Broken String

CXLIV

"I can't tell you what that means." Eddy tells him gently. "You've been... I mean, of course the sex and the closeness have been beyond awesome. But that you've been there means the most."
Brett's sober eyes are on him and he is quiet for a long moment.
"It took you a while to let me." he states then.
"I know. It took me a while to realise I wasn't just a burden."
Suddenly Brett throws his head back and laughs out loud.
"You idiot." he says. "Remember when you almost shat your jeans at the con because you didn't want to disturb me?"
Everything in Eddy cringes hard as he thinks of that day. Another Eddy. So different, so scared.
So small.
He can remember it, but he can't feel it anymore, like it never even really existed. Like it happened to a different person.
"Been trying not to, thank you very much." he says clippedly, earning him another laugh from his boyfriend.
"Sorry. I won't mention it again. Also, it was me who felt like the jackass when I saw you like that, clearly in... a predicament. Jesus. I had no idea what to even do or say."
"You did the right thing, you got me the fuck out of there." Eddy says wryly.
"Yeah, right at that moment, maybe. But before, when I left you to fend for yourself?"
"Bretty." Eddy says as a deep breath fills him, all the way into his belly. He can breathe like that now, you see. Alaska is on the other side of the planet and it has nothing to do with him at all. "It was me, I didn't ask, I didn't say. I could have swallowed my pride and asked the girl to take me to the fucking toilets, too, she wouldn't have thought anything of it. I was the idiot there, and I was the idiot before, too, practising way too much, stressing way too much, to the point of getting myself sick, apparently. But you did do the right things because you got me to this point, didn't you? You, and maybe John, and maybe even my sister. Mostly you, though."
Brett is quiet for another long, long moment. Then he nods, slowly, like a pendulum swing in reverse.
"You're so different. The same, but so different."
Eddy nods too.
"Yeah. I feel different. I was a broken violinist."
The moment stops, halts, as Brett's eyes fly up and down him.
"And now?" he asks then.
"Now I'm healing." Eddy whispers. "And about that. You said you wanted to make love to me."

The moment changes, turns again, twists as Brett's breath hitches.
"I did say that."
"Um. I- I think I'm ready to... let you. Um." Eddy's head must resemble a tomato by now, but this time needs to be monumental, he knows that, it needs to be bigger, more than they've done before. Brett has given him everything, he's given him support, and love. He's given him life. And Eddy is done being scared of things, for forever.
"Let me... what do you mean?"
"Let you." he breathes. "Make love to me. You know, if you want to."
"Whoa." Brett shoots back, his whole face wide with shock, and for a second Eddy feels the insecurity hit him. I mean... maybe he doesn't want any of that? But his eyes flick down and he just about catches how Brett's jeans are suddenly becoming a whole lot tighter.
"Are you..." Brett swallows convulsively. "Are you sure? After... you know? After the day you've had?"
Eddy smiles.
"I need something life affirming."
"Something life affirming that could hurt, you know that, right? I mean..." he takes a breath and looks away for just a second. Then he's back and his eyes bore into him again. "Um. Don't you want to do... that to me, first?"
"You would let me?" Eddy says as he tries to keep his heart inside of his chest. Brett halts for the shortest moment. Then he nods.
"I mean, for you. Of course. It's not... well, I guess it's not something I ever thought I'd do."
Eddy's hand goes on Brett's shoulder and he rubs it gently from side to side.
"Well, I've thought about it, and I would like to do this with you. I'll say if it's sore. Unless you... you know..." his voice dies to pianississimo. "Unless you don't want to."