded. "I love you so damn much." I muttered it back. i was too distracted by thinking about what his reaction will be when they tell us my result which I already knew this whole time. I was just afraid to tell him. I was afraid that I'll lose him.
"Shit," I heard him whisper. "I'm suppose to be leaving in like five minutes." He said. "I'm gonna go change then I'll leave. I'll see you later tonight? I'll cook us dinner." He would be able to tell that there was something wrong with me if I just nod at him, so I tried to act normal as I could.
"Cooking us dinner, huh? That's new." I teased him, he smiled at me in return giving me a small smack on my behind. "Remind me to order pizza while you're at it." I joked. "Ow!" He smacked me even harder. He just smirked at me and gave me wink before running out of the kitchen before I would kill him with my bare hands.
I walked over to the bathroom, my smile dropping to the floor. I stared at myself in the mirror. Before I end up having another breakdown like those last few nights, I quickly got in the shower. I cursed at myself for forgetting to grab some clean clothes before getting in the shower. Nobody is going to be home anyways. I continued with my shower, pushing away the thoughts of what Matthew told me. He was afraid of losing me when I was afraid of losing him too.
I had no idea that at the end of that day, both of us are going to end up losing each other.
After my shower, I wrapped the towel around my damp body. I dried my hair and body before walking out. It had been like fifteen minutes since I got in the shower. Matthew told me that he was leaving but I was confused when I saw him sitting on the couch with wet cheeks and tears still rolling down his eyes. I slowly walked up to him but his eyes didn't glance at me, he was staring at the home phone. I was about to ask him what was wrong with him but the voicemail coming from the home phone cut me off. When I heard the familiar voice, my breath hitched and that's when Matthew's eyes fell upon me watching my reaction.
"His This is Doctor Andres, Doctor of Miss Jannalyn. I made this call because I wasn't so sure if you got my emails about your results. I tried to contact you by calling you but it led me to so many voicemails. This was my only choice. I'm sorry, Miss, but your results came back and you diagnosed lung cancer-"
The voicemail was cut of by Matthew throwing a lamp at it causing it to fall onto the ground. i flinched at his actions but he had every right to be this angry at me. I looked at me and he was furious. He was staring at me with hurt, and anger in his eyes.
"Tell me that this is just some stupid fucking prank!" He punched the wall. "Tell me that this is just a prank and that you hired someone to call our phone and pretend that-" He sobbed. He was rambling demanding me to tell him that it was just a prank to get him.
"It's not a prank," I sobbed with him falling down to my knees. I crawled towards him to hold him but he roughly pushed me away and continued sobbing.
"Then they probably have the wrong number, right?! Maybe there's another Jannalyn! It's a very unique name, but how would we know? We should call them back and tell them they have the wrong number! Because they do!" He tried to laugh at it. I just sat in front of him, crying shaking my head at him. He just sat there coming up with excuses. He went to grab the phone and start dialing the number but I took it from his hands. When his eyes met mine, he fell to the floor again. "Tell me that it isn't true. Tell me that you're not leaving me. Tell me that you're not going to die. Tell me that you're not sick and that it's just a cold or a flu-"
"Matthew, I have lung cancer." I watched him but his bottom lips as hard as he could.
"Why did you keep this secret from me? From your own boyfriend?" I couldn't answer him. I was too afraid to speak. I was afraid to hurt him, but I didn't know that I already did. "Fucking answer me!" He jolted up pushing all the decorations we had on the table and kicked it down. "Why did you keep it a secret? What were you so afraid of?!"
"I was afraid of telling you because I didn't want to hurt you!" I stood up and faced him.
"You think that keeping it a secret wouldn't hurt me at all?" He clenched his jaw. "Who else knows?"
"No one! I couldn't tell anyone!" I sobbed.
"Wha- You should've told me! We would've got some help and get a cure!" I shook my head.
"That's the thing, Matthew. There's no cure." I sobbed.
"There has to be a fucking cure! There's always a cure for everything!" He argued.
