Black out days
I don't recognize you anymore
Trigger Warning: Blood, Sexual Assault (unwanted touching from the neck up)
I refuse to believe this is happening.
Actually, for a fact I know that Harry's words were just misheard. The words were blurry and I didn't understand them. He didn't say that, or maybe even this was all a dream.
I'm not actually standing in River's apartment, I'm asleep in my bed. I'm laying by Harry trying to comfort him, cuddling up into his side as I inhale the warm scent of vanilla.
This isn't happening.
It's just a mistake, she isn't really gone. We just haven't looked at all. River is probably just out shopping or something and accidentally left the door open... that's what happened. It had to have been.
She isn't gone, Harry just made an assumption too soon. Everything is fine. All of us are okay, we're just going to have to wait a little bit for her to come back because she's just busy right now. That's why she didn't answer her phone.
I'm not going to believe Harry until I see it for myself. This is not fucking happening, not on my watch. Not today, not ever. Everything is fine.
"Indiana," Harry snapped me out of my thoughts, and I looked up to meet his eyes as they searched around the room frantically. "Did you hear what I just said?"
I wish I hadn't.
"It's okay," I replied, trying to keep everything as calm as I could even though I knew it was useless. "She probably just went out. How about we search the apartment before we assume?"
My eyes met his nervously, my hands coming out in front of me as I did so. I don't know what I'm trying to do here, but I think I have an idea of what I'm trying not to do.
I'm fucking talking with my goddamn hands.
This is how I know I've lost it. When I start throwing my hands around as I speak, acting like it'll help in any way possible.
What the actual fuck is my life, and can I catch a break for once?
"Fuck- yeah," He chimed, like the realization hit him and he quickly started to shuffle around the room. "That's a good idea."
I stayed put for a few seconds as he bolted towards the hallway that had her room at the end of it. I panicked for a second wondering if this was actually happening, but I couldn't allow myself to do this.
Not now, and not in front of Harry. He needed me by his side and to stay strong if this is actually happening. I can't allow myself to slip away when he'll need me most.
"Shit-" I snapped out of it, realizing that I needed to start moving and looking to at least attempt and help. "Where could you be?"
I whispered the words under my breath as I started to shuffle around the living area, acting as if she'd be hiding under the goddamn couch or something. Maybe I just hoped there'd be a hint or a sign of where she was?
There was nothing though. She wasn't anywhere in the living room, and when I glanced out the glass she wasn't even sitting out on her balcony. Not a sign of life in this room.
I could hear Harry throwing things in the other room, and I didn't want to know what they were. I'm sure the whole place would be destroyed by the end of us being here, or more destroyed than it already is.
There's still blood across the living room floor from where I knocked River out, and I'm sure there's some in the kitchen too. The whole place is a dump, but I'm not judging. I'm just hoping she's somewhere along this line of the dump.
So I went to the kitchen in hopes that she'd be there. The best possible situation would even be that she had gotten sick or passed out or something. Anything other than what Harry had said would be better.
After all, I had hit her pretty hard in the head and may have done some damage. I prayed I hadn't, because then I would feel like an absolute bitch, but it may be better than having her be taken. Situations like these always destroy me inside. They remind me too much of my past.
I turned around the counter looking near the fridge and stove area hoping she'd be hiding back there, but she wasn't. She wasn't anywhere in here. She was fucking gone.
All I hoped is that Harry would find her in her room or something.
"Indiana!" My name felt ear piercing as he screamed it, the word feeling like a shock to my heart and making it stop beating.
There was something in the way he called my name that I just knew it. It's one of those things where you know someone so well that when something goes wrong it's too easy to know. The tone of his voice was one someone would never want to hear in their lifetime.
I felt my legs bolt from under me before I could realize it. I heard the panic in his voice, and I knew it wasn't good. So I ran before I could realize it.
Running to where I heard his voice call for me felt like it was miles away. My hair flew behind me as I turned the corner and ran towards the hallway where I heard him.
It felt like I would never reach him, and all I wanted was to find him. The walls around me felt like they could crumble at any second and suffocate me. They would trap me and make me realize what is actually going on right now.
