Just A Mess

#36 (What Is Expected Of Me?)

I'm not what everyone expects of me.
It seems that way,
It seems that because of how I look;

I should like dresses.
I should like Barbie's.
I should be covered in bright pink.
I should like make up.
I should love social media.

I shouldn't enjoy older video games,
I shouldn't even like video games.
I should draw all the time.
I should like drama.

I shouldn't like to play guitar.
I should love pop.
I should hate rock and pop punk.

I should text with abbreviations,
And talk with such abbreviations.
I should despise dirty jokes.

I shouldn't feel depressed.
I shouldn't get anxious over tiny things.
I shouldn't struggle to socialise.
I shouldn't feel alone in crowds.
I shouldn't hold in emotions.

I shouldn't know that one day,
We're all going to die.
I should act innocently,
Like a damsel in distress,
Or a princess.

I mustn't act like a boy.
I should act like what I look like,
A girl.
But I did once,
And I don't now,
And I don't think I will again.
I hated it.

I don't like dresses like I used to.
I don't like Barbie's anymore.
I'd hate to be covered in bright pink.
I hate make up.
I don't really use social media in the way they do.

I enjoy some older video games,
I love video games in general.
I don't really draw too often.
I hate drama.

I love learning guitar.
Pop isn't my world anymore.
I love a lot of rock and pop punk.

I don't text with abbreviations,
And talk with such abbreviations.
I love dirty jokes.

I do feel depressed.
I do get anxious over little things.
I really struggle to socialise.
I always feel alone in crowds.
I need to hold in emotions.

I do know that one day,
We're all going to die.
I don't act innocently,
Like a damsel in distress,
Or a princess.

I act like a boy.
I don't act like what I look like,
A girl.

I subverted what society expected,
And did what I shouldn't,
Just like the difference I want to be,
And the difference I want to make.

I hold in my emotions,
To be strong for my friends,
Even though the depression,
Or the anxiety,
Slips through,
And I am asked if I am OK.
I say I am,
Even my friends believe that,
Even after I walk off,
For no reason,
Silently.

I am not ruled,
And I will not be ruled,
By what society expects of me,
As a growing girl.
Silently.

I will rule myself,
Of my own accord,
And I will become who I am,
Just one of these days.
Silently.

In my future,
I will look at who I used to be,
And laugh,
At how I would conform,
To the, "rules,"
And be glad I grew up,
From that little girl,
Into that strong, nonconformist person.
Silently.

Without a head turning,
I will become who I aspire to be,
All while changing,
Ever so,
Silently.