"Yeah, well not for me, alright? There's nothing that's going to help me fucking live! I'm going to fucking die and you need to accept that."
"No, baby, I can't just accept the fact that my favorite person is leaving me!"
"Well, it's going to happen, alright? There's nothing you can do." He shook his head. "If you walk out the door and leave me, I wouldn't blame you. I would do the same thing. Like who wants to date a girl that's going to die, right?" The tears continuously rolled down my red wet cheeks.
"There's not a chance that I'm leaving you just because you're- sick. I'm going to be by your side this whole time and i'll make sure that we beat that cancer's ass together. I'm not leaving your side ever, I promise. I'm not leaving you as long as you don't leave me too." I nodded. "Promise me."
"I promise." He hugged me, kissing me on the forehead. "I love you.." I told him.
"I love you too, baby."
Matthew's point of sad ass view:
Wednesday, April 5, 2017-
Then everything clicked.
I opened my eyed finding myself in a room of the Hospital. It took me a second to realize that I was in Jannalyn's hospital room that she spent the whole month in before my eyes fell upon her helpless body on the bed. Then all of my memories came back, reminding me exactly how I got here in the first place.
I was at home, standing in front of a mirror. I was nervous. I tried to dress my best for her. I put on my tux, the one she loved on me. I knew she was going to ask why I was all dressed up then that was my cue to get down on my knee and asked her to marry me. My plans changed when I earned an incoming call from the hospital. I hope the call was just to tell me that they were going to move her into a different room like what happened before, but it wasn't.
"Mr. Espinosa?" I answered.
"That's me."
'Mr. Espinosa, the man who was ready to ask for his girl to marry him.'
"Is everything alright?" I heard the doctor sigh from the other end. His heavy sigh made me very concerned. Deep down, I hoped this call was asking my permission to relocate her into another hospital room and that the doctor was just very stressed. Apart of me, knew by the tone of his voice that it wasn't.
"No." I gulped. I already had my keys in my hand and was already running out the door not caring if the front door was locked or not. "Miss Jannalyn has recently passed away."
"I'll give you a moment," The nurse and doctor gave me a worried look before giving me some space with Jannalyn who was lying helplessly on the bed. It looked like she was just sleeping, but she wasn't she was gone. I ran over to her and hugged her.
"You wake up! Wake the fuck up! You're not allowed to leave me! You're not allowed to leave me all alone in this disgusting world! You're just sleeping! It's a prank! Wake up now! Where's the cameras?" I looked around the room for a small hidden camera. "You're good at hiding the camera this time, shortie." I let out a laugh while tears escaped from my eyes. "Seriously, wake up! I have a very important question to ask you. You're going to love it." I nudged her but she didn't wake up like I thought he would. "Oh, come on. How much are you paying the doctor for his acting to be this good? You too! I know what'll wake you up!" I tried to smile but the tears just kept on falling. "Tickle fight!" I started tickling her sides! "Just laugh, already!"
I kept tickling her, trying to wake her up but all i got from her was... nothing.
Then I broke down. I fell on my knees and stood still with my arms around her and my head on the crook of her neck. I sob.
"You promise me that you wouldn't leave me." I said quietly, brushing a few remaining strand of her head behind her ear so I could see her beautiful face. "You said that you love me. If you really loved me, you wouldn't have leave me." I cry. "Why didn't you have to leave me? Is this a punishment?" I looked up at the ceiling yelling at God for taking her away from me. "Because I cheated and broke her heart? You took her away from me as a punishment? Is that it, huh? What am I going to do, now? She's fucking gone and she was all I got. She understood me. She loved me. She cared about me. She knew the real me. How am I going to find another person as great as her? Tell me how I'm going to love someone as much as I loved her!" I sob. "I loved her with all of my heart but you decided to take her away from me! You should've taken me away not her! She deserved to fucking like the happiest life. She deserved it." I cried.
