Broken String

CXLI

It feels like he holds his breath all the way to the entrance. Big, revolving doors roll quietly but surely at the end of the white and green hall, swallowing people up, spitting them out on the other side without any judgement on their lives or death, like they have been doing for forever and will be doing for forever. He's in, he's going through, he's out in the sunshine. Breath breaks through his shell and fills his lungs to capacity. He breathes out and in again, deeply, exhaling the smell of disinfectant, inhaling the sweet scent of blossoms, over there on that tree. Brett pushes him towards the car quickly. It's like he also knows that what's about to happen is not for the world to see.
Eddy sits, and breathes deeply as the car comes into view. He takes the outstretched hand and swings himself in the car, then buries his face in his hands as the tears he held back in the doctor's office start to flow. Fifteen seconds, maybe, and Brett is by his side, taking him in his arms. 
"Eddy mine." he whispers as Eddy's breath speeds up, his chest flying in and out, his heart pounding hard enough for his ears to ring. "Hey. You good?"
It breaks the panic and Eddy lets him go so he can see him. Brett's eyes are large and moist and worried. He nods. 
"Yes. Jesus. I..."
"I know. Brett says as relief floods through the worry. "I know. I can't believe it."
"I'm going to be okay?"
A small smile on the face he loves. 
"Sounds like it, hey?"
"Fuck. I did it all... it was all in my h..."
Brett tenses in front of him and the word freezes in his throat.
"Hey. Stop that right now. You are so not going there." he says sternly. "You know what the doctor said, this is a real thing. It's not your fault and not your weakness. I will die on this hill, Eddy, we're not going there."
Eddy eyes him incredulously. Wait. Since when... since when does Brett do strict? With him? 
He's never once heard him say anything like that. It brings a disbelieving giggle to his lips. 
"Um. You will die on this hill?" he tries. 
"Yup." Brett says soberly, but the humour touches the corners of his lips. "Die."
"I wouldn't want you to die." he breathes. 
"Exactly. Especially now we've just heard you aren't either."
Brett's eyebrows wiggle and even though Eddy knows he's only being funny because he wants him to feel better, wants to stop him from descending into a frenzy, he can't help it, he grins anyway. 
"Oh my God." he hisses. "I'm... not."
"Nope." Brett breathes back, and before he knows it Brett's eyes are welling up and a tear flows over his cheek. "Oh, fuck." he groans harshly, but then a sob escapes him. "No, not this, not now."
"Yes this." Eddy states firmly as he grabs him and pulls him close. Always this, because it means he cares, because it means he's finally allowed to see all of him. 
"Fuck it." Brett sobs, hanging on to him as if he is the buoy this time. "Oh, Eddy. I can't... Oh, Eddy."
Eddy kisses his hair and holds him tight as he cries, holding him together as he has held him so many times. The moment flows over them as they sit, two boys, just two boys like any other, who just happen to have had the best news. His mind is in bits, torn asunder and the fragments flown to the winds, but his soul is healing, somehow. All of this, all of it. Everything that's happened. 
And now he's here, apparently going to be okay, and this man is in his arms. 
"I love you." he whispers against the black strands under his lips. Brett veers up, eyes red, cheeks wet, but the sobs have stopped dead. 
"Yeah?"
Eddy nods. 
"With all my heart."
Brett's lip quivers as he takes the words in. 
"Wow." he says. "Well... I love you too."