Broken String

LXX

He tries to act like everything is normal and he hasn't just lost it, he really tries, but it only takes two blocks before Brett pushes him forward, out of earshot of the others. 
"You okay, Eddy?"
"Yeah." he says quickly. Because not now, not here. Todd and Ian might be out of earshot but they're not far behind, and Eddy knows he'll lose it again the second Brett really asks about how he found the rehearsal. Not now, not in front of everyone. But is there any way he can hide what's happened from his best friend? Especially after what he did for him last night?
"Can we go to the park?" he asks after a beat. 
"Absolutely."
Brett is already signalling to Todd that they're taking a detour and he pushes him along quickly while Eddy looks at his legs and tries to breathe. It'll be nice, in the park. Peaceful.
Maybe it'll calm the storm brewing inside.

The park looks exactly the same as last time they were here, in fact Eddy thinks he recognises that lady with the stroller over there. Brett pushes him to the bench where they sat before and sits down beside his parked chair. 
Okay, so clearly he won't be able to stop the tears completely, one is welling up in his right eye at this very moment, as he looks around him and gathers the courage to speak. But he's calmer now. It's easier, now that they're here.
"It was rough." he admits quietly. "It's everything I wanted and he's got it. And he's doing it better than I could."
Brett's shocked silence makes a new tear well and flow over his left bottom eyelid. 
"Eddy... Jesus. You've got to know that's not true. He did well, sure. You would have done better."
"No." Eddy shakes his head. "In the practice room, maybe. On stage, no. I never told you about the dreams I was having, where I was pushed on stage, unprepared. I was baulking, Brett."

Brett's hand on his is soft, and warm, and it's so easy to open his own hand and take it. A new tear rolls over his cheek and he wipes it away with his free hand. 
"Eddy." Brett says in a tone that's so weary that Eddy's eyes sweep up to find his best friend's. 
"Yeah?"
Brett looks away though, over the pond, this time not silver in the lights from the buildings around the park but varying shades of muddy brown water and yellow streaks from the sun overhead. A duck floats by, its black and white feathers offset by its bright red beak.
Yeah. Ducks don't have to worry about stages, about failing limbs or out of tune G's. 
Maybe he should be reborn a duck and save everyone some hardship. 
"Okay. Look. I get it." Brett's sombre voice comes. "I'm sorry I took you, because I was already wondering whether that was a good idea, now I know it wasn't. But you've got to know that those feelings you were having are normal, Eddy."
The little squeeze of Brett's hand in his punctuates his heartfelt words. 
"I knew about your dreams, what do you think? But I'm one hundred percent sure you would have been fine. You'll be fine next year, in fact, because they'll save you a spot, I'm sure."
Eddy blinks away the next tears and wonders what to say to that, but the truth overtakes him first.
"Ms. Parry told me. Barber, she thinks."
"Ms. Parry? Who, the lady from the reception desk?"
Eddy nods. 
"I... I lost it. I know it's stupid but I did. And she came and sat with me. She's a cellist, did you know? She was sick for a while, she said, and it stopped her playing. She's... nice."
Brett's eyes are wide and as weary as his voice just was.
"Why didn't you leave? I would have come with you."
Eddy squeezes the gentle hand on his lap and lets it go. 
"I know you would have. But I didn't want you to, Bretty. You do plenty. I couldn't let you miss rehearsal, couldn't make a spectacle out of both of us. It was okay, like this. She was nice. It was fine. And coming was my responsibility, not yours. Please don't take that on yourself."
He can see the words floating on Brett's face as his mouth opens and closes and he looks away again, silence falling over them for another long moment.

"Those ducks are really beautiful." Brett says then.
Eddy grins. 
"I was thinking maybe I should be reborn as one. I don't think they ever worry about baulking."
Brett scoffs. 
"They're always out here, yeah? Also when it's cold or it rains."
"Good point." Eddy smiles. The tears have dried, now that he's come clean, now that Brett's not mad, and he thinks also not too self-critical. He never knew he could be that way, before, but now that he does it's suddenly his mission to make sure Brett thinks highly of himself.
He deserves nothing less, after all. 
"Maybe not a duck then. How about a kangaroo? They have thick fur, that should keep me warm."
"You already have the legs for it."
"Fuck you." Eddy laughs. "Now, take me to get a chocolate orb. I'll get fat, eating chocolate all the time and not running, but right now I don't care."
Brett gets up with a smile and starts pushing him towards the bakery around the corner.
"You're a long, long way from being fat. But either way you definitely deserve some chocolate orbs."