The door opened catching my attention. I looked at it and my blood boiled inside of me. I watched him walk closer to the bed and broke down crying but he had no right to. He had no right to cry for her, he wasn't there for her but I was. He was too busy caring about himself by running away and not thinking about how would that make her feel.
"Matthew..." he cried out for me, but instead of crying with him. I stood up from the floor and attacked him with a punch to the jaw.
"You fucking sick bastard, you have no right to be here!" I kept punching him, he tried to fight me back but he was too weak and I wasn't so I continued taking out my anger on him.
"Matthew!" I heard Luke and Andrea's voice from afar but that didn't stop me. By his image, I was close to killing him with my bare hands until someone pulled me away from me. I heard the nurses outside calling for security. I have a chance of getting arrested but I couldn't care less. The only person I cared about in this world is gone. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" Andrea punched me on the chest but it didn't hurt as much.
"She's dead, Andrea?! What do you expect me to do? Kiss Ryan and pretend like it's okay?"
"What? Do you think this is Ryan's fault?!" Luke was holding me back and Keegan was holding Ryan back.
"Yes! it fucking is! His presence is the reason why she's dead!" Ryan just cried, not bothering to fight me back, attack me. He just cried and a small part of me felt kinda bad when I heard myself say that it was his fault.
"It's nobody's fault, you dickhead!" She punched me and everyone in the room let her. "Jannalyn is already gone and you're causing much more drama by beating Ryan up when all he did was come back to say goodbye!"
"He was no right to say goodbye to her! She's mine, not his!"
"Are you seriously jealous right now? Yes, you and Jannalyn belong together but don't forget that Ryan was there for her when you weren't! You were too fucking busy fucking someones else when Jannalyn was hurting! If you think that it should be someone's fault for hurting her and that hurting her is the reason she's dead, then it's all your fault. You hurt her the most, Matthew! So it's all your fault!" Luke was telling her to stop telling me all this nonsense. She was putting words in my head.
Kill yourself
I heard in my head. Security came in rushing to Ryan and I. The first thing I saw when they came in was their gun. I wanted to reach for it and bring it up to my head and just shoot. It's was I deserve. When The security rushed towards me and tried to push me out of the room, I fought him just to make it easier for me to reach for his gun. I grabbed the gun immediately and aimed it straight for my head.
"Matthew..." I turned around and all of my friends were behind me staring at me with wide worried eyes. They were inching closer to me. I closed my eyes and sobbed.
"You're right, Andrea. It's all of my fault. I should be the one that's dead, right? That's what you're trying to tell me? That I should be the one dead and not my shortie?" She shook her head.
"No, please, Matthew! I didn't mean it. I was just angry, just pleas out down the gun! "
"No!" I yelled at all of them when they tried to take the gun from my grip. "I deserve to die. I want to be with her. I can't live without her." I sob, ready to pull the trigger but something caught all of our attention.
"Ryan!" Gunshot echoed throughout the whole building. I looked around for Ryan and there he was. I dropped the gun and rushed towards him. He was laying on the floor in the corner of the room holding the gun he stole from a security. I held him close to me and laid his head on my lap. "Don't you fucking dare leave me too." I cried. "I'm sorry. Ryan, please. Don't leave me too. You don't deserve it, please. Just please stay with me." I pat his cheek to keep his eyes from closing. "Please, Ry, please." The his eyes slowly closed shut. I stayed still and held him crying out loud. How am i going to forgive myself?
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Authors note: SOOOOOO basically, from the beginning of the book until now. It was supposed to be a flashback that Matthew had when he walked inside Jannalyn's room, that's why it's all past tense you see. Then reality hits him when he enters the room seeing Jannalyn's dead body on the bed. I don't know if the doctor is suppose to let the visitor in after the patient has died. I'm not a nurse nor a doctor. It's just a fanfiction. I'm sorry I had to end it his way. I planned this ever since I began this book. I wanted to break the reader's heart. Idk why. I'm sorry lol please don't hate me. I'll see you in the next last chapter.