"Harry-" I gasped out of breath when I finally reached the River's room, seeing him stand there with something in his hands. "What happened? What did you find?"
His back was towards me, and just seeing the way he was standing showed it all. His body language crumbled, his shoulders drooped as his head hung low. Whatever was in his hand wasn't good.
"I found something..." He croaked out, and I could tell he was crying just by the hoarseness in his throat. "They took her."
"Who took her, Harry?" I asked cautiously, not trying to cause any more panic than what had already surfaced.
I knew if I showed how fucked I was by what he just said it would only make his reaction worse. I needed to stay strong like I had been trained to do so many times before. I had to go back to the times where I had to pretend I didn't care.
Put the brave face I lost months ago back on, to mask the pain.
"They did-" He looked up, his back still facing towards me so I'm unable to see his face. "They did it. They won, they fucking took her!"
My eyes widened at his words as I rushed closer to him, my body almost crashing into his in the process. He turned around slowly to face me, slowly lifting what was in his hand.
What I saw was something I didn't think I would see. It was a small piece of paper, blood smeared on the corner of it but that wasn't what mattered. It was the words that were written on them.
"You took my sister, now I'll take yours."
The words I read out my voice so quiet it was barely audible. We heard it through, to us it was like they were being screamed through a speaker. They got her, they took his sister.
Whoever it is, is going to ring hell for what they've done. This crosses the line by miles upon miles.
"What the- who, how?" I stuttered whatever words I could try and spit out, hoping they'd make sense but they didn't.
"Indiana, what the fuck do we do?" Harry dropped his arms and started pacing around the room in circles, digging through her drawers like he'd find something. "I mean- they fucking took my sister! She wasn't supposed to be involved with this shit either way, it's all my fault!"
I knew it would go like this. It would be the circle of blame, and he'd start with himself. There was no way he could have prevented this and I just want him to understand this.
This is my fault if we're putting the blame on anyone. I brought her into our circle, not knowing what was behind her lies and look where it got her. Even if she wasn't who she is, she'd probably be in this same position.
I just can't understand how they know who she is?
"We'll get this figured out," I tried to calm him down but it was useless because my voice was already wavering and laced with sheer panic. "We will find her, Harry. Everything will be okay."
There were no words I could say right now that would ever come close to being okay. I couldn't say one thing that would sound right or be the nice thing to say, there are none.
"Nothing will fucking be okay!" He spit out, raising her voice as his arm flung upward making me jump back from how startling it was. "They fucking know she's my sister and they took her, Indiana. Look at this shit!"
I can't try and make excuses or come up with an explanation for this. There's no way I can try and take the blame and try and cover it up. I just have to sit here and work it through.
"Give it to me." I deadpanned, reaching my hand out to him, which only made his eyes clench and his eyes grow darker.
He's pissed, and rightfully so. I know I'm playing a dangerous game with my words, and I know how he reacts. But most of all, I know how to handle his reactions.
I know this might lead to him snapping, he might lash out even, but I would do it too. The situation and pressure that's been put on his shoulders right now is unlike any other. He has every right to act the way he is.
"What?" He snapped, and I could hear in his tone he was starting to lose it.
"You heard me," I continued with my lips pressed into a harsh line. "Let me see the note."
I knew what I was saying was playing with his head. The anger that raged through his body from the thought of his sister being taken was too much, and me instigating and asking to see it only made him more furious.
There's no way to fix this if I can't look at it. He needs to let me see it so I can look at it and see any hidden meaning behind it. I know how these types of people work, they will hide things in the most unimaginable places.
"What the fuck do you think you're going to find, Indiana?" He rolled his eyes with a groan, and it took everything in me not to snap right back at him. "Invisible ink or some shit?"
I know his pain and hurt has turned into anger, and his wounds were too fresh from just days ago. This adding onto his stress is only making him spiral. I know it is, but I still won't take shit from him.
He doesn't mean what he says or how he acts, but that doesn't make it okay. If he truly knew what he was saying and actually recognized it, he would be mad at himself.
