Troubled [h.s.]

48

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"You are insane you know. For coming out here like this." He finally says and I can't help but agree. He sends me a weak smile to tell me he is not criticizing me. I know he did that just because I cried.

"To be honest, knowing you were hurt drove me crazy. I couldn't help myself." I say and I am genuinely honest. I don't know why but both of us are being very honest today. I like this. I like being straightforward because right now, I wanna know his pure thoughts.

"See Sky this is the shit I'm talking about. It still hurts when I think about what you said to me that day! You were being a fucking asshole and you made me leave. Now, you come all this way, saying you want to see me and that me being hurt drives you crazy!" His words are harsh but his face is soft. I wanna nuzzle in his chest and trace his tattoos and kiss him. I push those thoughts back and answer him instead.

"This is the shit why I pushed you away for. I am fucking crazy, I don't want to ruin you." It slips. The words slip my mouth. In the last days we fought, my reason for leaving him was that I did not love him anymore, that I didn't need him. Not because I was trying to save him.

I look at him and he is in shock. I know my face gives away that was not why I intended to say. He shifts in the bed and I know he is at a loss for words.

"Sky you what?!" He is yelling this time. He is yelling pretty loud for a person who got knocked out and has busted all ten knuckles and half of his face is bruised. Knowing he is okay enough to do that makes me happy. I am so troubled.

"Fuck me! Okay fuck me! I do nothing right! I can't even fucking break up with someone and not mess that up!" I am mad at myself as I get off the bed and start pacing. I don't dare to look at him. The noises of frustration he makes is enough to make me know he wants to punch these walls. Its weird, when he gets angry wants to punch things when thats me calm. When I get angry, my first intention is the leave, when thats him calm.

"You can't be serious?! You broke up with me because you thought you were saving me!?" He rolls his head back with anger. I know he is pissed, I am pissed at myself. I had mentioned I was a bad habit and bad for him from time to time during our fight and he made it very clear when he left that note saying he was leaving all his bad habits behind. Although, the reason behind our break up was never my secret intentions of saving him from me. He didn't know that anyway.

I wanna light a cigarette but decide against it. Being in the same room with Harry makes me wanna stop doing bad things.

"Maybe I did okay!? Maybe I did because I am no good for anyone, ok? Besides, I wanted it to be soon. You were going to leave me anyway, might as well be when we are young and I can move on. Not when I am just getting used to the idea of marriage and we are thirty, living together." That idea gets stuck in my head and it hurts. It hurts knowing how great that would be.

"You are so stupid! Why would you ever think that Skyler!" He yells at me so hard that I know he is blazing with anger. Is he not seeing the point? I am putting him before me.

"Are you blind? That was a decision I made for you. For us! If anything you should be grateful." I yell back just as hard and loud. I know Kim and Louis can hear us but I honestly can't care. I am just worried that a nurse will rush in and tell us to shut the fuck up.

"That was not a decision you could make on your own. You can't decide if something is bad for me or not! Not when it comes to you! You can't rip my heart out because its what you think is best!" He yells again. It only makes me happy. It makes me happy that making him leave me is what he describes as ripping his heart out. That makes me feel wanted.