✨L I F E G O E S O N✨

💔What's wrong with me?💔

21st June 2016

I looked out of the big window. I was laying in bed. In a white room. In the hospital.

The view was okay. I was able to see a street and a park a little further away. It would've been even nicer if it rained.

I still couldn't remember anything. And to be honest it was stressing me out. I was also thinking about what Jungkook had said yesterday. That I was pretending to be okay and to be happy. Well... It was kinda true. But I didn't realize that honestly.

Yes, I was suffering from depression.

But I hadn't told any of the boys. I didn't know how. But right now it was particularly bad. I felt like nothing was worth anything anymore. Everything felt so meaningless to me. I felt lost.

I didn't want to feel all this anymore. This pain. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't do this anymore. I didn't know how to process all the things I've been suffering from. I wanted them gone. I hated having endless thoughts on my mind all the time and feel so empty at the same time.

I wasn't good at socializing as well. But it wasn't a secret. The boys just accepted me as one of the quiet members.

I hardly knew anyone. I knew Jeongwoo, Gyujin, Yujin and my members. But my members weren't friends. They were my family. And I never had time for anyone.

And I also wasn't like Jungkook or Taehyung. I wasn't good at video games or passionate for it. I felt like there is no reason. No reason to live on....

I often had such thoughts. I only caused problems for the members, the staff, my mother and Pdnim. I was always in the way. Though it wasn't my fault or intention. But I still felt bad. Like it's all my fault.

Maybe my public presence was the wrong choice.

Maybe I just wasn't made for it.

I hated myself so much. I didn't want any of that anymore. I suffered constantly and others suffered because of me. I knew that Jungkook was particularly affected by my incident. He was so worried. All of them were. I've seen it in their eyes. But Jungkook was so done with the whole situation. He lost control over himself and was irritated. But I couldn't give him an answer. The answer of what happened that night. It made me go crazy.

I felt so alone even though there were people around me all the time. Why did it work out so well for others? Why did others have so many friends? Going out, partying, shopping, eating together. Why wasn't that the case with me?

I was very calm and I also liked being alone. I loved my privacy and I wanted silence. But I didn't want to be completely alone.

I've wished to be someone else so many times. It was weird, right?

But it all felt like I'd be able to handle someone else's life better...