"Give me the goddamn note, Harry," I sneered, forcing him to meet my eyes so he knew I wasn't messing around. "And don't make me ask you again."
That did it. He slowly lifted his arm, visibly gulping as he handed it over to me. I grabbed it from him quickly, the feeling of the wrinkly paper sending a chill down my spine.
I waited a moment before looking at it, pausing my eyes on Harry. They started to fill with tears again, and I felt bad.
He's so tired and overworked right now and this adding to it is just making things worse. I feel like my words were too harsh now, and I wish I could take them back. I didn't mean for them to be rude, he just wouldn't give the note to me.
"I'm- I'm sorry, Indie..." He rushed out as the tears started to spill for his eyes, and I froze in my place. "I didn't mean to snap. I'm just so- I'm fucking pissed and it was wrong to react that way!"
I feel like a bitch. A total fucking bitch right now and I hope to god I didn't make him cry. If I did I might never let myself live this one down.
"Aw, baby," I cooed, reaching my hand out to try and wipe some of the tears that fell down his cheeks. "I didn't want you to cry, I just wanted you to listen to me. We'll figure this out, okay?"
"Okay." Harry whispered quietly in response as he sniffled, continuing to bawl his eyes out.
His sobs hurt me to hear, but I knew I couldn't show it. I had to wipe the frown off my face and take a deep breath. Take the breath of fresh air deep into my lungs, and keep moving forward.
Once I could hear him start to catch his breathing, I finally let my eyes drift away from him. They slowly lowered to the thin paper in my hand, my thumb resting just on the print of where the dried blood was.
I pierced my eyes shut before I finally let my eyes linger on it long enough to process. I didn't want to read them again because it was just another reality check that River was gone.
We got her into danger because of our mysterious games and lies.
When I opened my eyes and stared down at the paper, it felt like the words were screaming at me. That wasn't even possible, but if words could speak these would be in screaming colors.
You took my sister, now I'll take yours.
They echoed in the back of my head as I stared at the paper. Confusion only seemed to build in the back of my mind, not understand what it meant.
What could possibly be meant by 'you took my sister'? Is this supposed to be about Sammie?
All the questions pounding my brain at once making it feel like my skull would explode at any second. There were so many things that floated around my mind that I wished I could just swim to find the answers.
Or even just to anchor down on an island for five minutes so I don't have to tread in the water anymore.
"Do you see anything abnormal?" Harry broke the silence, but I didn't break my gaze on the piece of paper held between my fingers. "Well, more abnormal than the note itself..."
As I stared at it for longer and hearing him speak made something connect in my brain. This isn't just some random note.
"Shush." I shushed Harry, stepping away from him so I could pace around the room. My head stayed down the entire time as I tried to piece any of this together.
I've seen this before. I recognize the writing, I just don't know why. My brain won't fucking function enough to remember who's it is though.
I just need to breathe... take a deep breath and try to relax. So that's what I did. I shut my eyes tightly and I tried to breathe as I imagined the writing in some other form I've seen before.
The name is just on the tip of my tongue, I can practically see the words that were written in this exact same font oh so long ago. My mind just can't seem to find the memory that surrounds it.
I couldn't find it. I couldn't find it and I was starting to get frustrated. There was nothing I wanted more than to remember who this was, and my frantic pacing around the room wasn't helping.
It wasn't helping and I hummed to myself trying to keep calm and not lose my shit.
It wasn't helping as my feet shuffled across the ground and the memories of the nights I've spent here with River resurfaced.
It wasn't helping as I could feel the panic creeping down my spine like hot air coming from someone.
It wasn't helping as I could hear the nervous tapping coming from Harry.
It wasn't helping until it did. It just did.
I'm sorry for cheating, it didn't mean anything to me. Please forgive me, Indiana. I need you.
"Oh my god-" I gasped, feeling all the air get sucked from my lungs, and the blood drained from my body. The note dropped to the floor as I stood frozen in place with my body like ice.
There it was. Tucked right away in the back of my mind as I tried to forget about it. Something I wasn't to get rid of every waking minute of every day.
