Broken String

CXXXIII

As soon as he comes down from it Brett zips him up and he's back with him, his arm around him again, his forehead against his own.
"Eddy mine." he whispers. "That was fucking awesome."
"It was the best." Eddy whispers back.
"And we didn't even get arrested."
Eddy grins and looks him in the eyes, relaxed now, at peace.
"We didn't. Maybe we shouldn't push our luck and get inside."
"We're not doing anything illegal now." Brett shrugs. "Two minutes?"
Eddy smiles and kisses the sweet forehead.
"You can have all the minutes you want."
"Cool."

They sit for the longest time as the air chills around them, the last lights going off in the buildings on the other side of the park until it's really just them and the dark mirror of the pond. Eddy sighs contentedly as he settles a bit deeper into his love's shoulder.
"You've been... so strong." Brett says suddenly, as if he's done nothing but exhale and the words have flowed before he's had a chance to review them. 
"Have I?"
"Yes. Come on. Like... what happened last time? And now, you..."
Eddy blinks into the gloom and gropes around for words. He can't tell him why, he just can't, not now, not yet. It's too soon, much too soon. It could spook him, scare him off. His sister's words float heavily around his brain. 
Is it possible he's just being a guy about this?
He wants to make sure that doesn't happen. He wants him to feel safe, never pushed, never forced into anything he doesn't want, doesn't choose. What Brett doesn't want, he doesn't do. Can he still trust that truth? He's not sure enough, not now. 
"I don't know. I just... I think it helped that Anita was there. It helped that you were so calm, so confident. I guess... it was different from last time."
See? Not a word of that is a lie. 
"I guess I've seen that Frank isn't as confident as he seems." he adds.
"You seemed just as confident." Brett says quietly. "You know, before... everything happened."
"Really?"
He feels his shrug under his cheek. 
"Yeah, I guess. Maybe even to me. Maybe even I didn't really see how you were. Like... when we were practising that day, before? You were sore then, right? I realised later, but I was so focused... I didn't see soon enough. I'm... I'm really sorry about that."
Wait, where did that suddenly come from? Eddy bolts upright. 
"Huh?"
Another shrug and even though it's dark he can see his expression. Dazed, almost. Like he's confessing something. 
"I dunno. It's something I've been thinking about."
"Please, Brett." he pleads, breaking their sotto voce to a mezzo piano, louder than anything else he's said all night. "Come on, that is not on you, it was never on you to begin with."
"What if I could have helped?"
"You've helped more than anyone could expect of anyone."
"After, maybe." Brett says soberly. 
"No. Please. All the time. And what you didn't know you couldn't solve. I kept it to myself, even when I was in pain and as soon as you found out, you know, that night, you took action when I didn't. Look, can't you let this one go, please? It was on me, Bretty, not you. Please. Yeah?"
A soft, gentle smile shines into the lake and Eddy knows Brett is not about to change his mind, but he's closing the topic. For now. 
"Okay. I will. So... I'm knackered after all that, you?"
"Yeah, let's get back." Eddy nods. "Will you hold me? You know, later?"

To be honest he doesn't know why he wants to be held more; for himself, or to make sure that Brett stops blaming himself for things beyond his control.
Because he will spend the rest of his days making sure Brett never feels like that again.

"Of course. I'll hold you all night."