More like someone I wanted to forget ever existed. Someone I trusted too much and ended up getting hurt. The reason why I didn't trust people anymore, why it took me so long to accept Harry and to accept how I felt about him.
It's been here the whole time, and I never fucking saw it. I was so blind and oblivious to it this entire time. They were right in front of me, all the clues have been set out like a game.
I was just too blindly in love to see them.
Here we are now though, it all circled back to them. Once again they've been the one to ruin my life to hell and back. I never thought it would get this severe though.
"What is it?" Harry asked, his voice full of question and panic as he rushed over to me. "What happened, Indiana?"
I couldn't bring myself to meet his eyes. I felt too disappointed in myself for being so blind to the whole situation. There was no way I could face him and tell him this. It would crush me and him both beyond repair.
So I grasped onto his elbows as I spit out the words, my eyesight so blurry from the tears in my eyes I wasn't even able to see his figure in front of me. I held onto him like if he knew who it was he would never want me again.
"I know who wrote that," I croaked out, the tears fighting against the rims of my eyes but I wouldn't let them fall. "I know who took your sister."
The silence was too loud. Who would've known that silence would have a sound, but it does. It's like waiting for words to come out but they never do. All that can be heard is the harsh breaths coming from our own bodies.
And the buzzing from Harry's phone...
What the fuck?
As he stared at me in disbelief, trying to open his mouth to say something but he couldn't produce words the sound of his phone went off. The alarming buzz echoing through the heartbreaking silence, making us both jump slightly.
"Fuck, who could be texting right now?" He cursed under his breath as he reached for his phone, digging through his pockets. "What the-"
I could hear it in his voice, the way it hitched at his last words only made my heart race. It was pounding so hard against my chest that I could hear it in my ears. All the blood rushed to my head as I waited for whatever would be said next.
"It's an unknown number," Harry spoke once again, making me let out a deep breath because I knew what this meant. "With some kind of video attached to it?"
He sounded so confused as he spoke but it only made me more nervous. I knew how these sorts of things worked, and I knew this would only confirm if I was right or not.
I also knew the amount of danger we were in right now if I was right. If everything came back to this I don't know what we would do. I knew our every move would be tracked as if it wasn't already and everything would be watched.
We really were just living in a glass room as a stage to their entertainment.
"A video?" I gulped, looking up to meet his eyes cautiously. He nodded slowly and I could see the fear on his face as he did so, he was petrified. "How about we watch it together?"
This is bad. This is really fucking bad.
Everything is twisted and turned upside down, and something tells me this video is only the beginning. I have a feeling we are going to have a very long haul ahead of us.
"Okay, that sounds good." He spoke so quietly that it hurt me to hear. I hated hearing the fear in his voice. "Can we uh... can we sit? I think I'm gonna be sick if I stand any longer."
"Yeah, yeah..." I quickly nodded my head, wrapping my arm through his shaking one to help him walk towards the edge of the bed. "For sure."
I felt like I could get sick at any second. I honestly didn't understand how he was still standing at this point. From how weak he is from the last few days, I would've been gone if I was him.
He wrapped his arm through mine as we slowly took steps, a death grip on his phone. I helped him sit slowly on the end of the bed, planting a soft kiss on the top of his head trying to comfort him and soothe my own nerves.
I inhaled the scent of my shampoo in his hair, just wanting to go back to the moments just hours ago where we were at peace. Even if it was just for a few moments, it was better than nothing. It was just the two of us, and no distractions.
"Okay," I whispered, stepping back from him so I could move to sit down by his side. "We've got this, we can do it."
I laced my fingers into his open hand as he held his phone in the other. He gladly accepted my touch, holding onto me as I squeezed his hand tightly. He went to press play on the video and all I could see at that point was what looked like a floor of some sort. Almost black or dark grey.
The second he pressed play I pierced my eyes shut and tried to control my breathing. I didn't want to watch this, I knew what was coming. I wanted to press pause on life and never hit play again.
"Come on," I heard a voice speak as the camera shuffled around, showing what looked like a murky ground of some sort. "Let's get this all situated, am I right?"
The camera was slowly lifted to reveal something that nearly made me throw up at the sight. My stomach turning and the color drained from both mine and Harry's faces.
It was River.
She was tied up on a chair, ropes tying every single one of her limbs to the point it looked like she couldn't breathe. Her light clothing was stained with blood so dark that it only could've been hers. You couldn't even see her face and I knew it was bad.
Neither of us dared to speak a word as we waited for the next things to be said. The video played, but no words were spoken until River slowly lifted her head up to look at the camera.
She was a mess, and in so much fucking pain. Dried blood covered nearly every part of her face. The mark that I left on her head only seemed to have been reopened once more. One of her eyes looked black and swollen to the point it could barely open.
Even her arms were bloody. I don't know who it was or where it came from, but I just hoped it wasn't her. The strings of her shirt had fallen down, and it made my stomach go sick at the thought of them possibly touching her.
If there's one thing that makes me snap to a different planet, it's that.
"There's our pretty girl," The unknown voice charmed, making my stomach churn just from hearing the nickname. "Put on a smile, your friends are watching."
I couldn't stand the way he was speaking to her. Just the mere thought of what else he had said makes me want to jump through the phone and rip their fucking face off.
How long has she been there?
"Leave then the fuck alone!" River screamed, thrashing against the ropes before wincing in pain but continuing to fight against them.
"Hey," The man warned, which only made me nervous at what his response would be. "That's not how we speak, is it? Do I need to call the big man to settle you down?"
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I can't watch them hurt her, I can't handle it. It will break Harry beyond repair to see them do that. This can't be happening.
"No, no!" She screamed in fear as it echoed through whatever room they were in, the dark wall so dingy you could barely see if it weren't for the light above them. "I'll behave, please don't bring him."
Him.
I know who it is, and seeing River's reaction only makes me feel worse about it. She knows what he's done to me, and I can only hope she didn't have to suffer the same from him.
"Too bad," The man laughed, the sound so evil it pierced my ears but somehow my eyes stayed glued to the screen. "He's coming either way. Boss!"
River's eyes widened in a reaction of sheer panic. Her screams were so loud that tears fell from my eyes before I could realize it. She threw her body against the ropes, only making the cuts on her wrists bleed more from it.
"Help me!" She pleaded, making my heart drop. Harry's hand squeezed onto mine so tightly, I could've sword my circulation would cut off. "Please, someone help me!"
The sound of a heavy door opening suddenly made her stop. Her screams and sob immediately went quiet as she froze, swallowing harshly as her eyes followed the sound.
It was a loud screeching sound making me wince, but I could only shift in wear of who would be coming. I knew that my thoughts were about to be confirmed, making this whole situation worse.
"Someone's misbehaving," I heard the muffled voice, not quite able to make it out but I knew it was different from the first. "Aren't they?"
I could see River visibly gulp. Her mouth wide open now, as she looked terrorized at the person behind the camera. Whoever it is, that's the person who hurt her and I think I know who it is.
"Yes she is." The first person spoke sternly as River vigorously shook her head. She didn't dare to make a sound which is what scared me most.
"Well then," They sighed, the voice more clear now but still hard to make out from where they were standing. "I guess we better get this started then. Shall we?"
My heart picked up its pace rapidly as I heard the footsteps get louder and louder. They were so close to the camera, and I knew we were about to see the person.
See him.
"Hello, Diana..." I heard the voice loud and clear before he slowly walked into the frame, making me sick just at the sight. "I've been waiting for this day to come."
It was him. The man I wished to never see again. One who I tried to open up to, the one that told me to live my life and not let my past disrupt me. The one who manipulated me, the one who cheated on me, the one who broke me.
The nickname he spoke made me squeeze Harry's hand so hard that my nails were probably breaking his skin. Seeing him here, seeing that this was him behind all of this made me want to break apart right here and now.
"Jaxson." I spoke so quietly, like the word was forbidden. It was loud enough to be heard though, I knew Harry heard it.
"I bet you're feeling really stupid right now, aren't you?" He chuckled, stepping closer to River so he was right behind her chair. "Wondering if you could've stopped this from happening? You always wanted to be the hero, Diana."
The nickname coming from his mouth felt like poison. I always hated it, every time he spoke it I begged him not to call me that but it was always just a joke. This whole thing has been a sick joke apparently.
My ex boyfriend seems to have been the one behind all the torture that's been caused these months. All the pain, physically and mentally was because of him. It really all was just a lie.
"Don't touch me, you sick fuck!" River spit, pulling away from Jaxson as hard as she could when he moved his hand up to brush against her cheek as he spoke.
Her words didn't make him stop which is what made my stomach churn. Jaxson just continued to stroke her cheek as she tried to duck away, even though she had nowhere to go.
"You know, you're almost as pretty as Diana," He cocked his head to the side as he brushed her hair behind her ear, sending a shiver down my spine. "But you've got that Styles gene in you so it's all a waste."
If we're speaking now, I think the Styles actually have some of the best genes...
"And you've got a fucking psychotic gene!" She put on the fakest smile I'd ever seen from her, but it only made me nervous for his reaction. "Fucking freak."
Jesus Christ, this girl has some nerve. I'm genuinely worried about how he's going to react, I know the temper he has.
"You're lucky I'm busy right now." He spit out aggressively, grasping her jaw roughly to the point I knew it hurt.
My nerves only grew in fear of what he would do. I was so worried that he was going to hurt her, and I couldn't handle that. She didn't deserve that.
"We have something waiting for you, Harry..." He changed the topic quickly, dropping his hand from River before he slowly walked closer to the camera with something in his hand. "I guess your mom and your sister both left things for you."
Jaxson was standing in front of the camera now, flashing whatever he had in his hand. Why is he mentioning his mom? It made me confused until I realized what it was.
It was another letter, but this time it had his name written on it. I didn't recognize who's handwriting it was, but Harry seemed to. He froze up instantly, and I could feel his blood run cold.
"That's my mum's writing," Harry spoke through the silence of the video as Jaxson wavered the letter. "I could recognize it anywhere."
My heart broke at what he said, his voice was so numb it made me hurt. He hasn't seen that before, I could realize that just from the tone of his voice.
He has never seen that before and he doesn't know what lays behind the thin envelope. It's just a mystery to him.
"I bet you want answers from both of us," He spoke against, looking down into the camera so his eyes met the center. "So do you, Diana. You're both wondering what the hell happened."
He wasn't wrong. I had no idea what was behind this, or how this even explained the Sammie situation. I needed answers though, if I didn't get them it would kill me.
"You'll get answers if you find us, and you have three days to do that." Jaxson demanded, his eyes never leaving the camera as he spoke. "It's only the two you, Indiana and Harry. No one else. One of you must go in the end, and if you don't find us... your sister goes. You don't follow my orders, and she's dead."
He spoke his last words with so much confidence and such a creepy smile on my face that it made me choke out a sob. He wants one of us to die, and leave the other to suffer. This isn't fair.
"What?" Harry's voice cracked with so much confusion and hurt that it made me start to bawl. This isn't what was supposed to happen.
We're supposed to be happy. Harry and I are supposed to love each other till the stars disappear, we aren't supposed to go this soon. It's not supposed to happen like this.
"No exceptions." His words were so clear that I knew they were his last, even before he started to walk off the camera.
This was it. All we had was three days to figure this out.
Three fucking days.
Right before the camera cut out, Jaxson disappeared behind the view leaving River to herself. She looked down, straight into the lens of the camera staring it straight in the eyes as she mouthed her last words before it shut off.
"Please save me."
And then it was off with a click. The video disappears and goes straight back to the unknown text message. It was the same screen as the video there and ready to be played again.
Our bodies stayed frozen on the foot of the bed, neither of us daring to make a single sound. We tried to process what we had just seen thinking we were just imagining it all.
The warmth of our hands molded together our tight grips on each other being the only feeling as the world melted away. I felt so numb and lost as my thoughts shut off, leaving me with only one thing left to think.
This isn't happening.